[HALLIEBETH87]

every sunday and tuesday night i start getting anxious and worried and stressed about work the next day. i worked so so hard to get back to be able to work part time. but now anxiety eats away at me and i doubt myself so much. i just sit nd cry and worry. none of my coping skills make it much easier. theres so much worse things things in the world and i feel bad for feeling this way. i cant go back to not working because i really need the money and everyone would be so disappointed in me. i just really wanna succeed. i havent had much in the way of success in my adult life.

why does this always happen? i always let stress get me. so i just sit here and cry and think of all the things i have to do for work but dont know how to do and no one to help me. then i hide it from everyone.

[Victoria'smom]

I don't know how to help you. I ended up not signing up for volunteering for another semester because of it. Have you tried a hot shower?

[eye2797]

I was that way every Sunday night. after awhile it got to be that I would cry everyday on my way to work and I lived like 1/4 mile or less.
It made me realize in the end , it wasnt worth it.
I have not worked for 2 years now. I want to as soon as I can get some stability.
Good luck

[HALLIEBETH87]

i hadnt worked in four years and jsut started back. its only part time and i still cant hande it well. i count down the hours im there. i feel like a huge failure and like ill never be ok working so stupid.

i literally count down the hours so i can go to bed every night. i just want to sleep.

[HopeForChange]

I also had a hard time re-adjusting to working part-time. I now work every weekday, though not for a full 8 hours, and I have been managing pretty well in this job for the past few years.

What helped me is coming up with little rituals to look forward to at different parts of the work day. The night before work, I drink Lipton decaffeinated honey lemon green tea. The warm, soothing tea helps me get to sleep--it also contains chamomile, which helps slow my thoughts and ease me into sleep. I sometimes have multiple cups since it's decaffeinated and has no calories (though I do sometimes add sugar, which of course has calories, but has never kept me awake personally--though it could be different for you). In the morning, I get up an hour before I need to and do gentle stretching and reading--anything I find relaxing. It's hard to wake up early if I've had a restless night, but in a sense it's also easier to get out of bed when I know that I will be doing something I enjoy for the first hour to ease into the day. I actually have a harder time when I sleep later, but have to jump straight out of bed and rush to get ready. During the workday, I bring my smartphone and read inspirational emails. You could also bring a book you like and read a little bit on break, or even bring a journal and write down your worries if you have a private place to keep it. At the end of the day, do something to reward yourself for making it through--anything you consider a treat. I hate painting my nails because I always do a bad job, but a lot of people find it rewarding and feel pretty afterwards. You could also take a bubble bath or go for a walk on a pretty trail if the weather is decent--though of course you might want to take a buddy for safety.

Above all, be patient with yourself! It took me a long time to ease back into working, and I had a couple of unsuccessful attempts when I tried to go back into the field that I had studied before I became ill. I ended up having to find much less stressful work, but I enjoy it much more and hope to soon be off of disability, as I'm making close to the cut-off. I was very frustrated by the initial setbacks and was devastated when I couldn't do my first two jobs, but I'm very happy with where I'm at now, even if I sometimes get mad at myself for not living up to my pre-illness potential.

I'm rambling, haha, but on a side note, we have similar diagnoses (mine are SZA (Bipolar type), PTSD, generalized anxiety disorder, and insomnia), so feel free to shoot me a message if I can be of any help Best wishes! You'll do wonderfully--remember, returning to work is a process, not something that becomes easy overnight--so be patient with yourself!

[HopeForChange]

Oh--I though of a few more things:

1. Take care of your other responsibilities (grocery shopping, cleaning, pet care, errands, etc.) right after work so that once you're finally home and done with everything, you can really and truly relax. Putting off responsibilities until later in the evening just gives you more time to stress about them.

2. Some of my friends think this is disgusting, but in the fall, winter, and early spring, I shower before bed rather than in the morning. I can't get away with it in the summer because when it's hot, I sweat at night and would smell bad if I didn't shower right before work, but when it's cooler, I always shower at night. This helps because the hot water helps me relax for bed, and it also gives me one less thing to do in the morning. If you can get a scented shower gel from Bath and Body Works or somewhere like that, it makes a nighttime shower even more relaxing.

