[Cornucopia]

Filling out forms, been laying in my drawer for weeks.
Filling them out feels like there is no turning back. I believed I was ready to do this, but somehow I get a bit emotional at the same time. Which I rarely get.

Suddenly «Fix you» with Coldplay comes into my Spotify while filling out the forms and it makes me feel emotional listening to it.

It’s time. I’m done fixing myself on my own. Done spending all my intellect and energy controling this ****. My ups have been more than my downs, and for many years a great advantage. But. The last two years my ups have become psychotic and mixed- one lasted for several weeks, until I was hospitalized unvoluntarily. (I refused to talk to anyone, nor let them diagnose me)
And my downs have been more often, still not severe since I lack most emotions in that direction. I just get really empty on energy and extremely introverted.

I am sad, because it feels like I am giving up. And I am afraid I will never experience those good ups, the ones that actually works in my work-life, the ones that makes me actually deliver results beyond what is expected.

I still need to do it, I have family- and I am afraid what can happen if this new strength in this is not temporary, so I need to do this. Let the professionals be the judge of my condition and how to keep me stable.

I’ve done what I can to control this, it’s just getting stronger than I can handle on my own.
Part of me is feeling relief, like- I just want to relax for a moment, not struggling keeping myself together and balanced alone all the time. I’m exhausted. Had lots of fun, though. But yeah, exhausting.

Lol, and still. Even now, even after full blown mania- I still have this voice- «meh, maybe you’re not bipolar- they are just trying to fence you in» …

No questions, just wanted to share. I don’t know. Just doubting. Will I regret this. Feels like admitting it will make me worse, like if I let go it will outgrow me even more. Feels like I am keeping a lid on it, and it will explode in my face if I let someone open that lid and take a look inside.

[bizi]

Get a therapist to talk to. nobody said you have to jump into meds. use talk therapy to get a handle about what your needs are...maybe you can do this with talk therapy?
bizi

[Wild Coyote]

Thanks for sharing some of your innermost thoughts during your process of coming to terms with BP.

You write very well and some of your thoughts brought me back to when I was first being diagnosed and treated by a pdoc, along with how I'd felt about it. Like you, I'd needed the help; yet, wondered what it would bring about in my life.

You are courageous to take this step, to ask for help. I also think you are very wise to seek an intervention before BP rears its head and forces things upon you. At least now you have some choices.

Thanks again for sharing!


WC

[tecomsin]

I want to second everything WC wrote. It can be helpful just to get your thoughts written down. It is a tough stage to go through and there is no way to sugarcoat it. Just know that some do a lot better than others and it doesn't have to necessarily wreck your life as you know it.

[Cornucopia]

I like my manic monster when we play nicely together, but it has been worse/stronger the latest years. And mixed is awful.

Thanks, yes- I will get a therapist. I will try that, but only time will tell how this develop, and I am trying to accept that the illness might have ‘evolved’ too much to handle without medication. Or maybe not.

And as WC says, it is better to take action before it gets out of hands again.

Thanks, you are a lovely bunch of people in here

Be honest with yourself.