[LadyShadow]

Hey everyone,

I think I am seriously at a point where I just don't care about trying to fight this bipolar crap I deal with. I was COMPLETELY thrown out of the small amount of balance I was able to maintain, for the short time that it was there. It's now 12:03pm and I haven't slept all night, and you know what? I DON"T *&^%&** CARE! I am like so done, so done with trying to improve my sleeping schedule, so done with even taking care of myself because I just don't care.

The scariest part about all of this is, I don't even feel bad about it. Throwing up my hands in surrender and just letting whatever this is, (most likely it is total mania, I get it), take me over and if it has to, just carry me straight into the hospital again. I don't want to call my pdoc because I don't want to hear anything he has to say, and honestly I am probably going to double-talk my way out of that whole conversation anyway.

I REALLY, REALLY want to see my therapist though, and my luck in life is I wasn't able to get an appointment till tomorrow, and I WISH TO GOD it could have been today. Of all the times in my life I NEEDED my therapist, its right now, and I know calling his office is going to lead to a transfer straight to his voicemail, (I kinda think the receptionists don't even try anymore), and honestly, he never gets it anyway. Lord knows why they haven't fixed that damn thing yet. He doesn't have an email either, because as you guys probably know by now, I LOVE to write, and a 10-page email would have TOTALLY been watiing for him this morning.

I am actaully laughing to myself right now, because the irony of this whole epic slide backwards was my attempt to go out there and increase my social circle by reconnecting with friends. I have been getting completely BADGERED for so many damn years, by therapists, doctors, and even my family to make friends and get out more because "it would be good for me and it will enrich my life."

Well guess what? The good intentions and probable sense behind that advice may land me straight back in the psych ward and completely ERASE all the progres I have made, (or I thought I made).

So forgive me if I sit here with my middle finger straight up.

Sigh, to the power of infinity........

[Nammu]

Been there....got the t-shirt from IP

Land safe

[LadyShadow]

Originally Posted by Nammu

Been there....got the t-shirt from IP

Land safe

Haha, thanks. I having a total flashback of Alanis Morrissette just singing "Ironic" over and over again in my head. Let's hope for that safe landing!

[bizi]

I am sorry that you have to wait until tomorrow.
may I ask what you have tried to sleep?
meds?
keep writing here to us, I will be back here this evening and I am sure others will reply later too.
(((((HUGS))))
do you have any AP to take in this case. even some benadryl would help. maybe a benzo if you have any extra.
(((((HUGS))))
bizi

[LadyShadow]

Originally Posted by bizi

I am sorry that you have to wait until tomorrow.
may I ask what you have tried to sleep?
meds?
keep writing here to us, I will be back here this evening and I am sure others will reply later too.
(((((HUGS))))
do you have any AP to take in this case. even some benadryl would help. maybe a benzo if you have any extra.
(((((HUGS))))
bizi

Aww bizi, you're such a doll, you always look out for me! I have to admit, I didn't try a damn thing to sleep. Isn't that so self-destructive of me? I totally and utterly gave in, I really did. I totally threw off my sleep schedule, and if I take anything now, I will wake up at 9pm, and then rinse and repeat and I might as well give up at trying to have any kind of normalcy. It's a total catch-22, and an utter nightmare. But you know what? My hands are up, in total and utter surrender.

((((((HUGS)))))) As always bizi, you're always looking out, I really appreciate it.

[Leia78]

Write out those 10 million pages anyway, to put them out there, as if you were writing to your therapist. Write them anyway.

I'm going a little crazy myself today. I've been contemplating whether or not I really need meds. I'm sick of taking them all day. Sick of looking at them, sick of playing the game at the pharmacy every month. Sick of seeing a doctor every month or less. I've already decided by noon that I'm just not going to be bipolar anymore.

It's so hard to do anything and concentrate on anything without sleep.
I don't think you're going to give up. The fact that you have your middle finger up in defiance of what you're going through, says FFUUCK you, I'm a fighter.

What you're going through is hard, so hard. Please hang in there and do your best. Be nice to yourself

[Wild Coyote]

I'd skimmed the forum, saw your post and had to sign in to reply.

Please stay safe. You have many people here who love you, myself included.

I agree with the posters above.
I'd suggest, as Leia did, that you write anyway, even though your T is not available today.

Please do stay in touch!
We are here for you!


WC

[Unrigged64072835]

I'd write that 10-page email, print it out and take it with you to T. In fact, I would write everything you feel out--no corrections, all cuss words, whatever--until you get it out of your system. Even if it ends up a thousand pages of nothing but stream of consciousness phrases and exclamation marks, at least it's out of your head. (A lesson I learned from another writer.) I find when I do that I'm exhausted but calmer.

I also don't go out and see, or make new, friends IRL. I have started venturing out into other online writing groups through WordPress. I feel good about that.

