[tsrc78]

I have a bag packed, getting food together, I am ready to just leave my family. I have gotten upset and overwhelmed today, both earlier today and this evening. My husband spends so much time in our room listening to music, i’m sure he’s just tired of dealing with me. I don’t know what has been wrong with me. I let something like the printer not working to print out pictures for my daughter send me into a psychotic break. I don’t even exactly remember much, other than I was shaking and trying not to talk to anyone, for fear of blowing up with anger. I already got overwhelmed and depressed earlier while dealing with a lot of issues involving bills.

I just cannot take this, I have to leave. I am depressed because the one person I thought I could go to, who I knew would accept me back, was not interested in me staying with him. Because of the situation when we met, when I was manic, it would not have been good, but he had a connection to me and I thought I could exploit it. Didn’t work, because now he was looking for something deeper than I could provide. A committed relationship, and he knew he couldn’t get it from me, didn’t want to be responsible for breaking up my marriage. And that depressed me. I don’t care that much about him, but tried to convince him I did. I feel terrible, but I just wanted somewhere to go.

I would leave, but we only have one car, and I feel guilty about leaving my husband and kids without a car. That is the ONLY reason I hesitate leaving, if our SUV was running, I would not hesitate walking out that door! Bad, I know. I did decide I would drive to Duke Regional Hospital, an hour and a half away, only because my new patient appointment is at Duke next Wednesday. I just don’t think I can wait that long. And I WILL NOT go back to the useless hospital here.

I’m a bit better now. But still shaking, I feel paranoid, and like I am seeing things. Still crying. But tired. I need to sleep, I will sleep. I just don’t know what to do after my nap. I’m so frustrated. I want to leave. But I feel guilty about the car. But I’m annoyed about feeling bad about the car. I’m tired of worrying about everyone else, i just want to be alone.

I’ll figure something out after my nap. I don’t sleep very well, so I know I’ll be up in time to leave if needed. I’m just so torn.

[dshantel]

I can't offer you much other than I feel your pain coming from being in a similar situation currently. If I could hug you right now, I would. (((HUG)))

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by tsrc78

I have a bag packed, getting food together, I am ready to just leave my family. I have gotten upset and overwhelmed today, both earlier today and this evening. My husband spends so much time in our room listening to music, i’m sure he’s just tired of dealing with me. I don’t know what has been wrong with me. I let something like the printer not working to print out pictures for my daughter send me into a psychotic break. I don’t even exactly remember much, other than I was shaking and trying not to talk to anyone, for fear of blowing up with anger. I already got overwhelmed and depressed earlier while dealing with a lot of issues involving bills.

I just cannot take this, I have to leave. I am depressed because the one person I thought I could go to, who I knew would accept me back, was not interested in me staying with him. Because of the situation when we met, when I was manic, it would not have been good, but he had a connection to me and I thought I could exploit it. Didn’t work, because now he was looking for something deeper than I could provide. A committed relationship, and he knew he couldn’t get it from me, didn’t want to be responsible for breaking up my marriage. And that depressed me. I don’t care that much about him, but tried to convince him I did. I feel terrible, but I just wanted somewhere to go.

I would leave, but we only have one car, and I feel guilty about leaving my husband and kids without a car. That is the ONLY reason I hesitate leaving, if our SUV was running, I would not hesitate walking out that door! Bad, I know. I did decide I would drive to Duke Regional Hospital, an hour and a half away, only because my new patient appointment is at Duke next Wednesday. I just don’t think I can wait that long. And I WILL NOT go back to the useless hospital here.

I’m a bit better now. But still shaking, I feel paranoid, and like I am seeing things. Still crying. But tired. I need to sleep, I will sleep. I just don’t know what to do after my nap. I’m so frustrated. I want to leave. But I feel guilty about the car. But I’m annoyed about feeling bad about the car. I’m tired of worrying about everyone else, i just want to be alone.

I’ll figure something out after my nap. I don’t sleep very well, so I know I’ll be up in time to leave if needed. I’m just so torn.

Is there any chance you can wait (at home) for your intake at Duke?

If not, is there any other place you can go? Maybe stay with a friend, a sibling, other?

