Gonna do my best

Staying boosted on caffeine and yerba mate and 5-htp for the next 34 hours, except to sleep. Pushing really hard. It's that or crumple up. Tomorrow would be my 20th anniversary, almost one year after the divorce. We did not speak or see each other on our anniversary last year, which wasn't a big difference from when we slept in the same room with a divider of pillows and blankets in the bed.
I'm not dealing with it properly, but at least I'm not drinking and truly don't want to. What I'm doing keeps me alert and able to think and move. I'll be going to the gym probably all day tomorrow. I do mean all day. I'll be there from 10 or hopefully before until I fall over or it closes at 10. I will take breaks but I've got to do something to fight the bad feelings from all those years of all that bad. Exercise makes me feel better than drinking does anyway.
I could just let it go.
I know that I could. I also know that I can be really weak emotionally sometimes. I'm feeling it now. Someone else's divorce-related post triggered me. I forget who posted it but it's not their fault in the least. It would happen today anyway. I was already thinking about it some.
I want to call her and tell her what a terrible person she is. I want to tell her how damaging she was. I want her to feel like she made me feel all that time. I don't want her to go over it, but I want her to see the edge of SI and it's fear and then the loss of fear, because that's where she put me over and over again, then pushed me past. I want her to see herself as she presented herself to me, a monster of proportions Leviathan would flee. I want her to try everything she can while nothing can possibly work. I want her to feel like everything is her fault. I want her to look in the mirror and say to herself, "everyone, including me, hates you."

I think I still have a lot of anger here. I want to lose it but I don't know if I'm ready yet.

I understand where your at.

Hugs friend. Venting is good. If you need to talk, you know where to find me. I think you are doing great.

I reread all that. I don't like that side of me. That kind and quantity of anger is unhealthy for anyone. Gah! Am I now the psychopath? Was I already?
"He is intensely, extremely, terribly, uncomfortable"
-- Skinny Puppy "Spasmolytic" from "Too Dark Park"

Psychopath? Hardly. I know one. Anger is not fun, but you need to work through it. Repression doesn't work. It takes time.

I didn't know I had all this anger until within the last several weeks. It bothers me to feel this way. It also makes me want to break something! I want to punch and kick, though not a person or animal. I feel truly violent but not toward any kind of organism.

Boxing? Really beat the snot out of a punching bag?

I don't know you, but have been reading a bit here- not nearly enough to get to know all of you yet.

But still, just wanted to say that I really hope your day isn't too awful tonight/tomorrow.
It is better to cope in a semi-healthy way, than not at all. Going to the gym is better than drinking, you seem like a strong person.

There is a "Core de Force" class tonight but I'd have to miss yoga. There's also one tomorrow before yoga. It's a lot of kicking and punching air. The most physically violent I've ever felt. I quit taking it before because of the violence. I am going to a class again soon for sure.

From what I've read, you are, on some level, seeking enlightenment. You mention this now and then. Within this seeking process, you will have "light" shed upon the "darkest corners" and you will "see more." You will decide whether or not to deal with your own "darker side," and if so, you will be deciding just how to do so.
This is just a part of the overall process.

I think you are on the right track.

Love and Light!

WC

A. Enlightenment.
B. Endarkenment.
Hint, there is no C?

Maybe the C stands for/is "Compassion?"
Self-Compassion and Compassion for others.

The path toward "Enlightenment" is not all bliss. Our realizations don't always please us. Much stuff comes up (for healing) as we remain on the path. Self-compassion is critical.

Thich Nhat Hanh has a book on Anger. I highly recommend it.

You are doing well!

WC

It's a Ray Wylie Hubbard song. Music is so integral to me in so many ways. So much of my life has a song I've heard that fits immediately. Unfortunately, a lot of Skinny Puppy goes perfectly...

I used to have this. Every year I wrote all my anger out, and burn or shred the paper. Sometimes I took it to the river and watched all the pieces float away until I couldn't see them anymore. I even brought it to therapy. I finally got tired of that jerk taking up space in my head. I went on and met my current husband about a year later.

Don't do too much physical stuff. The last thing you need is being sore *and* angry.

Too late. I'm always overdoing it. I'm at 6 hours exercise time for the week now, starting Sunday. I don't stop. I'm at the gym now actually, treadmill immediately after elliptical

That's up to 8.5 now. Rawr

They, my parents, didn't wake me, and neither did my alarm. They've left me alone. Not great idea today, but it means I can go to the gym now and not after mom's therapy or this evening. I can go all day if I want this way. Maybe it is a good thing. There's yoga at 11ish in the middle closest gym and 6:30 in the furthest one, 16ish miles from the first. I'll bring snacks. Occupy myself with the library in-between and it's a potentially good day.
Gonna have some coffee first and Thermos some for later.

Yes, the library is always a good place to go!

Hope you have a better day!

Survived it well. Didn't have 10 minutes of verbal conversation all day but did have 7 hours of physical activities in the two gyms I went to. I'll probably feel that tomorrow.
I made it! Gonna shower again now.
The unniversary is over!
Thanks to all those that helped me through. You know who you are and you're all special people for helping me!