Hope you can still see T.

Big hugs.

[LadyShadow]

Okay I am going to attempt to do this, and try to answer everyone who posted because I am nearing the finish line soon...(not anything drastic, just complete exhaustion finally, my body is just is yelling at me to STOP NOW YOU CRAZY WOMAN!!!)

Originally Posted by Leia78

Write out those 10 million pages anyway, to put them out there, as if you were writing to your therapist. Write them anyway.

I'm going a little crazy myself today. I've been contemplating whether or not I really need meds. I'm sick of taking them all day. Sick of looking at them, sick of playing the game at the pharmacy every month. Sick of seeing a doctor every month or less. I've already decided by noon that I'm just not going to be bipolar anymore.

It's so hard to do anything and concentrate on anything without sleep.
I don't think you're going to give up. The fact that you have your middle finger up in defiance of what you're going through, says FFUUCK you, I'm a fighter.

What you're going through is hard, so hard. Please hang in there and do your best. Be nice to yourself

Aww, Leia78 you are such a jewel you know? You just shine and shine, and you know, as much as you want to throw in the towel as much as I did, we both know what the right thing to do is. Deep down, even in our complete surrender, that pesky thing called a "human spirit' just flat ignores all that garbage of negativity that we try to destroy it with. I wish you all the best, keep on fighting the good fight. You know, I wrote that letter, and I don't even know how many pages, but I am going to bring it with me to therapy tomorrow and say, "Here! This is what your advice got me!!" Haha.

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

I'd skimmed the forum, saw your post and had to sign in to reply.

Please stay safe. You have many people here who love you, myself included.

I agree with the posters above.
I'd suggest, as Leia did, that you write anyway, even though your T is not available today.

Please do stay in touch!
We are here for you!


WC

Awww WC you are the best!! I know you care, everyone on PC cares so much and I deeply appreciate it. I am hanging in there, the worst is over, I got it all out, and I am holding it together so I can have a long night's sleep tonight. Thanks for reaching out!!

Originally Posted by Fharraige

I'd write that 10-page email, print it out and take it with you to T. In fact, I would write everything you feel out--no corrections, all cuss words, whatever--until you get it out of your system. Even if it ends up a thousand pages of nothing but stream of consciousness phrases and exclamation marks, at least it's out of your head. (A lesson I learned from another writer.) I find when I do that I'm exhausted but calmer.

I also don't go out and see, or make new, friends IRL. I have started venturing out into other online writing groups through WordPress. I feel good about that.

Hope you can still see T.

Big hugs.

(((Fharriage)))) you know I totally wrote out that letter, just like everyone suggested, and boy, was it a doozy!! I really hope my therapist doesn't make me read it to him, or maybe I do, I don't know, (I kinda blamed a lot of stuff on him, bad me I know). But yes, lots of cusses and lots of exclamation points!!!! Haha. But you're right, I totally exhausted myself and now I am calmer.

You know what's funny? I was PERFECTLY fine in my little online bubble, yeah I had some issues, you know with my mom and all that plus the sleeping thing. BUT my mom asked me this afternoon, "Why did you get so devestated, how will you handle it when me and your dad leave you?" Like ouch mom, really? But you know, she totally has a point. How AM I gonna handle grief and loss, if I do this over two friends I haven't even seen in years? Geez Louise Ms. Lady Shadow. I know I shouldn't think about it now, but people have faced such tragedy in their lives, (especially those poor families from Parkland), and this just feels like real small potatoes. I know I shouldn't compare situations, because you know everyone handles things differently, but still! I have GOT to really get a handle on things, and learn how to properly manage these sudden changes or events.

Phew! I do love PsychCentral though and the wonderful people here. Here's to beating this bipolar shyt!!

(((LadyShadow)))

I hope you find a way to sleep tonight

<shakes fist in the air>

Screw bipolar!!!

(((HUGS)))

I like writing too and i've declined the offer of my doctor's email several times now just because i know myself and i know how unrealistic i get and how i tend to write rage emails and i want to protect both of us from that. I think you probably got all the mileage out of your letter to your therapist just by writing it. If you're like me, at the moment of seeing people, it becomes clear it's just not appropriate to say all that rage stuff. When you actually see the person, the appropriate words will come, not to worry.

I'm sorry you were disappointed by your recent attempts to socialize. I don't expect much from people socially. I'm mostly reclusive and enjoy my dog. There was a time when mental health professionals encouraged me to socialize but now that i'm 51 i don't hear that anymore. The message that socializing is healthy is a mass message and as individuals we get to decide if it applies to us or not. I don't feel out of touch with reality from all the isolation. I enjoy the solitude, peace and privacy!

[bizi]

I hope you got some decent sleep.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

[pirilin]

You're NOT mad. Just Bipolarian.