[SorryShaped]

My dream last night saddened me immensely. I was dieing in a hospital and I heard one of the nurses say to another,
"We'll have his bed soon. I can't wait to see him go. He never even had one visitor in over a year he's been here. Maybe he'll finally get some comfort. I'm tired of looking at him."
After that, I'm feeling very alone this morning. I'm far too broken to ever consider being that big of a part of someone's life. Too many pieces and too far gone. I've decided to accept that I'm a nothing and just want to leave everyone alone.
I'm putting this on PC because I might not come back here and this way you know what's happened. I tried to talk to Mom about it because I'm both very down and accepting it and she told me I was acting crazy and outright accused me of not taking my meds. The emotional unavailability from childhood never ends.
I have both therapist and meds management appointments later today. If it doesn't go well there, I'll probably pack my stuff and disappear after.

Hi SorryShaped. I'm sorry you had such a sad dream. Remember that dreams are just dreams. Depression skews one's view of reality and makes one hopeless, when there is hope.

It seems to me that your mom is actually very worried about you, even if the way she expresses it is not the way you wished to hear it. She's probably afraid for you, and sometimes fear is expressed in various ways. You say that you've experienced "emotional unavailability" from her. That sucks that that has affected you, but that is really her own problem and reflects some of her own issues she needs to work through. I am sure that she feels very much better with you present than disappeared. Seeing people disappear from my life has been incredibly hard for me.

I hope your therapy and/or meds management appointments go well. I hope you let one or both of them know what you wrote here. I have not been a member for very long here, but as a SuperPoster I'm sure you have helped many people this year through your support, shared experience, and story. I'd be very sad if this was your last post here.

[Wild Coyote]

I am incredibly short on time; yet, just saw your post.

That was a sad dream, for sure. I can relate. I've misplaced a lots of friends over the years, for various reasons.

I hope your appointments go well and you check-in again later on.
I must go or I'll be late for my appts.


WC

You are not alone. Please check in so we know you are okay. Hugs.

[SorryShaped]

Today gets stranger.
My doc asked to have a student sit in on the appointment. Of course, I welcomed her gladly. I'd do just about anything to take the tiniest shot at helping anyone else not suffer in this life quite so much. She'll be interviewing me after my therapist appointment.
I've managed to put away an energy drink and am doing better.

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

I was so sorry to read about your sad dream.

Please don't go anywhere!

[HALLIEBETH87]

Stay, we want you here.

Hope you're feeling better

[Aliceiw]

Originally Posted by SorryShaped

My dream last night saddened me immensely. I was dieing in a hospital and I heard one of the nurses say to another,
"We'll have his bed soon. I can't wait to see him go. He never even had one visitor in over a year he's been here. Maybe he'll finally get some comfort. I'm tired of looking at him."
After that, I'm feeling very alone this morning. I'm far too broken to ever consider being that big of a part of someone's life. Too many pieces and too far gone. I've decided to accept that I'm a nothing and just want to leave everyone alone.
I'm putting this on PC because I might not come back here and this way you know what's happened. I tried to talk to Mom about it because I'm both very down and accepting it and she told me I was acting crazy and outright accused me of not taking my meds. The emotional unavailability from childhood never ends.
I have both therapist and meds management appointments later today. If it doesn't go well there, I'll probably pack my stuff and disappear after.

I sometimes think of the day that my husband is no longer with me. We don't plan on having children so I imagine myself all alone, to die alone. It's a frightening thing to imagine. When you're feeling down sometimes you imagine the worst case scenario (in your case dream of it). You just have to remember to be in the now. Right now you do have people that love you ad would miss you dearly, all of your friends on here care about you. You're mother, although she may not understand that her words aren't said in a helpful way, loves you or else she wouldn't want you to be healthy (taking meds is a healthy decision). She may not understand at all but what she's telling you is, "I want you not to be in pain, I've seen medication makes you feel better, please get help I want you to not feel so bad". It seems though that she is experiencing a strong emotion of fear that she will lose you or that you are dearly suffering, that comes out as hurtful words sometimes which I believe is what may be happening. Some people are terrible at expressing concern, a flaw that can be painful to those on the other end.

