[Trippin2.0]

No I am not delusional, I don't believe im in or out of the matrix and my name is not Neo, and I don't believe I am "The One".

Nor can I fly, altho that would be pretty cool...

Just hear me out (even though my new pdoc think this is more BPD than BP and subsequently hasn't really helped me)

I feel like I became unplugged, and I have seen my life for what it truly is...

A series of mediocre events and actions to be repeated in one sequence or another until I die of boredom or the perfect suicide.

You listen to that Katy Perry song, "Chained to the rhythm"?

I feel like that, like I am chained to the rhythm of society, work, pay bills, die... And I don't want to be.

Like "2y.o throwing a tantrum" don't want to be...

I feel trapped and panicked that this is my life, this is as good as it gets, and this is all there is.
Trapped tigers don't behave so well....

Its been so bad I have not been to work all month, I am due back next week. Hopefully by then, the idea of going to the office and being at the mercy of someone else's will, schedules and rules wont make me feel suicidal anymore.

Sure I could do what I always do when a job drives me nuts, I could quit.
But I have bills to pay, and I'm the only one working in this house too.

So my choices right now are, go to work wishing I was dead and doing my best not to SH, or quit and have zero income, letting my daughter down in the process.

Nice.

It all just feels really out of wack right now.

I'm super depressed, but leaning toward "mixed" atm, because I have hypo symptoms presenting as well...

I just want to be plugged back in, go back to accepting my life,doing my life, which includes my job, my responsibilities and caring for my batshyt crazy sick mother who has dragged me to the Mad Hatter's tea party...

Ignorance was bliss.

I hate being unplugged, please someone plug me back in.

Life needs me to start functioning and taking part again.

Oh I also really really want a sub-dermal anchor piercing, a new tattoo and to shave my hair short.... But I don't have money for those things even though I'm totally convinced they will help me.

Not all stupid people are happy and not all smart ones unhappy but in general, ignorance really is bliss and seeing the world for what it truly is doesn not effect ones mental health in a positive way. You were once able to find happiness in routine and I suspect you will again.....for now you are probably best to stay unplugged and focus on what needs doing until you are calmer and able to handle more. Best wishes.

The matrix was a wonderful film with hidden meaning about the true realities of life as we current know it. I often feel similar in wishing I could be plugged back in but it's not that easy sadly. Stay safe.

[Fuzzybear]

[Sunflower123]

I agree with Elsa. Sorry you're having such a tough time. I get in those states as well. I hope things start looking up for you soon. Sending big hugs.

[Slightlydelusional]

When I unplugged after my first BP episode I thought it was awesome, but Im ready to be plugged back in and be a worker bee and blissfully ignorant.

[Victoria'smom]

I'm sorry things are so ****** right now. Stay safe until things get less ******.

[pegasus]

Trippin!

I feel for you, I'm sorry, keep on plodding and the sun will shine again soon!

[~Christina]

Well I lost my magic wand at Hogwarts for using it to much for unapproved stuff *sigh*

You know how much I love you.

It breaks my heart that you are going through all this bullshyt.

Bipolar is going to spit you out the other side. I know that doesn't help right now.

Your plate has been overloaded for far too long it's just shattered at this point from the weight.

I worry about you as you know how I blow up your phone !

Hang in Hun ... I love you and I see light at the end of your tunnel even if you don't.

Huge hugs and I'm sitting right next to you.

Steves is worried and is praying for you also

[Trippin2.0]

Thank you guys and lady guys for the support.

Its good to know I'm not alone, offline I definitely feel very alone, which I guess is not helping any of this.

I hope you guys are right and that this will pass, I hate feeling like such a nihilist, I really doubt it though.

Feels like this is it.

[~Christina]

How are you feeling ? My world clock puts you at 106am so I hope your sleeping

[Trippin2.0]

Idk how I'm feeling, my feelings are kinda muted atm.

Seriously thinking I need a new job though, considering asking them to fire me so I can collect unemployment while I job search...

I was sleeping yes, my amount of hours are improving, so that's a positive at least.

[Trippin2.0]

So I did it.

I actually did it and i feel relieved yet scared shytless.

I emailed my employers, asked them to terminate me.

No feedback yet.

It was just too overwhelming and suffocating. Especially now with them requesting an official report from a therapist on my capacity to work... Like HTF can I guarantee stability and level of functionality over X amount of time????

I'm not a fortune teller!!!
And with all this cancer/dementia stress, things are really unpredictable. Like I said earlier, Mad Hatter's tea party level unpredictable.
Caring for someone who's mostly off their rocker and doesn't want to be cared for is NOT easy, and it messes with me sometimes.

If I knew the exact date of my mother's death, well then maybe, just maybe I could provide them with a "Capacity to work" report, but since I don't know when the old bat is going to kick the bucket, my sanity is partially at her mercy.

(NB. I love my mommy, despite what I must sound like)

What was supposed to be a stress free 3 day a week gig turned into an entirely new job description with a million responsibilities so it has not been what I signed up for, at all.

For some perspective, I agreed to 3 days stress free (they knew my dx since my interview) filing, data capturing & receptionist, but I evolved into a full blown bookkeeper, IT maintenance, assistant household manager....

Contacted an agency who helps place people with MI, got their details from my former T.

Who knows, maybe they can help.

In the meanwhile I need to figure out how to hold onto my sanity and not be completely broke at the same time.

Hopefully Mr and Mrs Employer bites and goes along with my request. They've been super considerate thus far, hopefully their goodwill hasn't completely run out yet.

[~Christina]

Massive amounts of

((((((((((( HUGS )))))))))))

Love you

[bioChE]

Don't be surprised if they don't fire you. Employers have to pay part of the unemployment. It's not like they just cut you loose and you're a ward of the state. Then they're paying and getting absolutely nothing in return.

[~Christina]

Lia lives in Cape Town South Africa so things are different.

[Trippin2.0]

Idk how it works anywhere else, but over here, this tax gets paid into a fund, 10% from my salary, and my employer matches that amount. Its already paid, into my fund, under my income tax number, its not like the employer can get it back after I leave.

Only reason you don't get to withdraw from the fund is when you quit or get fired for criminal reasons or whatever.

The only reason my employer would physically have to pay me to leave is if there was a disciplinary hearing and it was part of my severance package.

So yeah, it doesn't hurt them to fire me, if they refuse then they're just petty.

Cause I could drag it out and force them to fire me, which means I get a severance package and my UIF, which I really don't want to do.

And yes they would offer me a severance package to make sure I don't try and sue them for wrongful dismissal, since I have BP and they knew this from the start.

I work very closely with the owners of the establishment, I know how they think and operate...

Hopefully they really are kind people and go along with my suggestion, and hopefully nobody tries to persuade me to stay again... Didn't work out so well last time after all.

[Trippin2.0]

So had a meeting today.

Both parties agreed that it makes no sense for me to return to work, to all that stress, when we know I'm just going to buckle under the pressure again.

They kindly agreed to retrench me, and offered me the option of working the next few days so I can get a full salary next week.

The unknown future is quite scary, I wont lie, but I feel relieved. I believe this was the best decision with the best possible outcome.

[HALLIEBETH87]

I'm so happy it's working out for you. -hugs-

[sugahorse1]

How are things going now?

[ReptileInYourHead]

Hey trippin
I know how you feel, life shouldn’t be so..unenjoyable. I, and many others, struggle with the mundane routines as well as the dramas and difficulties that are thrown at us.
You are so not alone, we stumble through our days right along with you.

[~Christina]

Old thread !

I love you Lia !