SI still. Losing my group with reality some

I thought I'd be able to get it out of my head afterwards, after Christmas. It is less frequent now, but much stronger than before. It's like my inner voice keeps saying, "the pain can't end here, not in this life. You'll endure worse the next time, if reincarnation is true. You'll feel nothing if there's nothing. You'll go to hell if the Bibles are true. At least you'll know what to expect and I (SI) won't be able to bother you as much because at least it will be all new problems, all new pain, all new hell, or nothing at all." It's very much real, my inner voice. It's like I'm trying to convince myself to do it, but I know I don't want to. I'm holding on the best I can. I won't go back in the hospital. I'd certainly kill myself there immediately. I don't have anyone to trust to talk this out in person. My therapist would guaranteed lock me up for these thoughts, as he's told me he will if he knows I'm a danger, but he's not in office until late next week anyway. I have an appointment next week too. I've lost all my friends because I'm too intense for anyone. I tell someone what I'm dealing with and for advice and it's like I can smell exhaust while they speed off at 100mph. Six people left as Facebook friends when I talked of my upset at the church traffic that must have passed the young man walking in freezing weather with wind chill far below in a hoodie and t-shirt over 20 miles and nobody picked him up until the last 5 miles, when I saw him. I was so angry at these so-called Christians that my "Christian" friends couldn't take it and left me. I didn't curse or condemn, I said that they really didn't get the whole idea of doing what's right and were more bent to being righteous and on the right time. I am grateful they did but it still hurts. I have no real world friends any more, none. I'm at the end of my rope but I was smart enough to tie a loop there last time, to put my foot in.
I did call a crisis line last night late and all they wanted to do was get an ambulance to pick me up, so I didn't tell them my location and used a mock one on my phone and routed my calls over IP to yet another area, because I know emergency personnel can get triangulation requests filled within 10 minutes if needed and deemed an emergency. I guess that means I'm being paranoid too. I cried in the gym today but not audibly so. I wanted to cover it up, so I made myself sweat until it also poured over my face and even into my eyes. That wasn't easy in a room at 62F. My yoga instructor knew things were bad and whispered to me "it will get better" but I replied "I don't think it can." I really just need a real hug and company. I know I don't deserve it and won't get it. I'm supposed to go to a dinner later but I really don't want to. I want to go to bed, actually still the floor, for the day, at 2 PM, and stay until tomorrow. I'm going to sit completely under my blanket for a while and sip tea for now.

I am so sorry you are hurting so bad and I'm sorry the people who are supposed to be there for you aren't. I'm worried about you. I know you don't want to go to the hospital, but I will say it anyways: that may be the best place for you right now. Please take care of yourself and when you feel alone, post here. Hugs.

I know the feelings you describe, but remember that we have bipolar. Moods will change eventually (like your instructor said, "It will get better"). Having written that, please know I'm not altogether clueless; I have been following your difficult path lately. I just hope you can get past this. I'm not invalidating your feelings; I've just been in situations similar to the ones you describe & I'm still here - depressed at present...but here.

I post here a lot because I not only feel, but am alone. Four people said they'd come see me yesterday, not even a call. Two I haven't heard from since the divorce, not even a call. I'm truly alone in the world, even in a room full of people

Find something anything to hang on to even if it's out of spite. I often do the opposite of what my head tells me to out of spite for this illness.

I'm trying very much to not do what it's saying to do, because I know I'm mixed up, messed up, effed up, and plain wrong to think and feel like this. It's like I'm two persons, but only that one is a mask. It's so weird. I've been flirting relentlessly with someone on FB today, but feeling like dying at the same time, because I know it's never to go beyond FB and couldn't handle the commitment anyway. It would probably be very much a shot at a healthy relationship, which I undoubtedly would screw up from the get go. She's an artist with bipolar too, making her soul very much tortured as well. I've dreamed of her several times before and it's all in very dark black and white with only the color silver visible and very prolific.
I'm not going to be able to have a relationship. I'm not good.
"I've made a mess of mine
And all those around
You think you're so damn cool
You're so damn cool
Don't think about it
Addiction
User or loser
Mind abuser
Don't think about it
Salvation
User or loser
Mind abuser"
Pigface "think (addiction/salvation mix)"
Hard to believe an IDM/trance/rock/metal/dance group could mean so much and yet be so clear about something so serious. This is a supergroup for partying, but their lyrics are almost always swinging and hitting like a champ. If Trent and ohgr3 are involved, it's going to be hard hitting

Bipolar always cycles .. thats the only thing the bytch does consistantly .. Its always going to , Nature of the beast

Feel better somehow

Yeah. I used to say when it gets low to wait for it to come around on the jukebox again. A lot of younger people have never seen one. Also, records get changed out. Therefore, it may not come back around. Analogy busted.
I do say it's an infinite playlist, with themed parts together in spots, but overall on random. I know I don't have control of it, but I can try to manage symptoms. I'm tired of symptoms like these. I almost want something to make me not feel anything and not want to, so I could be free of the lows forever. I almost am willing to sacrifice everything I could ever feel so I don't feel low. I know from past med experiences that it's likely I'd be stabilized say p-off or depressed. Those are the only two places where my mood never changed until the med did

I did very much enjoy the after-effects of donating blood today. I left there feeling light headed so I ran a little. I felt very very high in the cold air. I knew I shouldn't do that but it felt so great. I got too light and sat down for a few minutes. I started settling and got thirsty so I went back to my truck and drank some water and ate a granola bar. I set an alarm, turned on my heat and massage cushion and took a 15 minute nap under an afghan I keep in there. I woke up kind of cold and tired but before my alarm so I went back in and got some coffee just before they were throwing it out. I feel fine now but that light buzz was probably dangerous to walk on and much worse to run but it felt so good at the time. I won't do that again because I did have one rough headache when I had to sit down.