[xRavenx]

I hope nobody minds that I need to vent and get this out of my system, because I'm just holding back, which isn't healthy for me....

As this year comes to a close, I am feeling more and more bad about myself and decisions that I have made. I've been cycling between mania, mixed mania, and depression. The manic part is causing me the most problems lately. I get reckless during those phases. When manic, I seem to lack the ability to not repeat mistakes or doing things that aren't good for me. I keep messing up and messing up over and over again. It's like being a slave to being in such a self-destructive cycle.

I don't know what can be done to stop this!! I know I have a little bit of insight, but it's not doing me any good at all. Ignorance is sometimes bliss, but the fact I know what I am doing isn't good, is messing with my head. It reinforces the fact that I lack control.

I feel I take things for granted, and that makes me feel like a person that is unworthy.My vices: alcohol, sex, poor financial decisions. I am left thinking about the aftermath or possible consequences of what is yet to come lately. I am my own worst enemy. My sleep is all messed up. I feel so unhealthy overall. Can anyone relate? How do you try to deal with it?

Medication wise, what has helped you the most when it comes to getting back on track when it comes to impulsivity/self-destructive side of mania??
I also hope I can stay away from alcohol the rest of this season. No good for my meds, especially if the pdoc is going to add something even more serious to all my meds now.

What about journaling?

When you get out of a manic episode, write down EVERYTHING you regret doing, and I mean EVERYTHING. Also write down how you felt as a result of these actions. It will hurt to write all of that, sure, but you can reference this journal entry in the future when you're manic. e.g., "I want to buy $500 worth of electronics!!! Oh wait. I did that before and look what that did to me. Then I felt depressed that I messed up."

[xRavenx]

Originally Posted by bluebicycle

What about journaling?

When you get out of a manic episode, write down EVERYTHING you regret doing, and I mean EVERYTHING. Also write down how you felt as a result of these actions. It will hurt to write all of that, sure, but you can reference this journal entry in the future when you're manic. e.g., "I want to buy $500 worth of electronics!!! Oh wait. I did that before and look what that did to me. Then I felt depressed that I messed up."

Thanks. I do have a journal on moodtracker.com, so that can be a good attempt to prevent future mistakes. At the same time, I am also trying to avoid

Possible trigger:

self-harm, both thoughts and actions, which is often a consequence of guilt.

, so I want to stop the (mixed) mania in its tracks, while stopping feelings of self-hatred that leads to even more self-destructing.

[tecomsin]

Thank you for posting this thread too xRavenx. I relate to a lot of what you have been posting recently but haven't had the clarity and the fortitude to post directly about it. I'm also sinking into a big swamp of regret and have been doing so since i left a maximum security forensic unit a few months ago. I've never had trouble with the law before and now am in lots of it, so lots to regret. I am really terrified by some of the things that I did and my lack of appreciation for how abnormal that was, how other people would see those actions and words, and what the consequences were likely to be. I had no appreciation for the consequences and now I am left to pick up the pieces of my lonely life. I don't even want company today... Christmas alone.

One thing about being imprisoned was that it shortened my focus to what I was going to do to get through the day, the today day, and as a result I actually felt ok because I wasn't worrying about the future, just about today. Of course I was still in the grips of a delusional belief system and as that belief system has fallen away I am now just a sick, sick person rather than the grandiose important focus of my delusions.

My sleep is also kind of messed up and ever since chemotherapy, and the neuropathy I got from that I have felt a kind of disconnect from my body so it is difficult to get moving when i am not manic.

I crave energy and clarity of thought and company I can trust and get along with. But I also spend most time alone and have very little tolerance for other people, it is just my cat and me today.

I think the best one can hope for is to try to live in the present and focus on making this moment the best it can be.

[xRavenx]

Originally Posted by tecomsin

Thank you for posting this thread too xRavenx. I relate to a lot of what you have been posting recently but haven't had the clarity and the fortitude to post directly about it. I'm also sinking into a big swamp of regret and have been doing so since i left a maximum security forensic unit a few months ago. I've never had trouble with the law before and now am in lots of it, so lots to regret. I am really terrified by some of the things that I did and my lack of appreciation for how abnormal that was, how other people would see those actions and words, and what the consequences were likely to be. I had no appreciation for the consequences and now I am left to pick up the pieces of my lonely life. I don't even want company today... Christmas alone.

One thing about being imprisoned was that it shortened my focus to what I was going to do to get through the day, the today day, and as a result I actually felt ok because I wasn't worrying about the future, just about today. Of course I was still in the grips of a delusional belief system and as that belief system has fallen away I am now just a sick, sick person rather than the grandiose important focus of my delusions.

My sleep is also kind of messed up and ever since chemotherapy, and the neuropathy I got from that I have felt a kind of disconnect from my body so it is difficult to get moving when i am not manic.

I crave energy and clarity of thought and company I can trust and get along with. But I also spend most time alone and have very little tolerance for other people, it is just my cat and me today.

I think the best one can hope for is to try to live in the present and focus on making this moment the best it can be.

Thanks for sharing your story. I really hope that you feel better. You've been through a lot of challenges. You're so right....it has to be day by day. I have been worrying too much about the future and get so stuck in the past. Finding that middle ground would be nice.

I guess we can only do our best each day. We did not sign up to have BP and are only human. I really hope your physical health improves as well. That's really challenging. I'm trying not to let BP cripple me and take action, while at the same time, trying to accept this illness and my limitations. This is very, very hard.

[tecomsin]

Hey xRavenx,

Yes, it is a hard line to draw and stick to.. and you are right, we didn't ask for bipolar disorder.

I mean it is almost preposterous to ask a person who by definition has a highly fluctuating view of the world and of themselves, and of everybody else in it... to ask that person to take a calibrated, constant and reasoned view of an illness which makes their world view inherently unstable to begin with.

Plus the experience of being ill is disorienting too. Just being ill is disorienting even if one does not do further harm by acting out in certain ways but

that is our lot.

I think this more general point is often missed in psychiatric literature because world view is such a general concept (a) and (b) psychiatry by definition focusses on symptoms of disease as listed in the DSM and not much more.

As far as I know there is no targeted therapy for bipolar disorder either, so there is nothing that deals explicitly with the large changes in world view between manic, depressed and other states. Then there is the possibility of psychosis on top of the erratic mood states. I don't think it takes much tendency for psychosis once a person becomes manic for reality to flip over and people start to see 'hidden truths'...

At least I can get a break from my psychotic thoughts. Today I am not in prison or jail nor in a hospital and the police are not banging at my door several times a day to take me away under a mental health act. I can say to some extent my paranoia and psychosis this time was driven to an absurd extent by the fact that I was harassed by police, but I will be the only person that gets any blame for this abject failure in mental health care...

society will be protected and I will be pushed closer and closer to the point where I'd have to go into assisted living. Right now I am living at home and hope to keep it that way for awhile. On the other hand the powers that be might have mercy on me and

not take away my license for not stopping for police on the highway... because by then i was petrified of the police and also in the midst of a psychosis, but it's a real possibility that I will lose my driver's license for an extended period of time for that.

I don't want your pity. I just want to share that hard part of coping with bipolar disorder (well it could be schizoaffective disorder) on christmas after a bad episode earlier in the year.

One thing I would really appreciate is if people think I am starting to lose it or go manic then they let me know what they think. One thing I have learned is that I've got to be open to this suggestion from other people.

I've also lost a lot of trust in other people, and am trying to find my way back so writing here helps.

Thanks for creating space to breath xRavenx