Are you leaving in the middle of the night because your family will object to your leaving? Do you want to destroy trust with them by leaving while they sleep? I think they will be devastated.

Is there another way to get a healthy break if you need one?

Above all, please stay safe.

Concerned about you.


WC

[tsrc78]

I can’t go now, I slept too late. I know my family doesn’t want me to leave. My husband and my kids love me. And I love them. But I can’t handle simple stressors in my life, they sent me over the edge. And having to take care of myself kids, support our family financially, and having a husband who thinks he is doing everything but really does very little, I can’t handle it. They are all stressors. I love them, I know my husband tries to support me emotionally, but when I get into states like this he can’t help me. And gets offended when I won’t talk to him. He wants me to talk about everything, like there is a reason I’m upset, the reason is I’m just sick. He tells me to calm down, like that’s gong to make anything better. Sometimes I feel like he “gets” my illness, but lately he just has no clue.

I can’t leave, I couldn’t handle the guilt of taking the car and my kids not having a way to get to school. But my husband always goes to sleep after he drops them off, I could text my mom to pick the girls up and leave, drive to hospital in Durham. I have nowhere else to go. The girls can stay with my mother for awhile. They did when I was last hospitalized, because my husband claimed h3 wanted to get the house cleaned without them there. The reality is he had no idea how to parent without me, he better learn, our kids will not stay with my mom indefinitely. What a cop out. The house wasn’t even that clean five days later. And can’t believe my other plan didn’t work. I don’t know anymore.

I’d rather drive myself on my own, then just have my husband come and pick the car up later. But I don’t want him to visit me. It’s too long of a drive. And I really want to be left alone. It’s the only place I can think of to go. Don’t think I could handle a car ride with him there, but i’ll Tell him where I am later. Not my ideal plan, but at least it gets me away from here, just wish it could be longer.

Keeping up with a husband and three children are not simple stresses--dealing with four personalities and their schedules (and some of your husband's behaviors stress you out--it is not unusual for many husbands to leave most of the household chores to their wife and it is not right if you are also working) is not an easy task. Do you think you are having an episode that will run it's course if you can manage to not a make any terrible, impulsive decisions that make your situation worse? Do you have a therapist you can talk to? We can start ruminating about all the things that are wrong (I have been there) and all the thinking makes it seem worse (not that it isn't a bad situation). Whenever you want to do something like run away--either sleep on it or plan it for a future date so you have time to really think about whether it is right or wrong and get feedback from others. I agree with Wild Coyote that you may not feel right about leaving your family while you sleep because it will hurt/traumatize them. That might create guilt later that will make you feel depressed.

[tsrc78]

Originally Posted by Hopingtrying

Keeping up with a husband and three children are not simple stresses--dealing with four personalities and their schedules (and some of your husband's behaviors stress you out--it is not unusual for many husbands to leave most of the household chores to their wife and it is not right if you are also working) is not an easy task. Do you think you are having an episode that will run it's course if you can manage to not a make any terrible, impulsive decisions that make your situation worse? Do you have a therapist you can talk to? We can start ruminating about all the things that are wrong (I have been there) and all the thinking makes it seem worse (not that it isn't a bad situation). Whenever you want to do something like run away--either sleep on it or plan it for a future date so you have time to really think about whether it is right or wrong and get feedback from others. I agree with Wild Coyote that you may not feel right about leaving your family while you sleep because it will hurt/traumatize them. That might create guilt later that will make you feel depressed.

Thanks for that. I don’t work, i’m receiving disability from my former state employment. Which means I’m around my husband all the time. I used to be the only person working though, I’ve always been the only person with a full time job. For 16 years. He’s worked part time some. I just can’t believe my family is only supported by me being sick. Once my SSDI comes through, they can all get benefits, so they won’t need me to stay around financially anymore. I doubt I can talk to my therapist without an appointment, knowing the front desk staff there.

Now my husband says he is not feeling well, so I have to take my girls to school. This is not good. Like I’m feeling up to that. It just gives me a chance to leave.

I will try not to though. I will try to come back home. I just don’t know how long I can stay. It is so hard. I just wish there was a cheap way to get to Durham.

