[LadyShadow]

Hey everyone.

So I went to meet a friend of mine that I hadn't seen in years. It was amazing to see her again, especially after all we went through together in our bipolar journeys, even the times when we were apart.

The crazy thing is, and it almost feels sad to the both of us, is we are not the same women we were when we met in the psych ward 11 years ago. I mean its a good thing that we are both healthy and stable, but at what cost?

What I mean is, for both of us, the real mania that we had experienced over the years, that made us charismatic, carefree, intelligent, confident and proud, is totally gone, leaving a hole in us which feels like we both completely lost a part of ourselves. I mean life without the crazy mania is healthy, I know this, but we both hate that we don't FEEL anything anymore, because we are so numbed by medication.

I don't know, even though it was depressing to sit there and say how empty we both felt, I guess it was nice to at least share that camaraderie with someone else, IN PERSON, and not just online.

I guess in the end I should count my blessings and just get over it. But damn it sucks sometimes to have lost so much.

[Guiness187055]

I so know how you feel. I feel like I am a shell of myself without the mania or at least hypo mania. Now I just exist.

[tecomsin]

Thank you for sharing LadyShadow. Part of what is so demoralizing for me when not manic is to realize that the pride, exuberance, action, focus etc. of the manias were all a sham.

[LadyShadow]

Originally Posted by Guiness187055

I so know how you feel. I feel like I am a shell of myself without the mania or at least hypo mania. Now I just exist.

Oh, trust me I know all too well, and so does my friend. It's amazing isn't it? We are medicated because it's for our own good, but look what it ends up costing us. I don't know, this almost feels like this is no way to exist.

Originally Posted by tecomsin

Thank you for sharing LadyShadow. Part of what is so demoralizing for me when not manic is to realize that the pride, exuberance, action, focus etc. of the manias were all a sham.

I don't think it was a sham really tecomsin. I think it is just something that isn't there anymore. You are STILL that person with all those qualities, just numbed down from what you used to be. Don't feel too bad though, you are not alone in this.

[DesigningWoman]

Hm. I see what you are saying. However no one is the same 11 years later. Growing older changes us, mind, body, and spirit. Meds and mental illness changed me more maybe. But I don't know for sure.

I feel I’m just existing to take care of my adult daughter in college.

It’s unsettling to see that my employer likes me better drugged. I guess everyone does.

[~Christina]

My Mania always turns ugly so fast that I hate when it arrives and do everything to stop it.

I have learned to strive for contentment. I’m funny and confident and interesting despite bipolar.

As much as bipolar can take from us it also gives us gifts of offering others a real listening ear and a much larger empathy for others I believe.

[Victoria'smom]

I feel like a shell of a person with my AP. I hardly talk, sleep to much, eat to much and I can't stand being around myself.

This post hits me hard. I actually unloaded on my therapist yesterday that I don't know who I will be if I treat the BPD and medicate the bipolar/anxiety. Who will remain. Am I me if you take this stuff away. My heads a mess, but I can sympathize with how you feel. Medicated I am different. It doesn't always feel like a win, even if its necessary.

[tecomsin]

Originally Posted by LadyShadow

I don't think it was a sham really tecomsin. I think it is just something that isn't there anymore. You are STILL that person with all those qualities, just numbed down from what you used to be. Don't feel too bad though, you are not alone in this.

Thank you for your encouragement. I left out the part about the delusions on which my exuberance, pride, confidence etc was based. That's the part that was a sham... You're right in that it helps to know there are others going throw a similar patch. Sometimes I also feel like I am just existing to take care of my cat (we are off to a vet who just does cats soon for a second opinion) and my recently graduated son who chipped his teeth in a bar named "Sublime" (I hope it turns out to be a great learning experience in the long run). I have a meager life otherwise and am tired all of the time except a short period in the late afternoon/early evening when I perk up a bit.

[Row Jimmy]

The upside is things are a blank slate now and you can redefine yourself. But you *have to* take the initiative to redefine. Since my diagnosis about three years ago, I cast away all my dingus friends, I picked up mountain climbing, I cook much more, I fish more, and my hair is almost below my ears. Compare this to the "pre BP" me - charismatic but often fueled by drugs or booze, nothing interesting, pinned down by all sorts of excuses, and assimilated into society like so many other zombie-lemmings. Now I'm different and I just do whatever the hell I want. A nice element of being a "me first" person is that I'm always trying to get better. Before, I'd sacrifice myself for other worthless pursuits.