Alone for 9 days for the first time in over a decade

I know there are people here that live all by themselves. You’ll maybe find this post to be a bit pathetic, but I can’t help it. It’s been at least 10 years since I’ve had to spend more than one night alone at home at night. Though I am on disability and home mostly alone during the daytime (although with my parrot), my husband always comes home after work or the occasional dinner out with buddies, and is with me most all weekends. He used to travel for business, but after my illness grew particularly bad, they stopped sending him on trips.

During the past decade my husband and I traveled together for trips, but this coming week plus he will go to Europe alone. He didn’t want to go at all, but I practically forced him. He has an important project to do and he was procrastinating terribly, on the verge of getting into trouble. Some of it has to be done in Europe. I cannot help since I don’t speak Czech. We didn’t have the money for me to go anyway, plus I didn’t want to go. I’ve been to Czech Republic many times, and would hate to play tourist yet again, on my own.

I am fairly stable right now, but feeling a little strange. I'm not exactly anxious at the moment, though I was (about his trip) a couple of weeks ago. I've been agitated at times this week, but it comes and goes. Ativan has helped, luckily. I'm trying to be strong, especially not to worry hubby. He's extremely nervous as it is. Right now more than me. It could change, but I'm telling myself that there's no good in that.

Hubby will see family and friends and be busy with a project. I'm happy that his/our nephew will join him for one part of the project. As for me, I deliberately planned some visits and activities. I just have to follow through with them. My fear is that I won’t and I’ll be in bed all day and night growing depressed. I don’t have a great support system beyond my psychiatrist and therapist. Though I do plan to see family, I lost all of my friends to bipolar so I don’t have those connections. There are some online friends, but they are not that close.

Hubby and I will touch base at least once per day. I hope that looking forward to that will help, and will motivate me to do the activities I planned. I made sure to have a psychiatrist and therapist appointment in his absence…just in case. Plus, I look forward to seeing them.

You may be wondering how old I am. I’m 46. Believe me when I say being alone all night was easier when I was in my 20s. Perhaps this “test” scares me so much because horrible thoughts of a future alone haunt me. I get worried that something will happen to my husband. I also worry that he will die before me. He’s almost 13 years older than me. It’s certainly a possibility. I’ve grown so dependent on him because of my illness. I worry that if he ever dies before me, that I’ll die, too. Does anyone else feel like that about their spouse/partner?

My husband just started traveling with his job, and the longest we have been apart is about 7 days. He was worried about going away for work with illness and me not being stable very often.
So far it has been going ok, we do talk and video chat daily and that helps a lot. I do allow myself bed days if I dont want to get up. He worries when he is gone but I do have good support from doc and tdoc.
You will do fine, keep your plans and check in with us. Be gentle on yourself.

I have occasionally had to be by myself for a week or two while my wife travels to visit family, and that has never been a problem. I always know her itinerary and can follow along from a distance, and she always makes certain to stock the house with everything I will need while she is away...and it sounds like you have a workable plan including some helpful preparations.

Apart from that and if my wife were to die before me, I would not even attempt to live alone. I would immediately ask for help in finding a live-in caregiver, an assisted-living situation, group home or whatever.

Thanks for sharing...& especially for your perspectives, LeeJoseph. My girlfriend & I have lived together 14 years, & have seldom spent more than 2-3 days apart. I tried to enjoy the quiet time, & time alone. Like you, BirdDancer, I'm on disability & spend a lot of time home alone already. I can understand your apprehension. I'd be concerned if faced with that situation. Try to think of it as a temporary trila as a single person. Stupid answer, I know, but it's the best I could come up with.

leejoseph0, I would also find the need to have someone come to my house, live in a group home, or to at least find a friendly roommate, or something like that.

emgreen, really I don't think I'd do myself much good being single and alone for too long. Like even tonight. For dinner I ate a serving of Tiramisu and an orange. I probably won't cook for myself much while he's away, even though I'm generally a pretty good and enthusiastic cook.

I know I won't do anything really stupid in the 8 days he's away, but if I was widowed, I'd be afraid for myself. I have horrible thoughts that I'd stop my meds and start drinking again. Intellectually I know that would be stupid, but I'd be afraid that I'd lose all common sense.

Yes I can relate to that feeling. I've been with my husband since I was in high school, almost 9 years and married for almost 4 years. He's been my rock through most of my illness. I never want to be away from him and we are the best of friends. We like to do everything together. He once went away for a week for a work thing and it was really lonely. I too have lost many friends to my illness. I mostly threw myself into my work, but I think I can see how it would be difficult if you didn't have work to keep you occupied. Maybe volunteering would give the same effect. Usually its scheduled and you have an obligation to go so its a bit easier to not bail out on it. Maybe taking care of friends kids or something might help too, they are usually a nice distraction. You can channel your creativity, come up with projects for them. There's also the planned distractions for it you do stay home, make yourself a routine. Movie, book, music, sleep is a pleasant one for me in the evening when its the hardest to be alone.

I always tell my husband he is not allowed to die before me. I still don't know how I would do it without him but he said that he would want me to continue on. I don't think anyone can prepare themselves for a devastating loss. The best thing you could probably do is set up better support systems if you are really concerned. I know you have said that your friends have left but maybe a bipolar support group would help, they all would understand and you could probably communicate by text or email if you had severe symptoms. I went to one once and it was such a great feeling. Also, having things that give you meaning are important.

I struggle to help because I face the exact fear but hopefully you feel less alone in the anxiety.

It's natural to be anxious about a big change like that but you can also look at it as a time to get to know yourself better. You might find you handle it well and that will give you some self-confidence too.

I live alone now for several years. At first it was a difficult adjustment and I felt lonely most of the time and was in kind of a state of panic about it. After awhile I got used to it and now would need to have 'alone time' if I were to get in a relationship. I also have a number of serious illnesses and it is always on my mind that I need to take care of myself so I can still live independently. It's a real conscious motivation.

If you can motivate yourself to get out of the house every day that will help a lot. I try to walk at least several times a week and find that the more I do it the better I feel. The hardest part is always to get started.

Is there any meals that you like but your husband doesnt care much for ? If so cook that while he is gone.. Keep up with your schedule to keep yourself occupied... My husband often travels to see his kids and especially the granddaughter he flys for free his son works for the airline.. We have 2 Dogs so I usually stay home half the time... I actually like having some alone time...

Keep in mind its only going to be X days til he is home.. That might help you feel better

I have same fear of my husband passing before me... I cant imagine my living alone..

Whats your Birds name ? I use to have 29 parrots LOL wasn't diagnosed Bipolar back then(yet) ,, but looking back?? LOL Yeah .. I loved and played with all of them daily

I will work as hard as I can to get out. I know that is the key. I am even normally too isolated. I know without hubby the isolation would be to excessive. I'm glad my sister will visit tomorrow. On Saturday there is some event downtown. I see pdoc and tdoc next week. I should get in my car a bit on other days.

Thank you, everyone!

(((Hug)))

I live with my 11 year old daughter. When she’s away with her dad, my older daughter or Girl Scouts. I’m just besides myself. I have to try to keep busy. I have a dog and I play with her a bit. Then I watch Hulu or Netflix to pass the time. When she’s away I really miss her and feel alone. I talk on the phone to my aunt. Next weekend she has a camping trip and of course it’s over night. I’m going to try and plan something fun with my older daughter if she’s off work. I understand how you feel rest assure most of us do. Your doing the right things by planning a head. I hope you stick to your plans but I know it’s easy to change our minds at the last minute. I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you.

I hope you do well. You have good insight and good plans. Wishing you the best.