[tsrc78]

I really don't remember what my emotional state was last week, but it got bad enough that my husband felt the need to take me to the ER. I was a mess by then. I couldn't take the constant mood swings everyday, it was wearing me down, and I wanted to just go away. And I did go away...to the same short term IP hospital I'd been to twice before, that I hated, that I swore I would never go back to, but that was the only option at the time. I was admitted late Friday night

I did get something out of it: the best psychiatrist I have ever had in my life. If it weren't for the fact it was Thanksgiving week, I would have stayed through Friday just to get longer care from her - 3 days was not enough. I unfortunately arrived on time for the weekend, where you see the psychiatrist only on Saturday who is basically just a warm body until the real psychiatrist shows up. Two days wasted.

But this psychiatrist did a lot of explaining to me that just "made sense". i was admitted with a diagnosis of being in a mixed episode, which explains the constant, rapid mood changes throughout the day. She agreed that I should have NEVER been given Wellbutrin during my last stay in the hospital, which sent me on my worst manic and mixed episode I have ever experienced. She explained that being on one or multiple antipsychotics would not be helpful for me. Because my primary issues are my constant mood swings, it was more important to be on multiple mood stabilizers, possibly up to three. Whether this is the right course of treatment or not, it made sense to me! She also felt good that I had appointment to see a psychiatrist at Duke School of Medicine for December, because she she felt my bipolar disorder was just too complex to be treated by local people.

One of my friends told me she was appalled I had never seen an MD level psychiatrist since I was diagnosed with bipolar 10 years ago. I have only seen NPs and PAs. And this psychiatrist said that while NPs and PAs are good for treating depression and simple bipolar, my illness was too complex and needed to be treated by a psychiatrist with years of experience. It was helpful to be reaffirmed that my bipolar disorder IS severe, I'm not just making this out to be worse than it is. But boy, it is also devastating to know a psychiatrist with many years of experience herself knows my illness will be very hard to treat.

But she was great, almost worth the hell of experience. I did have a lot of down time during the weekend to write in a composition book they gave us, about coping skills, changes I want to make that will help me get through my life. Like getting on a regular schedule (for sleep, meals, and meds) as well as spending time every week to meal plan and meal prep to save time and money. I also wrote about more personal topics that I will need to discuss in therapy, such as why I have a hard time recognizing my limits, why I compare myself to my successful friends, why it actually pisses me off when therapists tell me I "can accomplish anything" because it gives me unrealistic expectations for my illness and will only make me feel worse when I am unable to achieve them. The journaling REALLY helped, I'm glad I have so much (about 20 pages) worth of info to go back to.

Other than those 2 things, I wish my husband would have never taken me to our ER. The majority of the patients were for substance abuse, we only got group therapy, which always came back to substance abuse issues. I got upset during one group talking about negative thoughts because it again got focused on a substance abuse patient, and I didn't feel comfortable talking about how my negative thoughts make me suicidal in front of a large group. They get NA, AA groups, nothing for us there for mental health issues. I got pissed watching them complain about filling out forms for free rehab, when I have no idea how I'm going to increase my therapy, pay additional copays, and manage the gas money to drive 90 minutes to see a competent psychiatrist. They got picked up from the facility to go to rehab, I have to pray I hold it together until my Duke appointment on December 18. Then some stupid girl snuck in a heroin needle during visitation, which caused all of our rooms to be searched and us to be strip searched. If they want to be a substance abuse facility, be one. But don't stick me in there where my mental health issues get ignored. At any rate, I made my displeasure very well known to the social worker who called to follow up about my stay there - LOL. And I will make my concerns very clear when I talk to an administrator on Monday, about what my husband saw which may have been how the girl got her drugs smuggled in.

Whatever. I am done with that place. I feel almost as bad now as when I went in, but hopefully I have enough coping skills to make it until December 18. Even the crappy NP I see now didn't even TRY to get me in soon (I'd been able to see a pdoc within a week of being hospitalized) and instead told the social worker she would see me at my scheduled visit on December 14! I am so done. No wonder I still feel terrible.

Anyhow, just wanted to give a (long) update. Thanks.

Good to have you back, tsrc and glad you had some good stuff like the nice Pdoc and good journaling. Despite the other -- I'm sorry some of that other stuff happened.

I can relate to feeling the odd one out for not having substance abuse issues -- I actually asked one time if I was in the wrong group, because it was a trauma group and everyone seemed to have addiction issues (If they didn't, they weren't talking, so I was not relating a great deal of the time in a group you'd think I'd be relating left and right.)