3. I wasn't sure if I should say this or not because I've read your posts for awhile (I'm a frequent lurker) and I know you've had religious-themed delusions and manias, but IF you think it would be helpful--like when you're anxious and need relief, but are not manic or experiencing delusions, could you go to a morning prayer service before work? We're not the same religion (I'm Jewish), but our Synagogue has a 7am morning service that I like to attend. It's a small, tight-knit group of people, and it helps center and energize me for the day. It wouldn't even have to be at an actual physical church--maybe a morning prayer circle or informal prayer group? Again, do this with caution and be mindful of not going to places where there's a lot of talk about mental illness being caused by demons.

4. Now that you're earning a paycheck, treat yourself once in awhile. I don't earn nearly enough to really splurge, but I do treat myself to little things like Starbucks (again, you can get decaf if caffeine is problematic), or even a massage if I save up. I really can't say enough good things about massages--they're great! I wish I could afford them more often!

5. This might sound weird, but if you're really stressed, watch Sesame Street or another childhood favorite show before work. They start pretty early in the morning. I don't do it often, but when my thoughts are going too fast or the delusions/loud thoughts are too consuming for things like reading, it's a great way to start the day.

6. If you have negative people in your life, don't talk to them before work or just before bed if you can help it. If you have to talk to them, try to do it right after work like it's another task to check off your list of things to do. You don't want people putting negative thoughts in your head right before you go to work or try to fall asleep.

Again, sorry for rambling--this is a topic I'm passionate about, haha, so I can go off on tangents

[LiteraryLark]

WOW, Hope for Change, you have some amazing suggestions, a lot of things I do are similar. You should make your own separate thread for this, it's amazing!

Here are some things I do...and I had a list of stuff, but to me this was the most important I wanted to share to you because it is meaningful to me, and it is very much an at-work coping strategy.

Bring a journal specifically for work. I got in trouble sometimes for writing in it at hotel front desk, but often times they turned the other cheek. Mine burned in the fire, but it was really cool. I had a page that had a precious family photo of me and my parents and my brother, and underneath I wrote, "I can do this...they are counting on me!" Whenever I felt sad at work, I turned to that page and just looked at it for a while, and remember why I need to stay at that job no matter how difficult it was. I had a few things that went on in that journal that may be helpful for you:
a) Find a mentor. I found a mentor at front desk and she took me under her wing. If she said something brilliant, and with her everything was brilliant, I wrote it down in the journal. "D's Wise Words". She was full of inspiration and I watched her like a hawk for anything I can take away from her. She taught me how to be a better human being just by the way she treated the guests that passed her by and little tidbits about how she presents herself. There will always be someone you can look up to at work, and if not, look for the worst employee and ask yourself, "What about this guy do I NOT want to be like". Feel free to judge, because if you look at the best employees and the worst employees, it will show you what kind of person you want to be like at work, then make goals to become like them, or not like them.
b) Set goals. I have had many, many goal journals, even goal journals for work. Start off with three daily goals, and then one overall goal you'd like to accomplish this month or this year.
c) Write lists of exactly what you need to do on a typical work day. All the routine stuff, odds and ends, and anything you can do to help out your coworkers or bosses. This way, you come to work knowing exactly what is expected of you, and you will be showing your bosses that you are a good employee when they see you doing things you need to do without being asked. If something is difficult, or specific, write that down. When I was a housekeeper, my first few days I took notes of exactly how a room should be cleaned, the chemicals and what they are used for, etc. I did the same at front desk. I had my own section of "To-Do's" so that I can always stay busy.
d) Dedicate a page in your journal to take pride in your job. Write down the company's slogan and their mission. Write down or keep copies of handouts of good information about the company, even if it's something like a sale going on or an upcoming fundraiser. Sometimes, if you want to excel in the company you gotta think like the company.

There's a lot you can do with a work journal, those are a few suggestions, and it really helped me focus on the job when I really didn't want to be there.

[LiteraryLark]

Another thing I wanted to include that Hope for Change touched on a bit was finding a routine. Not just for work but for your personal life, too.

