Ugh. Today

I feel very down right now. LOW! Tried again to meditate but my whole body feels like I'm excessively on edge of severe anger and severe depression at once. I keep having to stop myself from grinding my teeth. I close my eyes and they won't stay shut long enough for one breath. I'm very anti-violence but feel like punching someone. I'm not even angry at any one thing or person. I'm grateful I'm not driving right now or it could go badly. My brakes are not that great and I can be overly aggressive at the wheel when I'm like this. My stomach hurts from all the what I can only guess is bile in my mouth. I told a friend last night about my ex and her behaviours and that damage, and that the relationship with her is resultant of the emotional neglect from my childhood. I feel like a chained mad dog. I just want something or someone to bite.
I'm having flashbacks for 2 hours, which make me cry and mad as hell at myself for caring and carrying the results of that around. Going to take another 5-htp and a very hot shower. I will try kava extract next and if that's not going to do it then I'll take hirsuta and it will knock me out for a while. So I have a plan if needed, but I've locked myself in the bathroom for over an hour now just to be left alone

I also found this lump under the skin on the back of my neck about the size of the tip end of my little finger

I'm so sorry, that sounds horrible. Hope you can calm down soon. Big hugs.

Im sorry your going through such a rough time, sounds horrible.

Are you taking any prescription meds for your Bipolar ? do you have a prn ? If so sounds like a med adjustment might be helpful. If you do I would call today as the weekend is fast approaching and things often get worse it always seems.

I hope this passes soon .. Stay safe

Sounds horrible, I have felt similar when I'm in a mixed episode, meds adjustment usually helps.

This is just going to be today.
This is just going to be today.
This is just going to be today.
This is just going to be today.
Tomorrow will be better.

I did drive, kind of aggressively. I nearly legally took out a Kia that ran the light. I thought about how horrible the wrecks I have been victim of and steered my big ol suburban around em at the last second. My mirror almost got their rear corner. Their eyes were the sizes of saucers!
My mind is racing too it seems today. Panic mode but not at same time
It can all go somewhere else!
I am at my happy place, the gym, where I can put on my headphones and at least workout until I collapse. I hope I don't go that far again, yoga is weird when I can only stay in child's pose the whole time. My mind just doesn't feel grounded. Everything is happening in front of my face but seems distant too.
Workout time.
Elsa, if your reading, maybe there's truth somewhat in "if you can't fix it, flukkit." I think that could mean to just let it go. Hmm

I thought I'd just had seasonal congestion, but I've apparently been fighting a sinus infection that spread to my throat and lungs for about a week. The doctor prescribed antibiotics and expectorants and sleep but the third of those can't happen during daylight, not often, not here. Didn't sleep much at all last night, coughing and more flashbacks, usually staying just after. No flashbacks most of today. When they happen I do my best just to say to myself "this isn't real. It's just a memory. Let it play out and go on its own. It's ok to remember." A vet told me that's what got him through them. It does help.
I forgot to ask about the lump on my neck.

Hope these horrible feelings start to ease a little for you.

Went to community theatre this evening. Very good opening night, but a very light crowd. I got in a few minutes ago, had a snack and my meds. Was kind of wired so I meditated a bit, realized I'm too wired to calm down and gave up. Laying down now. Trying to unwind my wound up mind is like telling a cat to stop licking itself in front of the company.

I want to be part of them so badly!

Today is much better. My pain levels were horrible this morning, such so that I cried during yoga, in and out of child's pose. I spent quite a lot of practice in child's pose. Nobody said a word about it. I didn't want them to. Remembered to have some kratom after and the pain is very nearly gone. No flashbacks today. My mood is also much better now. Sometimes I cry during class anyway, and can't help it, because yoga releases stored emotions. They say it's in your hips.

I’m glad you are feeling better today. Sending big hugs.

Was just thinking... If I told my parents or my ex, now or when we were married, I'd have been told to shut up about it or go away or even be made fun of.
So much compassion here! These are real people on PC, broken, busted, loving, beautiful people. Thank you all so much