Shame is a powerful motivator

As I am preparing to go to the lab in my city to get my blood work done for my psychiatrist I am realizing just how deeply my mother has damaged me.

Back when I was "dating" my ex husband, he did not have health insurance. He was not a suitable candidate for marriage for this reason but nobody cared about me so nobody stopped me from marrying him.

Fast forward today and I finally have an employer that provides health insurance and the deductible is really high. I chose this health plan because my daughter's pediatrician was in their network however my psychiatrist is not so I am having to pay out of pocket to see him.

I still have medicare due to my disability, but my psychiatrist stopped accepting medicare years ago which is why I stopped seeing him and started going to agencies and clinics. I'm really having to sit squarely with the damage my mother's shame has done to me. The whole time I was off work from my ptsd my mother shamed me, disavowing the existence of my ptsd. Now that I've gone back to work its my bipolar that is staring me square in the face. I'm not telling my mother about my bipolar, not telling her I'm going off my medication so I can live drug free, not telling her that now I am paying out of pocket to reach my deductible because of the damage her shame did to me.

I still feel a very high level of anger towards her but as she is close to 70 years it is pointless. I will never be acknowledged by her in the way that I need to be.

If I could just call it for it what it is: delusion, I could feel so much better. My mother is still under the delusion that I was on welfare the whole time I was disabled. I can't stop making her be delusional, just like I can't stop anyone else from being delusional about me.

Hi. I was able to tell my mom about how she lived her life (addicted gambler) affected me a few years before she died, but I don't think she even stopped to think about what I had told her. Anyway, it didn't change things. She died almost 2 years ago. I am not sad that she is gone. I am sad because she never really lived her life. Take care of yourself and your daughter. Life goes on.

I would think that a good therapist could help you thru these feelings>
((((HUGS))))
bizi

I have a good therapist and I've talked through all this with her. This is where we come to the bipolar part. A good therapy session isn't going to change the fact that I have bipolar and I feel my feelings more intensely. My therapist would tell me to let go of the past, that I can only expect hurt from my parents, that I'm not a little child anymore, to look at all I've done with my life. None of that helps. It doesn't help the frustration and the rage I feel.

My mother makes fun of everything about me from my subsidized housing to my prior disability, and yet I can not avenge myself against her and I have never been able to. I always found myself explaining to her that things weren't what she thought and I notice that even today with certain females I take the same stance.

I can not stand being misjudged and misunderstood, that's perhaps my biggest button of all.

I have been and I continue to be. That is what my therapist would say. The only reason I am triggered today is I am having to make a decision about how I pay for my housing and I am under an incredible amount of pressure from a government agency to make a decision right now and its really stressing me out. Its bringing everything to the forefront. I live in an unaffordable area and the only reason I can afford to live and work here is because I have below market rate housing. I have an opportunity to possibly lower my rent in the future if my income goes down and I'm under pressure right now to make a decision.

Its bringing up a toxic cesspool of feelings as every time I have to make an appointment to go to talk to one of these agents I have to schedule it around work and then schedule a ride and it costs time and money.

Everybody is saying I should think long and hard before giving up this opportunity but from my perspective this opportunity is just a headache and its gambling on a what if my income goes down. Its only motivating me to make sure my income does not go down but in fact goes up with a promotion.

I'm also having to think about when my daughter turns 18 and I no longer receive child support but her income counts towards my income for my apartment, and then there's planning for when she moves out which i have no idea. Its making me angry and stressed and then the government agency is getting frustrated with me because I keep vacillating. Why would I say yes to my rent going up on the possibility that my income might go down in the future and therefore my rent would go down with this new program? Its so frustrating.

It sounds very frustrating!
((((((hugs)))))
bizi

I like your supplement list.

Your housing crisis sounds dreadful. I've heard the saying, "Expect the best but plan for the worst."

I've also experienced some hostile feelings towards my mom, dead now 15 years. It's mellowed a lot since i discovered the saying in my sig. Now i just feel mostly disappointment that she was so weak a parent when i was a teen and older but gratitude for her attentive care when i was a young child.

She threw me the best birthday parties! The loot bags were super! We had a little ritual where she would say from time to time, "Go look on your bed -- i think there's something there for you." I would go look and there would be a new pair of pajamas! I loved my PJs! One set was so pretty my brother said i looked like a princess in it and i was over the moon! I wore them until they were rags!

As with my father, who i've discussed elsewhere, i try and remember the good times.

I'm glad you did not have abusive parents.
Sorry I did not communicate correctly about my housing situation.
Its stable its just that I have an opportunity to accept a voucher that would raise my rent but is valuable in my county.