[ghtyui]

Hey everyone, I have bipolar type 2 with dysthymia. I'm mostly grumpy, I can get super angry at the drop of a hat, and I project on to people all the time. I make people uncomfortable becaise I'm not happy and chatty. As far as I can tell I'm a Highly Sensitive person, and I've been told I have OCD, GAD, Avoidant Personality Disorder, and one MD I have no respect for said I have signs of Schizotypal disorder.
I've seen councelors off and on since I was 15. None of them have had any lasting efficacy. I'm now 42, married with 2 amazing little girls. I've taken all kinds of different meds and I like to think I'm on a working concoction right now but that opion will change depending on all sorts of external conditions.
I'm an @$$hole and I REALLY REALLY need to get better so I can provide for my family. I am super depressed right now. I don't get along with people. I find any reason to not like someone and distance myself from them. I am constantly judging people. I know that subconsciously it makes me feel better for a little bit. I know I have toxic shame also. I often hate myself, and I have a constant nagging that I'm just a piece of shite.
I almost got fired from my job last week. I really wouldn't have minded because I really hate my boss and coworkers and the culture and that corporate hell hole. I can't find another job in the same field. I actually got an informal interview for a job much closer to home, but because of all my issues, including anxiety, from what I remember of the meeting I think I borked it.
So I'm going to have to go back to my old line of work, making ALOT less money, and my wife will have to go back to work full time, and our 2 kids will have to go to school instead of homeschool.
I know there are so many people that have it worse than me, but in the moment that doesn't phase me at all. My life SUCKS right now. I don't know how things are going to get better. The only thing that really does help me feel better for a while is to write walls of text like this.
I'm probably going to find a councelor again. It just sucks because it never amounts to much and I feel like I'm wasting my money. How do you people cope?

I hate myself too and i'm really sensitive and judgemental and ashamed. I'm on private disability benefits so i don't really have to interact with others and mostly i don't. I'm a recluse. It's just too painful. I even got mad at a person on another forum yesterday and put her on 'ignore.' People can hurt me thru a computer.

Can you just keep your contact with people to a bare minimum? That's how i coped when i worked. It helped that i worked in a locked computer room with just one other woman who i got on with okay. Getting along with people is hard and at work it's imperative. It's a real challenge and i wish you all the best.

Hugs,

Jane.

[Row Jimmy]

You've taken the first step. Embracing your condition, IMO, is important. Fighting it doesn't work because MI isn't curable, only managed. For years, I was in denial. "This is who I am", I used to say. I was tough to live with and things were eating me up. Second step is to see someone - get an official diagnosis and get on the books. This way, you're eligible for medication, treatment, and such. Third is to take it upon yourself to follow a program - self management is the toughest step. Consider mindfulness, diet, exercise, and good sleep habits - the stuff that sort of keeps us "centered" if you will. Look for a good mixture of peace. For me, the challenge is finding the time, staying disciplined when things are good (I get lazy), and remembering to practice good habits. Other things that might help - no alcohol, avoiding stressful situations, and finding a hobby that makes you feel good. I quit drinking because that was part of my problem but other people might not believe it is a concern. I picked up mountain climbing at age 50 and it helps me tremendously. It also helps to have a supportive significant other that understands your issue and gives you the space to get better.....I disappear on a lot of Sundays and don't come back home until 4:00 because I'm climbing a mountain 2 or 3 hours away.

Anyway, good luck. And, for the record, you had referenced yourself as being an a-hole. Hey, get in line buddy!

[ghtyui]

Originally Posted by Row Jimmy

You've taken the first step. Embracing your condition, IMO, is important. Fighting it doesn't work because MI isn't curable, only managed. For years, I was in denial. "This is who I am", I used to say. I was tough to live with and things were eating me up. Second step is to see someone - get an official diagnosis and get on the books. This way, you're eligible for medication, treatment, and such. Third is to take it upon yourself to follow a program - self management is the toughest step. Consider mindfulness, diet, exercise, and good sleep habits - the stuff that sort of keeps us "centered" if you will. Look for a good mixture of peace. For me, the challenge is finding the time, staying disciplined when things are good (I get lazy), and remembering to practice good habits. Other things that might help - no alcohol, avoiding stressful situations, and finding a hobby that makes you feel good. I quit drinking because that was part of my problem but other people might not believe it is a concern. I picked up mountain climbing at age 50 and it helps me tremendously. It also helps to have a supportive significant other that understands your issue and gives you the space to get better.....I disappear on a lot of Sundays and don't come back home until 4:00 because I'm climbing a mountain 2 or 3 hours away.

Anyway, good luck. And, for the record, you had referenced yourself as being an a-hole. Hey, get in line buddy!

