Forward then back

I felt slightly better last week. I was more productive, quiet suicidal thoughts, quiet self harm thoughts. I ate better (though not less). Then on Saturday I started sliding back down and now I’m back down on the ****ing bottom.

I’m absolutely hopeless. My program therapist said Christmas is triggering for me and therefore I may not feel better until after Christmas. But she doesn’t get it’s not just grief that’s keeping me down. Yes that’s a part of it, a big part of it, but it’s also a clinical depression that is not ****ing breaking no matter what I do.

I’ve lost all my fight. I’m prepared to just curl up. I’m prepared to write my will so my son will be taken care of.

But that would be selfish.

I feel numb. And so angry. I’m ready to quit php altogether as at this point they are just repeating themselves. If I hear “self-care” one more time I’m going to scream.

I had another triggering dream last night and I suppose that’s why I’m so agitated today instead of purely depressed. I want to do what I did in the dream. But I don’t want to ruin anyone’s Christmas, especially my son’s.

I feel like this is a really big jumbled mess and I’m sorry for that. My head is full of cement as usual.

I'm sorry it is so hard. I wish I had something to say that would help.

I know for me when I go through these tough times. I think of my son and it makes things just a little bit easier.

I'm so sorry! We all care about here. Your a good mom and person. Try to be kind to yourself. Big hugs!

The up and down totally suck !

Im sure PHP gets old quick, I have never had the availablity for IOP or PHP

I do agree Christmas is going to trigger alot of shyt stuff for you.

Your son needs you today tomorrow and throughout his life, Try and hold onto that?

I hate to see you on such a rollercoaster all the time

I know I've been in a similar place so many times and it sucks so badly. Everything is pointless and just plain hard. I'd feel I'd never get out of the darkness. I too have two young boys and they're why I've fought through it every time. I will never be selfish and leave them.

All I can tell you is as bad as it feels it does get better. Sometimes we hit new lows and it tests everything we have in us but it also doesn't last forever. Hang in there and know you're not alone at all.

I am very sorry for the deep pain you suffer. I hope you can hang on, as this will change at some point. In the meantime, take it moment-by-moment.


WC

I feel slightly more energized today than the last few days. It is intensely negative energy but maybe, maybe my mood will turn too.

I know this will end. But I also know it will come back. Maybe not for a year and a half as it did this time. But it will be back. And I’m tired of living my life this way. I’m only 30.

I have dangerous thoughts but no images so again, maybe it’s an improvement.

My mom still has my meds at least except for the trazodone. Nobody knows I have that. I need it for sleep because I can’t stand to be awake right now. Lying awake at night is ********.

I can’t ruin Christmas, I can’t ruin Christmas, I can’t ruin Christmas.

I’m glad you have self awareness, that’s a wonderful thing, means you can see more than black and white.

You will have a great Christmas with your son