When our SOs do not have steady employment--that in and of itself is a significant stressor and when you have more money it is easier to do little things to get away (for me it was taking a yoga class). I am on disability and have a part time job (only 5-20 hours a week). My husband has been unemployed for a year and a half so I understand a little bit about needing a break but having to work through things without it. My dad was nice enough to fly me home last month but I did not see my family (dad, brother, sister) during 2017. During most of my marriage (30 years)--I have hardly seen them and only visited during Christmas/Thanksgiving only 2 or 3 times during our entire marriage.

I hope your husband can eventually figure out how to provide more support for the family financially. Intentional or not, he is falling down on the job. He will not have the respect he craves from you and your children if he cannot eventually achieve more. That he has not demonstrated his love by contributing more to the household is likely one of the reasons you wonder "Should I Stay or Go". If you think you should go--you need to plan it out.

Where would you go if you were to leave?

[tsrc78]

I tried calling my therapist to see if I could just briefly talk to her, but she doesn’t “do that” which is kinda what I expected. I’m surprised anyone’s therapist would talk to them without an appointment. I don’t have the copay for that crap. Especially since I found a train ticket going from here to Durham today for $47. But if I wait until tomorrow it would be $29.50. I would love to go today, but we really can’t spare too much money. At least this would keep the car here. I may look at bus tickets. This is just to get me to the hospital, though I would bring a small suitcase. Maybe I just need to wait. Maybe my husband might even be ok with it if I told him. But I doubt it. Sigh.

[Victoria'smom]

Do what's best for you. If it's hospital do that but what will you do if they deny you? What will you do then? will you get stuck?

[tsrc78]

To update:

I ended up telling my husband about how I planned to leave and take a train to the hospital. He was kinda ok with it, although he did say he would have been really upset if I had left and not told him. I debated the train thing, because our car badly needs a front wheel alignment, and I know that can mess up the tires, especially on the high speeds of the highway. But I asked if he would take me because, and I was completely honest with him, I can’t really guarantee I’d actually go to the hospital when I arrived in Durham. That’s all I said to him. And it is completely true. After a couple of hours on the train, I know it would relax me, I’d arrive thinking I was just fine, and see this as my escape to disappear. Have no idea what I’d do, but lately I don’t care what happens to me, I’d figure something out. Fortunately I had enough clarity of thought to realize this and ask him to drive me, even though I was terrified of him driving this car.

I was anxious and paranoid as hell in that car, and finally asked my husband to turn around and go back home, I didn’t like the way it felt. He refused and kept driving. Sure enough, about 35 minutes into our journey, one of the tires blew out. AAA came and put on a spare, but thought it wouldn’t be safe driving it back home on a 70 mph highway, when the spare was only good up to 50 mph. So he gave us the name of some used tire places in the area. The one we found only had a new tire. Ok, fine. But I asked if they would do a wheel alignment too, because I was terrified of being in the car again with it shaking the way it was. So they did it, we drove the car back home and my husband said it drove SO much better. Unfortunately, even with the good deal, it drained half of the money we had left for the next two and a half weeks . But worth it, I hope, for the peace of mind.

After all that I never made it to the hospital. But I don’t feel quite as in crisis mode as I was before either. I don’t feel “well”, but I’m hoping if I have a breakdown, it can wait until I see the psychiatrist at Duke next Wednesday. My husband asked, how can you schedule a breakdown? I said, the breakdown part is easy, I am always at the verge of a breakdown. The hard part is trying to pretend like I am ok. If I let all my feelings out, let my thoughts consume me, I WILL breakdown. I just don’t know if I’ll be able to hang on until Wednesday. I very well may need to go to the hospital before then, probably will, I’ll just have to see. But at least now the car is fixed, so I will be much less anxious and paranoid about it. I have been extremely paranoid lately, about everything. I have a feeling I will need to go back on an antipsychotic.

My mom picked the girls up from school, so I took a Klonopin and I’m going to try to rest before she brings them over here. My husband tells me I need to de-stress, find a way to relax, but it is very hard, I almost don’t know how to. So we’ll see how I am over the next few days. Thanks for all the kind words.