She's probably never coming home

My grandma is probably never coming home from the hospital. I found this out a few hours ago.

I feel guilty for bringing her there a week and a half ago. I wanted her to get the help she needed, but I didn't know she'd never come home again. I would have done things a lot differently if I had known... I had only brought her there because it was convenient and because I wanted her to get help right away for her psychosis, even though I could have technically waited until the next morning to bring her to the dr.

Nope. Hospital wants her to go into a nursing home and they are holding onto her. I know she's in good hands, but I can't shake off the guilty feelings. I mean, she doesn't know any better. She doesn't understand what's going on, where she is, and what the rest of her life will look like. Like, she willingly went with me to the hospital, knowing she could fully trust me, and now look what happened. And she keeps asking when she's going to "go home with us".

I'm sorry try not to beat yourself up. You did what you thought was best. This maybe a good thing for her and your family. You've all suffered so much. I know some nursing homes give day passes so maybe she can visit.

Perhaps she will feel more comfortable in a nursing home setting. My mother did. And yes, you were only doing what you thought was best.

You did the best thing for her. The rest of the decisions are on the people deciding the next steps, whether that be doctors, social workers, whomever. Those decisions are neither your responsibility nor your expertise. You did the best for her. They are doing the best for her. Don’t beat yourself up over it.

Blue your feelings are common.
I am sorry it is so hard.
She will get the care of a staff of people to care for her. That is what she needs, in my opinion.
This will be a big adjustment for her and for you.
Rest assured that she is in a safe place, and should be cared for.
They will ensure that her daily needs are met.
YOur family has been through the wringer.
She knows that you love her and that is what matters.
It is probably best to not take her out of there on passes for a long time,
she needs to settle in and get used to her new home.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

You did nothing wrong. If she didn't need a different facility, they wouldn't be taking her there. Nothing is your fault but wanting to help your grandmother. You're a good grandchild for doing that. I'm proud of you for making that tough decision.

You did the right thing. She has deteriorated, right? You would feel worse if she ended up getting hurt because you tried to handle something unmanageable.

Don’t feel bad

If your grandmother is to go from hospital to nursing home is it because of medical or mental issues? Who will decide which nursing home will become her new residence?

No, you’re not at all to blame for the decisions of others. I think that someone in your family would be able to select the nursing home? And I think that a family member should tell your gran that she won’t be going home with family members but rather into a ‘new home’ where she will receive the care that she needs.

There are many websites that can help you select the very best nursing home in your area. If you’re in the U.S., most states have departments that make quarterly or annual ‘surprise’ visits to nursing homes and make public any deficiencies that they find.

I was in a horrible nursing home for eight-years. I don’t believe that all nursing homes are bad but I think that it’s wise to try to find the very best in your area. Many, if not all, homes have a salesperson, of sorts. Or the social workers do the grand tours. You should always insist on talking to the administrator and ask to see the latest State report (I don’t recall the name of these documents - sometimes they will be in a binder in the lobby).

You took your grandmother to a hospital for a reason and the professionals directing her to a nursing home made the decision for a reason. I’m just suggesting that it may be reasonable to insist on having a say in selecting her new home.

Peace out.

I would feel very similar feelings, Blue.
Your grandmother maybe needs more than you and your family can give her at this time in her life? Especially 24/7.

My heart goes out to both you and your grandmother.

WC

Big hugs. Sometimes the best decisions are also the hardest.

You needed to get her some help, taking her to the hospital was a good thing to do. If they are suggesting that she needs a nursing home that means they believe that will give her the best care.

It's hard and I understand why you are feeling bad but you made a tough decision to help her and its important to try and hold on to the fact that you are helping her

I hope so.

I just don't know if they'd let her leave for a little bit -- probably not -- but her passion is cooking and I was going to bring her home from the hospital to let her cook a meal for all of us, but that's when my parents said, "No, she's very likely never coming home again." I had no idea that that's what would happen by bringing her there.

Even though she has dementia and isn't always "there", I used to do simple things with her. For example, making a pizza or making pancakes. (Basically anything that didn't involve knives or sharp objects.) It made her extremely happy that she was able to "cook", and that's all she ever wanted to do. And one of her "dreams" was to be able to cook a full meal for us (since she's never done that before). Now she can't do that -- ever.

You're probably going to have to find new things she can do. Crafts?

The doctor at the hospital has said he was impressed that we made it this far with her (given everything we've been through), but that "it's now time to give her 24/7 professional care".

I know the hospital is a great place for her and that she'll be okay in the end, but it's sad because she doesn't know any better. She thinks it's all temporary. She will probably ultimately figure out what's going on and be very, very depressed.

The hospital said she has "dementia with behavioral problems" and that the behavioral problems are related to "manic highs" or something like that. I don't know because I've never known anyone in my family to have bipolar, so it is a shock to me.

She likes arts and crafts, yeah.

She's mentally about the age of a 3 year old, so she likes crafts, but doesn't know how to do them. We have to work through them with her.

She can't do puzzles or anything if she's left alone, so she just sits there staring at walls. And she speaks to everyone in Spanish because she assumes that everyone speaks Spanish. (She doesn't know any better. She thinks everyone in the U.S. speaks Spanish.) So no one responds to her since they don't know what she's saying or asking. So basically she doesn't talk to anyone either. That's what's upsetting to me. I mean, what can she do when we're not there...

You're in the States? Is it possible that staff there speak Spanish? I find that frequently the case a lot of places. I'm not trying to be offensive, but try the cleaning crew, kitchen, and maintenance department. Every place that contracts out around here has a lot of Hispanics, one is the weekend crew at one of my gyms and I love her dearly. We walk and try to understand each other and sometimes Google translate helps and others we just walk. We started hugging sometimes even. She's so cute

The hospital she's at has hispanic nurses. Well, they only have 1 hispanic nurse per shift. They assign that person to my grandma because she just won't speak English. All the other nurses just smile and nod their heads because they've given up on trying to get her to speak English. (She is 100% fluent in English and they know it.)

I don't know if specific nursing homes here have hispanic nurses. Maybe, maybe not.

I've never seen her speak to cleaning, kitchen, etc crews.. I don't know why. I think she's a little shy. She seems to prefer people initiating conversations with her first. And my Spanish isn't good enough to encourage a conversation with those people.

Maybe you can do this with her if/when she gets an eventual day pass?


WC

Maybe you can do activities there with her? A lot of places do have activities and welcome nee encourage visitors to help

Nursing homes, especially dementia units, usually do cooking activities because it is a good way to center the patients and do something really enjoyable and which engages all 5 senses. Some places will have a way for you to cook with her as well.

Was English her 2nd language? Often people lose languages learned later in life and resort to the first one. My first job was in a place with a lot of Greek immigrants and I had to learn some Greek phrases to survive. A later job meant learning Pennsylvania Dutch as I had a good number of Amish patients.

I'm sorry you are going through this. It's never easy but it just sometimes is the best and safest thing to do.