This is not about me, but I wanted to speak up on that to let you know-- you are NOT alone, and I don't want you to feel marginalized or forgotten in that --in case you did --, even if your experience might have left that taste.

[SparkySmart]

I enjoyed (if that's the right word) your story SO much. I mean, I'm sorry you had to go through it, but you described it all very well, and much of it resonates with me. I was admitted in November to a free-standing psychiatric hospital which is affiliated with an enormous medical complex, and I was on their dedicated mental health ward. That was nice (right word?), but there were no classes at all; I guess bipolar people here don't need coping skills as much as medication adjustments, huh? There was no AA/NA on this ward, so i didn't have to listen to a lot of irrelevant material. Honestly, it was more interesting observing other patients anyway, who represented a fair cross-section of mental illness diagnoses.

But enough about me. I look forward to seeing your posts as you navigate through new territory. Sounds to me like you have lots of insight, and this should serve you well; on the whole, I would say that bipolar people research their condition more than others who suffer the indignities of mental illness. Like you, I'll have to sacrifice meals to pay for this most recent episode...I refuse to let my credit rating take a hit because I couldn't hold it together.

Duke has an excellent reputation! You should get top-tier care there and hopefully some stability. It came at a high price, for sure, but it'll be worth it.

[franz kafka]

Welcome back! I'm glad to hear you survived the experience. I can totally relate to being stuck on a substance abuse ward that ignores other mental illness. Super frustrating. But it sounds like you got something good out of it overall. Keep on fighting.

[Sunflower123]

Hello and welcome back. I’m sorry you had such an unpleasant experience but glad you found two diamonds in the rough. I wish you well on your quest with Duke. I hope they provide you with an outstanding treatment regimen. Best wishes.

[Nammu]

Congratulations on finding a pdoc. That's half the battle now days. So glad she reaffirmed the complexity of your situation and got you help. It sucks tho that you got stuck in a rehab situation.

[tsrc78]

I'm feeling a bit annoyed because I have struggled so much over the past several days, really since I've been back home.

I'm still having a lot of mood swings, just maybe not quite as frequent as before. But still frustrating. I go from crying uncontrollably, to productive hypomania, to extreme anger. And I've been taking my meds very well. I know I can't expect a quick fix, but I was hoping my moods would get a little better, not worse. I try to read about the coping skills I wrote in my journal, but it all looks like gibberish. I've been trying to work on our meal planning, but can only concentrate for short periods of time. I know I need to go to sleep, but I don't want to sleep because I don't know how I'm going to get back into the routine of my kids being back in school, because I don't want to leave my house. I feel really down and stressed, and not coping very well at all.

Ugh. Why can't a hospital just make you "better"? I don't know how I'm going to get through this.

[wildflowerchild25]

I’m with you. IP got me out of psychosis but that’s about it. Still struggling with awful depression off and on. Hang in there! Hopefully it will get better for both of us.

[tsrc78]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

I’m with you. IP got me out of psychosis but that’s about it. Still struggling with awful depression off and on. Hang in there! Hopefully it will get better for both of us.

I know you are going through so much too, and it is absolutely terrible. I hate not knowing how I am going to feel like from one minute to another. Today I got a card from my girls' school about a school event they are doing tomorrow. Free admission for them, and with my admission and skate rentals it was only going to be $9. Normally we don't have the money to do anything, but this we could afford. However when they asked if they could go, all I could say was I'm not sure. I would like to try to go, but it all depends on how I am feeling tomorrow - if we don't go, it's not that they did something wrong, just that I didn't feel well. How fair is it that I can't even guess how I'll be feeling 24 hours from now, how fair is it to them? . I want to give up, but somehow I've got to hang in there, if not for me, for my husband and kids.

I want you to hang on too. You are a wonderful person going through a horrible illness and I do understand how it feels. I just wish we didn't have to go through this. I keep hoping my new meds will somehow "solve" everything, but I feel like that may be wishful thinking. We both have to keep going, no matter how hard it is, no matter how much we want to give up. I feel so weak, but I have to keep telling myself that no matter how bad I feel, I am stronger than this. And you are too.

[SparkySmart]

[QUOTE=tsrc78;5918668]I really don't remember what my emotional state was last week, but it got bad enough that my husband felt the need to take me to the ER. I was a mess by then. I couldn't take the constant mood swings everyday, it was wearing me down, and I wanted to just go away. And I did go away...to the same short term IP hospital I'd been to twice before, that I hated, that I swore I would never go back to, but that was the only option at the time. I was admitted late Friday night

...I have to pray I hold it together until my Duke appointment on December 18.

Wondering how your 12/18 appointment went!!!