[HALLIEBETH87]

I'm horribly ashamed by how many times I've been
Ip. Five times just since 2016. Three times in 2017 alone.
It wasn't always for psychosis. It's mostly been depression
And suicidal thinking.

I think I've been ip about 16 times in 14 years. Isn't that
Awful? No wonder my sister says I'm attention seeking!
I'm not but she says I am. I feel like a failure for my recent
Ip stay.

[99fairies]

My first hospital stay was 6 years ago and I have been IP 26 times since then. Don't feel bad, the hospital is there to help us when we can't help ourselves anymore.

Your sister is being insensitive. There is nothing to be ashamed of! It's possible that if you didn't go inpatient that you wouldn't be here. We lost my nephew to this horrible disorder last June. He got out of the hospital after only 3.5 days about a week before he died. He should have been there longer.

I've had 10 hospitalizations in a 3.5 year period.

16 times in 14 years? No, that's not awful at all. That means 16 times you weren't safe and 16 times you got the help you needed.

I don't think you're attention seeking by going to IP. I don't think anyone is unless they're faking things and fishing for sympathy.

Why do you feel like a failure?

You have nothing to be ashamed of for taking care of yourself. Calling you attention seeking is just an ignorant statement from someone who doesn't get it. There is a reason hospitals have a place for the mentally I'll, sometimes we need to be there.

Look at it this way: if I wrote your post, what would you say to me? Would you think I was a failure?

[HALLIEBETH87]

I feel like a failure for not being able to control my feelings and thoughts. I know that's not rational but it's how I feel. I'm ip at least once or twice a year. Three times in 2017! Now that I get psychosis it seems I get sick more often. I managed not to go ip in November during a psychotic episode. I was so proud of myself. Then I started getting mildly depressed in December and it turned into an ugly mixed episode which then turned into suicidal depression. I couldn't stop crying and even started self harming again.

[Victoria'smom]

You are doing the best you can and using the hospital when you need it.

[HALLIEBETH87]

It's also sucks how much money I owe them. -sigh-

My first night ip all I did was pace and worry and cry.

If we could "control our feelings and thoughts" we wouldn't be mentally ill, and wouldn't need medications and/or therapy. We are here because we have an illness. People who make nasty statements about the mentally ill stigmatize mental illness. That's no less of a prejudice than other kinds. Don't let yourself feel bad because of other people's ignorance, stigma or prejudice. It's a shame when you hear it from your own family, but that's not that uncommon.

[HALLIEBETH87]

I don't have a very strong support from my family. Mostly my aunt.

[~Christina]

You do have a lack of family support which does indeed cause you much distress.

As mentioned you have helped “ yourself” going IP.
I have lost track of times IP. I think if it no differently when I have needed to be in the hospital for medical issues.

Try to be kind to yourself and just make small monthly payments. Bills will never go away. I owe everyone but I’m grateful I am still alive and have the option of IP when I need it.

*** hugs***

[HALLIEBETH87]

it did help that my nurse and ip therapist said i did the right thing by coming. they said i needed to come.

[wildflowerchild25]

I feel terrible for the amount of times I’ve been IP, but I’d say roughly half of mine weren’t needed and that’s why I feel so terrible. I could have been safe if I wanted to, I just didn’t want to, I wanted a rest, so I convinced people I wasn’t going to be safe when I knew I would never do anything permanent. I feel god damn awful about that.

I felt terribly, terribly guilty about my past IP stay (in November) but I honestly wasn’t sure I wouldn’t turn on myself, I felt like my brain was spilt in two and battling me, trying to kill me. I couldn’t take it. I do feel like that one was necessary, but I felt so bad about leaving my son with my mother. She really couldn’t handle him. If I ever have to go in again I’m gonna try to get my brother to take him.

[Pookyl]

Your sister sounds like a piece of work. I was in hospital x2 in 2017 - a total of two months.
I’m just about to go into hospital for a month to trial TMS. After that I will be in hospital once a month for a long weekend.

[hopeless2015]

Please sib5 feel bad. You have to do what's best for you. I've been several times in the ladtb3 years it was necessary. You have to take care yourself l, never heel bad about that

[scatterbrained04]

If you need IP, then there is no shame in going. That's what it's there for.

Other people often have no idea how bad it gets. Try not to let their negative comments get to you.

[Nola0250]

Originally Posted by HALLIEBETH87

I'm horribly ashamed by how many times I've been
Ip. Five times just since 2016. Three times in 2017 alone.
It wasn't always for psychosis. It's mostly been depression
And suicidal thinking.

I think I've been ip about 16 times in 14 years. Isn't that
Awful? No wonder my sister says I'm attention seeking!
I'm not but she says I am. I feel like a failure for my recent
Ip stay.

The hospital is there for when you need it. It's not your fault for having BP, depression/psychosis. It's pure luck that you have this cross to bear and your sister does not. I don't think anyone who hasn't been there can really understand. I just have BP II and no psychosis, and I think I understand better than a lot of people since I've been close to 2 people who have had multiple psychotic episodes and have to be hospitalized a fair amount, but I am sure I can't really truly understand what that feels like either. It can feel very lonely when you don't feel understood, but there are lots of people on this forum who truly get it.

I definitely understand how you can feel like a failure for not being able to control your own brain. I know I feel like that a lot. It's really hard to understand that we don't control our brains - they control us! People who are not "ill" have an even harder time getting that because they don't have to fight what's going on in their heads the way we do. But this illness is biological. We do everything we can to manage and cope with lifestyle changes, medications, hospitalization when needed. It is GOOD that you have been hospitalized when you needed it. I'm sorry you've needed it, I know that sucks. But it makes you a success for addressing your illness, not a failure. Anyone who does not understand that is just wrong.

[HALLIEBETH87]

Thanks everyone

[99fairies]

If anyone should be ashamed for number of times gone IP, it should be me. But I'm not ashamed...maybe a little embarrassed, other than being honest with you guys, my husband is the only one who knows the actual number. But I have not been back for almost 2 years! You have a lot to be proud of, please don't feel bad.