[SorryShaped]

I was in meditation earlier and I cried, which isn't unusual, but I knew what about this time. It's been an hour and I'm still tearful. Sometimes I can't let go of some things. Right now, it's hopelessness. I don't feel like I'm using my life correctly, like I'm wrong in every possible way. I need to let this go but can't. I fail far too often to be a good person. I keep having flashbacks to a dream that shook me hard recently, dying alone. I know that death in any form is true final relaxation, complete peace. I want to not want that, to live even without the peace that comes with it.
In my life I'm really not doing well. I went homeless for a few days in freezing weather. I very reluctantly went back to my parents' house and have been reminded several times a day why I left. I asked someone I've had feelings about for 40 years out as friends and she turned me down to catch up on her TV shows. Another friend is mad at me because I wanted to have more meaningless sex if given the opportunity, but that friend got inside my head to make me think about things and I turned down the sex, making my sex buddy very mad at me. I am very afraid that things are going to get much worse very soon. I'm tired of being at my parents' house, where I've not ever truly felt "at home," even as a child. I know that I'll die alone and nobody will care either way. They'll probably just pitch me in the crematory, say nothing, and throw me out in the trash. That seems a fitting end for life lived and used as refuse. I've been fighting for an hour going to my ex and holding her, but I'd rather be dead instead. I don't want her back, I just want anyone. I've been looking back and forth at the box with my meds in it half of the time I wrote this. I am certain I wouldn't and won't but that true final end to the emotional and physical pain, loneliness, and feeling trapped is really sounding very good. I'll probably call a crisis line if it gets much worse. I do have another therapist appointment this week, but I'm questioning the point. I feel good, then horrid, then a little better, then much much worse. I'm useless to everyone.

[99fairies]

You are not useless. You are just going through a rough patch. It will end. I'm so sorry you are feeling this way...big hugs.

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by 99fairies

You are not useless. You are just going through a rough patch. It will end. I'm so sorry you are feeling this way...big hugs.

When I look back, overall it's always been a rough patch. Almost nothing's ever been short of a failure. And I have owned failure in every respect. Ask everyone that knows me. I hate this. I can't even die, if all the attempts I've made throughout my life are any indicator. So then, why try? I'm angry right now, I imagine everything as if it were on fire, myself too, to burn in this hell I've created by being a total casualty of a life. It's pathetic the amount of intelligence I supposedly have and how little I used it. It's worse all the pain bipolar me has caused in my existence, not a true life. I wish I had meds to turn off my head. I just want to turn completely off from everything and be no kind of interference with anyone or anything else.

[SorryShaped]

I'm going to go eat junk food for a while. At least I'll be full of crap in multiple ways

[99fairies]

Do you have a pdoc? Are you on meds?

[SorryShaped]

Yes to both. I hate those questions. I've never stopped taking meds unless there's a bad reaction, even when they aren't working

[99fairies]

Sorry... I didn't mean to upset you.

[SorryShaped]

Your didn't make anything worse. I shouldn't have used strong language

I'm sorry you are feeling this way. You have value and you are worth something, even if you don't feel that way right now. Please do call the crisis line if you feel any worse. I don't know you, but I care and I don't want you to hurt yourself.

[SorryShaped]

At least now I'm full. Half pint of ice cream and huge bowl of popcorn cooked in butter

[Wild Coyote]

I am sorry you are suffering.

It sounds like you are having some realizations, as well as some depression.
Both can be unsettling.

Fortunately, mood episodes don't last forever. In time, they shift.
Yet, they can really make us feel like we're in hell in the meantime.
Please do contact a crisis service if needed.

Anything you can do for distraction?
Go to a movie? Visit a buddy? Other?

Please take good care of yourself.

WC

[SorryShaped]

Out of money. Have to keep every dollar to get into a govt place if I get approved.
Friends are really more like acquaintances in that we hang out maybe once every two or so months and the rest of the times they don't reply to me or answer calls or always have something to do. Or they lecture me. Friends?
I'm glad I'm alone right now. I can scream my head off and nobody hears. At least nobody's said anything yet. Videogames maybe. I can kill things there

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by SorryShaped

At least now I'm full. Half pint of ice cream and huge bowl of popcorn cooked in butter

Ugh that ice cream is letting me know why I don't consume milk or ice cream. Rancid smells from both ends and seriously upset stomach.
The depression is as bad as it was. I really feel like crap. I don't think I'm resting enough. My workouts haven't had a full day's rest since Thanksgiving. I'm sleeping mostly ok, but not last night. I've got to figure this mess out. I can't live always needing someone when there's never anyone when I need them. I wonder if I'd be ok by myself, completely ok completely by myself. I'd have to cut all ties with everyone, including throwing my phone away. I almost like the sound of that.
And now, as I wrap up this, Niel Young and Crazy Horse's "This Town" comes on. I almost hate this song because of how it makes me feel. I say almost because I like music that's got emotional draw.