1. Morning routine: Do you shower? Play some uplifting instrumentals while you shower, or what I have done in the past was to pick the nicest smelling shampoos that work best with your hair type and the most rejuvenating, exfoliating, best smelling body wash. Light a candle and watch the flames for 5-10 minutes. Drink a cup of coffee or tea in the most relaxing part of the house. Plan on eating breakfast, even if it's a bagel and cream cheese. Read a daily motivational, whether it's Jesus Calling or Zen or DBT, etc. Prepare a work lunch the night before or before work.

At Work: Go on a walk during your breaks. Bring music if you can. Read a small book whether it's a fun book, a zen/religious book, or DBT book.

Night: Take a hot bubble bath with spa music, do yoga, write a hand-written letter, journal, look at funny memes or pictures of cute animals, make a lunch for the next work day.

Pay Day: I feel you should splurge a little on pay day. Up until the fire, Pay Day meant one energy drink and a meal out a sit-down restaurant. Sometimes I'll buy a little something just for me.

[Tucson]

All of this is very good information for me. I have been twenty years out of the job market, so I am very nervous in returning. My mind does not work as it once did. I am sure I will be overwhelmed even before work starts. I am thinking of starting slow by working part time to stay on disability. I do want to get off of disability by working full time. I will follow this thread for more ideas.

[HALLIEBETH87]

I want to one day work full time off of disability. I can't even handle 16 hours right now. It's all the planing activities by myself. My confidence is slowing drying up. I don't feel like I can do this and i hate that. I can't fail. I need the money.

I'm worried all this stress will bring on symptoms of my illness.

[HALLIEBETH87]

Today wasnt too bad. I'm thankful
For good coworkers and a really nice boss.

[~Christina]

You can do this, You just started this job a short while ago.

Maybe take your PRN on the nights before you work ?

I hope your feeling better and glad you had a better day

[Wonderfalls]

c) Write lists of exactly what you need to do on a typical work day. All the routine stuff, odds and ends, and anything you can do to help out your coworkers or bosses. This way, you come to work knowing exactly what is expected of you, and you will be showing your bosses that you are a good employee when they see you doing things you need to do without being asked. If something is difficult, or specific, write that down. When I was a housekeeper, my first few days I took notes of exactly how a room should be cleaned, the chemicals and what they are used for, etc. I did the same at front desk. I had my own section of "To-Do's" so that I can always stay busy.

Yes, I'd forgotten this. When I worked with computers I made a notebook of specific instructions (with pictures! I was a computer trainer before that.) It helped that I didn't really have to think when I was stressed, just follow my own instructions.

When I started working at a library branch, I included answers to things patrons--or people off the street--would often ask. (Where to get notarized, where to get stamps. what the instructions on our parking meter said, addresses, phone numbers, where to get birth certificates...People think the library knows everything.) That notebook ended up being used by the whole staff. It's less stressful if you don't have to keep saying "I don't know." or even having to ask other people.

[HALLIEBETH87]

i am supposed to talk about dbt review tomorrow in therapy but i plan on asking to talk about this first. i spend sooo much of my time worrying about work. so much. its unhealthy worry.

[Tucson]

Originally Posted by HALLIEBETH87

I want to one day work full time off of disability. I can't even handle 16 hours right now. It's all the planing activities by myself. My confidence is slowing drying up. I don't feel like I can do this and i hate that. I can't fail. I need the money.

I'm worried all this stress will bring on symptoms of my illness.

This is where I am at right now. I am scared scared scared about the prospects of actually going to a new job. I want to go back into my previous career, in the computer field. But my self-esteem has drained from me over the years, and my mind is not anywhere as sharp as it used to be. I am thinking of volunteering on a regular basis just for now. I think this will help me before I get an actual part time job.

@Wonderfalls: I think your idea about the notebook is something I may use. My new job will likely include procedures that I can document. A time schedule would probably help too.

[HopeForChange]

Originally Posted by HALLIEBETH87

i am supposed to talk about dbt review tomorrow in therapy but i plan on asking to talk about this first. i spend sooo much of my time worrying about work. so much. its unhealthy worry.

Please just be patient with yourself. I know for me, it was really hard when I first had a steady commitment requiring me to be at a certain place at a certain time every day. The dread really built up as the work week would approach. With time, I've gotten used to it, and I truly believe you will, too.