Alone

You truly do not know my situation.
I moved in to help care for Mom, January of 2016. I've been there ever since. I've done my tour. My siblings, my parents, everyone, all have been aware that my parents need more help than I am able to provide since I told them from the hospital as a psych patient in August. Early September is the last anyone else has come to help. Mom kept getting harder and harder to deal with, because she's almost finally fully realized she will never walk again and they will end up in an assisted facility. I can't keep putting myself into them. There's very little of me left. Through this time, I've gotten a divorce, and hospitalized myself twice for suicidality associated with bipolar, the damages my ex did, and the crushing situation I was living in. If I return, I can assure you of one thing, I won't be alive by Christmas. That alone should help you understand some of how I have been feeling and what I've been through within two years time.
What's odd right now though, I don't feel anything at all. No emotions except a bit of confusion as to why I don't feel anything.

Don't say that, SorryShaped

I'm so sorry SorryShaped. I had no idea of the gravity of your situation. That's a hell of a load to bear alone. I hope you can get some help emotionally...there's not much worse than the kind of pain you're going through. I'll reiterate, though, don't do anything impulsive...You're a critical piece of PC.

Today was not impulsivity. I've been packed since August. Just past boiling point and running out of water. I was trying for after Christmas, but obviously could not make it that far. I've sent a message to me therapist, whom I saw yesterday. Other than it getting cold out, I could stay here

I'm keeping the Portugal The Man song "atomic man" on repeat for hours now.
Yoga time is nearly here. If it happens to be that my favorite instructor is back, I'll thank her and say goodbye

Is it possible that this sense of running out of time is part of your condition?

Also, divorced people seem to take 2 or 3 years to recover. You're being awfully hard on yourself, to expect yourself to be OK already.

I fully expect to never be ok.
Right now, I'm driving to a place I don't think the cops will bother me and I can sleep there. I'm spent. I have my flashlights and things to keep warm with. I'll be ok. Probably

It wasn't my favorite instructor. Someone said not until next week. Gonna be a cold weekend then

Yes, that's a heavy load you're describing here today. Yikes.
You deserve a break, some time when you can focus your energies on your own healing.

I'm glad you are prepared to stay warm and safe tonight.
I hope you'll keep in touch here.

Much Love to You.

WC

I'm concerned, SorryShaped.

Can't you ask your t for an emergency session?

It doesn't sound like you've been honest with the t, if they think your actions are fine.

Why shouldn't you be OK?

Other people are. But you're convinced you don't deserve it.

Read back over your recent replies to other members who are struggling.

See how patient and articulate and kind you are?

Every word you said to them also applies to you. Please find a way to turn that kindness on yourself.

I saw my therapist yesterday. I told him then that I would try to stick it out until Christmas but didn't know if I could. He knows how bad it is, believe me he knows. I told him about the dream and Mom's behaviours when I shared with her how I felt. He knows. I sent him an email because he'd asked to see my "age 7" bio excerpt. I sent the email with that attached and an additional line of "I left my parents today. I'm officially homeless." He actually asked me "why haven't you already left?" during therapy yesterday.
If he thinks I need something, he knows how to get ahold of me.
My parents have now both messaged me. I'll not reply. I'm done with that part of my life.

To set minds more at ease, at one AM I went to the convenience store that one of my sisters works at and told her what happened. She told me to go sleep at her place for tonight. I had been sleeping in the truck in the cold but knew I couldn't take night meds there for when the cops came back again to wake me up again. I guess they were Judy trying to make sure I was ok.

I hope you can get some sleep at her house tonight.


WC

How are you today?

I got sleep last night. This morning I went to the gym, then wandered Walmart forever because it's warm and I needed a few things like peanut butter, crackers, raisins, and a fork/knife/spoon set from the camping aisle. After that, I ate a little about then the office was open for public housing. I filled out the app and they said some people wait up to a year even! Being able to mark the "disabled" box makes a difference in position on the list though, as she said. After that I went back to the gym, got more time on the elliptical, then some treadmill and finally yoga for the second time in one day. I have just over 5 hours of exercise total today, counting wandering Walmart mostly for the heat. I ran into my brother after the first gym trip but before Walmart and told him I'd left my parents' house yesterday. He asked where I was going to live, and I said "you're looking at it" as I gestured over my shoulder. He said I could sleep at his house some.

Ah SorryShaped. It sounds a bit horrible, my friend

I have the feeling it will be ok. Whatever happens, it will be ok. Am I delusional?

I am glad your siblings are trying to help you. I hope you get plenty of rest and support.


WC

Nobody answered me last night when I messaged for a place to sleep. At 8:30 my brother messaged "ringer was off, so sorry. You should have just come over." I went to my parents' and slept on the floor again at 3:30 AM when I stopped shivering, but not because I was warm. I could tell my brain was shutting down. My heating cushion died last night, completely. I'm leaving in about 2 minutes to go back to the gym and whatever else I can do. I'll likely go to the library today as well. It's warm and I'm safe and happy both of those places. I'm not going to eat their food or anything. If I run into someone, I'll thank them for a place to sleep. Just out the door is my goal. I have my food in my truck.

I'm so sorry about your situation, but am glad you found a way to make it through the night. Please stay healthy.

I'll be ok. I keep telling myself that anyway. I got my heat cushion to work again! I know I can always get a hot shower at the gym. One of them has towel service, so that's less I'll have to wash at the laundromat.

Forgive me for saying so, but it does sound slightly delusional. If a friend of yours headed out into the Winter night with nothing, would you think it was fine?

I'm hoping your state of mind is temporary, and that you're just doing what you have to do to mentally survive / clear your head.

Take care, Sorry shaped

Honestly, I didn't feel my situation quite so bad when I saw a guy I've known but only off and on for 30 years wearing a t-shirt and a flannel shirt last night. I gave him a ride to the abandoned house he was sleeping in

I'm at my end. I give up. No more fight. I just spent an hour and a half filling out a huge application and getting a copy of my birth certificate and come back and they already closed the office. It was supposed to be open another hour when I got here.
I'm done with everything. I am out of hope and cope. I'm sorry if this upsets anyone. This is where I'm at. I'm not going to try to sleep at anyone's home tonight or a shelter. I'll take my meds to sleep as prescribed and see what happens come morning. I just don't care anymore. I'm not even crying. I'm completely numb to it all at this point

Please don't make any decisions when you're feeling so low and tired.