Dude thanks alot for your input. That shows me there is a way forward. Have you ever talked to a councelor that helped you and if so, what kind of work did they have you do? I have never been able to put into long term practice any of the stuff that they suggest.
I also smoked a ton of weed from age 15-19, did more than my share of acid, and drank alot too during that age so I also worry about what permanent damage I did to myself. So far I've read that the most harmful at that age would be weed because of the way if affects your psyche when you're still growing. I also tend to ramble.

[ghtyui]

Originally Posted by whatever2013

I hate myself too and i'm really sensitive and judgemental and ashamed. I'm on private disability benefits so i don't really have to interact with others and mostly i don't. I'm a recluse. It's just too painful. I even got mad at a person on another forum yesterday and put her on 'ignore.' People can hurt me thru a computer.

Can you just keep your contact with people to a bare minimum? That's how i coped when i worked. It helped that i worked in a locked computer room with just one other woman who i got on with okay. Getting along with people is hard and at work it's imperative. It's a real challenge and i wish you all the best.

Hugs,

Jane.

Hey I'm sorry you also have to deal with that. What is private disability? I hope you find peace soon.

[Aviza]

Well I am on disability, have a psychiatrist, case manager, therapist, therapy program, adult mental health worker, and a job coach. I used to do it on my own but i love having the help.

It all started with the case manager and psychologist. The case manager has found all kinds of programs and therapy for me. Oh yeah i have county help too. I'm on excellant insuance. I pay less now than when i was just on disability.

I make more now than when i was working full time, with working part-time and being on disability. And i qualify for all kinds of stuff. I love my case manager, get one. I really recommend it.

[ghtyui]

Originally Posted by Aviza

Well I am on disability, have a psychiatrist, case manager, therapist, therapy program, adult mental health worker, and a job coach. I used to do it on my own but i love having the help.

It all started with the case manager and psychologist. The case manager has found all kinds of programs and therapy for me. Oh yeah i have county help too. I'm on excellant insuance. I pay less now than when i was just on disability.

I make more now than when i was working full time, with working part-time and being on disability. And i qualify for all kinds of stuff. I love my case manager, get one. I really recommend it.

Thanks Aviza. How do you get a case worker?

[pirilin]

Don't give yourself nicknames, they tend to stick to you.

[Row Jimmy]

Originally Posted by ghtyui

Dude thanks alot for your input. That shows me there is a way forward. Have you ever talked to a councelor that helped you and if so, what kind of work did they have you do? I have never been able to put into long term practice any of the stuff that they suggest.
I also smoked a ton of weed from age 15-19, did more than my share of acid, and drank alot too during that age so I also worry about what permanent damage I did to myself. So far I've read that the most harmful at that age would be weed because of the way if affects your psyche when you're still growing. I also tend to ramble.

Glad I could help - that's what we're all here to do. So as I mentioned, I went through years of denial and self abuse until my dad took me aside and told me I needed help. This was after a particularly ugly incident in which I threw a lawn chair at my mom........talk about a-hole behavior. Anyway, I have a p-doc now who helps me formulate (and stick to) a plan. I didn't know anything about how diet, exercise, and meditation could help. Why? Let's be honest, we just don't know! But it's relatively laid back - he doesn't force me to do anything. I just meander through it - I sleep well, I exercise, I meditate here and there, and I quit partying, but my diet sort of sucks. I like food, what can I say? Anyway, he basically provides guidance and counsel. Years ago, I attended a series of mindfulness "training" sessions and I found them helpful. Meditation is very difficult to perfect since our minds tend to race all day long, especially if we're BP. Now, I'm at a point at which I'm on my own and I try to manage myself accordingly. I won't kid you - it isn't easy because life gets in the way and I'm 52. But it is very rewarding considering how I've acted in the past. I don't want to go back there.

Relative to your concerns about prior abuse, don't worry about it. Much of your (and my) behavior is linked to the BP. My drugs of choice were alcohol, cocaine, and any pills I could swallow (with alcohol, of course). My friends used to call me a "rage-a-holic" because when I was manic, I would go off the deep end. That's pretty normal for anyone with BP because we tend to make poor decisions. I look back now and see why it all happened. It was the MI and not the real me. The real me is who I am now. And I don't give the past a second thought. Screw it, been there, done that. IMO, leaving those friends behind is important - I left most of mine. I think about it here and there, bit it's all in the rearview mirror.

This might sound corny (and it probably is) but I have a framed poster of Loverboy in my family room. It's the entire band, and they look like they're having a great time. It reminds me of a time when I was "normal" and hand all kinds of promise - 1983 or so when I was a teenager. Then, I lost my way for about 25 years. I look at that poster and remember that there were good times and there still can be good times, but it's up to me to make it happen. It's time for a new chapter, Brother Ghtyui.