Don't leave though, don't pack up and disappear. You are needed, loved, and dearly cared about. You are stronger than you know and you can do this. You are not alone, even when it feels like it. This will end and you will feel better, just hang in there. Take it one day at a time and one baby step to the next and before you know it life will look different, promise.

[SorryShaped]

Therapy went well. I apparently push people away, usually accidentally because of my problems with understanding how people interact, or deliberately on purpose, because of a few things:
1. Fear they'll abandon me.
2. Fear I'll abandon them by not being enough, and not wanting to hurt them.
3. Fear I'll be become completely and utterly in love forever. Fear that I'll really find true love.

[~Christina]

Im glad Therapy went well today.

You matter

Keep posting

Originally Posted by SorryShaped

Therapy went well. I apparently push people away, usually accidentally because of my problems with understanding how people interact, or deliberately on purpose, because of a few things:
1. Fear they'll abandon me.
2. Fear I'll abandon them by not being enough, and not wanting to hurt them.
3. Fear I'll be become completely and utterly in love forever. Fear that I'll really find true love.

I push people away too......I can relate to your feelings of fear. You are a good person with so much to offer this world. Please accept the help being offered and please know you are worthy of friends. With love and gratitude I urge you to keep reaching out until you find your people. (((Hugs)))

[SorryShaped]

I just came out of the "intake interview" the psych nurse student asked me to do. She was rather taken aback at times and I noticed her eyes widening several times and watched her handwriting get very rapid during those bits. She'll be great at intake anyway.

[SorryShaped]

Forget baby steps. That takes far too long. I'm gonna keep and run!

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

Originally Posted by SorryShaped

Forget baby steps. That takes far too long. I'm gonna keep and run!

Is 'keep and run' a good thing?

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by Purple,Violet,Blue

Is 'keep and run' a good thing?

Supposed to have been "leap and run"

[tecomsin]

Originally Posted by SorryShaped

Therapy went well. I apparently push people away, usually accidentally because of my problems with understanding how people interact, or deliberately on purpose, because of a few things:
1. Fear they'll abandon me.
2. Fear I'll abandon them by not being enough, and not wanting to hurt them.
3. Fear I'll be become completely and utterly in love forever. Fear that I'll really find true love.

Thank you for sharing this. It's an insightful message for me as well. You helped one person more today...

[taybaby]

Don't disappear! I push everyone away too. Hope you get to feeling better. Thinking of you

[SorryShaped]

I've realised I shouldn't go away but I should finda better way to be. My doc told me to get my own place ASAP and to not get involved in any relationships right now. I agree

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

You can do it.

[Unrigged64072835]

Originally Posted by SorryShaped

I've realised I shouldn't go away but I should finda better way to be. My doc told me to get my own place ASAP and to not get involved in any relationships right now. I agree

Sounds like a good plan.

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

How are you feeling now?

[SorryShaped]

It got weird today. About an hour ago, I packed up and left my parents' house. I can't deal with it there any longer. I'd figured on 10 minutes, but it only took 8 to get it and get out. I thanked them for the place to stay and left.
I suppose I'll be heading south but don't know

[Wild Coyote]

Any chance you can tolerate going back until you've made a viable plan?
Please take good care of yourself.
I hope you'll check in here?


WC

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

Any chance you can tolerate going back until you've made a viable plan?
Please take good care of yourself.
I hope you'll check in here?


WC

I'd choose finality before I would go back.

[emgreen]

Don't do anything too implusive. "Heading south" might seem a viable option, but I'd hope you'll have your ducks in a row before jumping in. FWIW, I'm 56 & my father's 77; we still get into it on occasion, & I have a hard time spending more than a few days with him & my mother. I know I should be grateful I still have them, but parents never lose their ability to push one of our buttons sometimes. I wish you luck, whatever you decide.