Retrospective Mania

The other day, Facebook presented me with a post from the previous year. It was intense, dramatic, and, I thought, manic. I don't remember being manic at that time. But I checked back and found a bunch of posts just like it. Usually, my wife will tell me if she thinks I'm struggling against any sort of mania, but I don't remember anything like that.

And now I'm a little embarrassed about it. It's hard for me to accept that even with my stringent adherence to treatment, I can still can hypo or manic without realizing it.

What would you do? Do I have my wife monitor my social media? Do I just accept that I'm gonna get that way sometimes? Maybe.

Best thing I ever did is get rid of facebook.

I was advised to avoid social media....I didn’t listen and was so sure of myself that I was being reasonable.....I lost my mind and wish I’d have listened earlier......or I wish I’d have told everyone to fluck off and allow me my humanity without calling it “wrong”.........if you want your wife to babysit, go for it......if you want to throw the computer out the window, send it to me instead. Whatever you decide, I hope you are well.

I don't get full-blown manic anymore (I'm 56), but when I was manic I was a maniac as far as writing & saying stuff that was best kept to myself! I've learned to (kind of) check myself when hypo. I can relate with your concerns, but you've taken measures (meds & such) to arrest BP, so I wouldn't worry too much. Good luck at preventing another situation like that, though!

I haven't had a full-manic episode since 2011, and I'm not that worried that it will happen. But I get manic enough to embarrass myself, or perhaps I should say I get manic enough that when I'm not, I get super paranoid that I will. I've become very reserved on Facebook and IRL. One time, my sister-in-law said (name changed) "Sometime I just really miss crazy-*** Danny." Not to toot a horn or something, but I was hilarious pre-treatment. Now I'm stony-faced and quiet a lot of the time. I'm so worried about hurting people's feelings or upsetting my wife. That's another topic.

Babysit is a fair word, but that's not the way I see it. My wife is my number 1 support. I depend on her to let me know when things are off. I can't always tell. She often is the one who will tell me when it's time to see the p-doc. I'd rather her be the one to tell me than wait until it gets bad enough for my coworkers to have to say something...which they have before.

Please don’t think I’m putting you down for requiring a babysitter.....I require one too

I have a couple (online) friends who can reflect back at me if I'm getting weird. I also have learned a LOT about detecting hypo early since we found meds that reduce my depression but cause me to go hypo more often on balance.

I'm highly active on social media but it's tumblr and then some weird anti-establishment networks most people haven't heard of. Facebook and Twitter are both god-awful no matter what mood one is in. I tend to get more rambly and disclose more at times online when hypo, of course, but I manage the distinction between my irl identity and my online identities very well, so it's rare that I post something I really regret in context of who sees it. I'm fairly open on tumblr because there I feel like I can be an ambassador for the bipolar community both to other bipolar people and normies. I would not do this on Facebook or Twitter.

No offense taken, I just don't think of it that way. I'm not sure if I'm getting your other point right, but I think bipolar is part of who God intended me to be. It's intimately wired into me. It's not a tumor to be removed (my thought). I'm glad I have it. The struggle to be well gives me the opportunity to grow into something greater than I could have been without it.

What I mean is....babysitting one day becoming azz wiping the next . Pardon me, I have a great deal of hostility towards the controlling normies at current. I’d prefer my post to have not been captioned as I’m afraid it could hurt those who are at the azz wiping stage of this illness, but if it’s best to leave it up, by all means.

I feel you on the normies. I'm in the position, though, in which I hurt my wife, perhaps irreparably, by my behavior while manic. If I get a little manic I think it puts her on alert. Her wanting me to be well is impart a control over her own life. The normies in my life mean well...I think...by the way they define wellness. Perhaps their definition is that I'm more like them which I am not...at least not completely. I think we're having different experiences and I should consider myself lucky to not have to feel the resentment you...I'm guessing...rightfully feel. Then there's my previous church and job where I self-destructed. Will they ever feel comfortable around me? I'll probably never know because I moved on. My current work, my current church, and others may never know what I was like back them, not enough to feel the difference between me and them. What they know now is an anxious man worried that he may become sick again and they not fully realizing what that means.

As far as azz wiping goes, dang, I hope there is not a trajectory starting with my wife's monitoring and her wiping my sorry azz. I don't expect there to be.

Is that a real thing? I'm sheltered from the knowledge if there is.