[LauraY]

Hi
I’m a newbie coping with a fairly new diagnoses of Bipolar. Being diagnosed at 57 makes you think back over a ton of things that could have been different, had I been properly managed. I really think these symptoms have been with me since I was a teen, and I just got seen as depressed.
I made SO MANY bad, impulsive decisions while manic, which I have such remorse for. I am starting therapy soon and maybe talking it through will help. Anyone relate on the remorse?

Yes, i feel remorse for things i've done while manic, some reckless hyper-sexuality especially. My feeling goes beyond remorse tho. I feel shame. I feel so ashamed of myself that i think it's good that i've withdrawn from life so as not to create anymore shameful memories to agonize over.

Just a note on your late diagnosis. Early diagnosis does not automatically mean your illness will be managed. I was diagnosed at 25. I'm 51 and my illness has proved to be treatment-resistant and i still struggle with mood swings. Of course, there's a chance that an early diagnosis would have lead to a better outcome, but my point is that it is not a sure thing.

[Pookyl]

Try not to beat yourself about your past. I was diagnosed in my 40’s. I have lhad a lot of remorse but I’ve learnt through therapy to move on.

Originally Posted by Pookyl

Try not to beat yourself about your past. I was diagnosed in my 40’s. I have lhad a lot of remorse but I’ve learnt through therapy to move on.

It might help me to hear HOW therapy helped you move on? What sort of therapy did you do?

[~Christina]

I wasn’t diagnosed until 43 and I looked back over my life and was like “”””” Oooooooooo that explains so damn much”

I wish I had done many things different of course.

Through therapy I learned how to “ let go “ of a lot of mistakes and amends to the few people I had left. I wish my parents were still alive, but I lost them far to early.

[Tucson]

I was not diagnosed until I was about 44. I look back and saw mindless behavior on my part which I regret very much so. Yes, I feel shame. However, as the quality of my life as a result went downhill, one thing that happened helped make my life very worthwhile. I have my daughter. But I screwed up there too. I am hoping all will eventually work out for my daughter. With me and my life, I am not as hopeful.

[*Laurie*]

I was diagnosed around age 30 (I'm 55 now). I believe I've had bipolar since I was a small child. I can't say that I have regrets exactly...more like shocking moments of truth. For example, having affairs, yes - but realizing and accepting that I was manic at the time and was so for many months! I'm finally, this winter, truly accepting the diagnosis I received decades ago. There's a sense of peace about accepting it.

[Tucson]

I think I had it also when I was in grade school. At a baseball game, I would be the one performing cartwheels in the outfield. I missed allot of baseballs that way.

[Pookyl]

Originally Posted by apfei

It might help me to hear HOW therapy helped you move on? What sort of therapy did you do?

The first year after being diagnosed I was constantly having episodes. As in back to back.

So, much of my therapy was focused on crisis management: learning to recognise symptoms of what I did when coming into an episode and what I did during an episode. I was taught how to do sleep hygiene, how to write a schedule, the importance of taking my meds at the same time each day.
We spent a really long time on grief therapy. I was someone who lived to work and I grieved the loss of both my job and my career. I strongly believed at the time that I’d also lost my intelligence and was subsequently grieving and suicidal.

I was taught to practice mindfulness.

As you can see I did a whole lot of therapy. Unfortunately, I’m someone who does all the right things and is still unstable. The thing that keeps me doing the right thing is that I would probably be living in a psych institution if I strayed.

[Unrigged64072835]

I was dealing with a lot of problems growing up and as an adult. Even with therapy I wasn’t doing well. I was finally diagnosed with bipolar in 2013. I still had trouble until 2016, when I was put on my current combo.

I look upon myself with compassion now. I realize I wasn’t in my right mind most of time. I learned through DBT and supportive therapy coping skills for the emotions I do face, as well as CBT to challenge my thoughts. I feel bad for my daughter growing up with that so I do the best for her now.

[pirilin]

Welcome to PC bipolar sub forum. There are excellent people in this site. My sisters and brothers.
Keep posting. No matter how insignificant it seems to you. The more you post, the more you integrate to the group.
Ah, also to make bad decisions, you don't have to have bipolar.
My wife doesn't have it and she picked me. Good luck.

[BipolaRNurse]

I was 53 when I was diagnosed Bipolar NOS, and 55 when I received my bipolar 1 diagnosis so I know what it's like to be dx'ed late in life. But looking back, I've exhibited symptoms most of not all of my life...it was only when the disease escalated in my early 50s that it couldn't be ignored any longer.

Welcome to PC. And by the way, we've all made bad decisions, whether we're bipolar or not. BP just makes it worse.

[LauraY]

Originally Posted by apfei

Yes, i feel remorse for things i've done while manic, some reckless hyper-sexuality especially. My feeling goes beyond remorse tho. I feel shame. I feel so ashamed of myself that i think it's good that i've withdrawn from life so as not to create anymore shameful memories to agonize over.

Just a note on your late diagnosis. Early diagnosis does not automatically mean your illness will be managed. I was diagnosed at 25. I'm 51 and my illness has proved to be treatment-resistant and i still struggle with mood swings. Of course, there's a chance that an early diagnosis would have lead to a better outcome, but my point is that it is not a sure thing.

I can totally relate to the shame. Back when I was a late teen to early twenties, I was sexually promiscuous, drinking very excessive, and blacking out. Shame is a terrible thing, as it eats you alive. It takes your self esteem, and makes (at least for me) you feel worthless. Those are the LIES we tell ourselves. I think therapy will give me a chance to unload some of this shame, which I’ve carried like a heavy load on my back for 30 plus years.
What do you mean by treatment resistant?

[LauraY]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

I wasn’t diagnosed until 43 and I looked back over my life and was like “”””” Oooooooooo that explains so damn much”

I wish I had done many things different of course.

Through therapy I learned how to “ let go “ of a lot of mistakes and amends to the few people I had left. I wish my parents were still alive, but I lost them far to early.

Me too. I look back now and so many things I did can be explained. I understand about your parents too. I wish I could talk to them.

[Nola0250]

I was also diagnosed recently and in mid life. It sucks and seems almost inconcievable but there it is. Looking back, I also have had it my whole life. I had some hypomania as a teenager but had my first major mixed episode in my early 20's. My boyfriend came and rescued me with my mood stabilizer of choice. At the time, I didn't know why I needed it so much. I improved but was still mixed. Irritable, mean. I drove him away and I deeply regret that. I loved him dearly. Years later, I didn't want him back but did want to apologize for my horrible behavior, but he wanted nothing to do with me. Absolutely his right to do so.

[liveforsummer]

Welcome, you will certainly find a lot of support here.
I along with many others here was diagnosed midlife. 2017 was the worse year of my life which finally lead to the bipolar diagnosis. I’m still often struggling with shame from my early twenties. Oddly how in my twenties I would actually tell myself that as I got older my feeling of shame would disappear and just become something of my past. Boy was I wrong. Have a new T and really hoping to learn to forgive myself and let this all go. I hope you get all the support you need to work through this.

Hi LauraY,

'Treatment-resistant' means that your bipolar doesn't respond to medication. I still have episodes even tho i am on a cocktail. It's better, to be sure, but i'm still knocked out of the work force, which shames me and makes me feel empty. I'm not one for family life so a rewarding career would have been the anchor of my life, but i haven't worked for decades and struggle with passing the time.

Hope you're one of the lucky ones who responds to med therapy!

Hugs,

Jane.