[scatterbrained04]

I know there have been many threads on here about accepting our diagnosis.

I accept that I'm bipolar. Right now I'm dealing with mega anger and frustration and hopelessness about the course of the illness. It seems like it's gotten progressively worse in some ways over the last several years. I just can't get it together. I've been left a shell of the person I was. Is it all just going to keep getting worse? Do you guys go through these emotions?

Sorry for the serious threads. Have had a lot on my mind.

Just made a thread on this haha. My pdoc said he thinks, although most literature says otherwise, bipolar gets better overtime once the right treatment has been found. I do feel a lot of anger, frustration, and hopelessness over whatever the hell is going on with me right now though.

[SparkySmart]

Originally Posted by escapeartist

Just made a thread on this haha. My pdoc said he thinks, although most literature says otherwise, bipolar gets better overtime once the right treatment has been found.

Wow. That's encouraging!

[Blueberrybook]

I have good times and bad times, and I'm talking about stable periods, not the hypomanic or manic ones. It took several years to even get meds that work most of the time, though the dosages have to be tinkered with now and again. Once, I had a 6 month period of stability. It was completely unexpected. That was awesome!

I had difficulty accepting that I was bipolar as well because I was diagnosed with major depression for years and years and somehow the bipolar diagnosis seems to have more stigma attached to it, at least within my family. It's like they can understand depression but not bipolar, and I'm not exactly sure why? And that makes me feel angry and hopeless.

Also, I feel I am a bit messed up after spending 10 years on meds for major depression; sometimes I feel like my brain got re-wired and it's never going back to the way it used to be. Not to mention, I had to see a state-run place for low-income people that really overmedicated me for depression and anxiety while in graduate school, and I think that did a real number on my brain.

I did start doing better once I got on meds that worked for me. For example, a lot of BP people do well on Abilify, and I did not. There are some people who can just take Lamictal, but I need to use Lamictal with other meds for it to help me. There were some other meds my pdoc tried me on too that didn't work, and then when she found something that helped a little, she had to find the right dosage. I'd say it was a good 5 years from the diagnosis of bipolar until I got to that 6 month stable period. I still have times I feel like a shell of myself, especially when I'm depressed or having panic attacks (I have panic disorder too). I really, really want to find myself in a period of stability like I had that 6 months. Now that I've experienced it, I do know that it is possible for me, so I am not giving up on getting the meds or treatment just yet.

[scatterbrained04]

Originally Posted by cln1812

I'd say it was a good 5 years from the diagnosis of bipolar until I got to that 6 month stable period.

I think this is part of my frustration. After 3 years, I got to where I was mostly stable for 2 years. Then the meds quit working. I've been struggling constantly for over a year now. It frustrates me that once I finally reach stability and start to feel normal again, it doesn't last.

Sometimes I wonder about my diagnosis. My grandma was recently diagnosed with "manic depressive disorder" by the IP doctor. (He didn't use the word "bipolar," but I think that's because he's in his 70s and a little stuck in the past. lol.) That kinda makes me wonder if I have it too. (I was diagnosed with BP a while back, but I've always fought the diagnosis until recently.)

I also have piss poor memory. Like, I've had severe depression before with suicide plans, but sometimes I don't remember any of that. Sometimes I think that I don't want to remember that. However, my therapist has to remind me that she's seen me looking extremely depressed. She also has to remind me when she's seen me manic.

My medications finally work. If I go off them, I become manic and my therapist sees it, and she sees the crash afterwards. Sometimes you just have to give it time to find the right medication, and it really sucks because sometimes it takes us years to find something that works, all while everything gets worse.

[SorryShaped]

Short and simple:
Bipolar is cyclical. The and bad ebb and flow with time.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by scatterbrained04

I know there have been many threads on here about accepting our diagnosis.

I accept that I'm bipolar. Right now I'm dealing with mega anger and frustration and hopelessness about the course of the illness. It seems like it's gotten progressively worse in some ways over the last several years. I just can't get it together. I've been left a shell of the person I was. Is it all just going to keep getting worse? Do you guys go through these emotions?

Sorry for the serious threads. Have had a lot on my mind.

Yes, I go through this, too. I also feel like I am not the person I used to be; a lot of me is missing. It's been 42 years since my first treatment-resistant depression. Once in great awhile, we find a med that works for 6-12 weeks and no longer. Yes, I wonder if I have slowly decompensated in certain areas of life, after all of this time; it certainly feels like it.

Please don't apologize for serious threads. These are serious, life-changing conditions. It takes some serious consideration to get through it.


WC

[Unrigged64072835]

I was in the same boat with being misdiagnosed with unipolar depression for over twenty years. With each new AD I would feel numb for a few weeks and then the mood swings would kick back in again. In 2013 my then pdoc decided to try me on Lamictal. That was like someone flipping a switch. It didn't work long, though. I'm now on Latuda and that has calmed things down quite a bit. I accept bipolar because it made more sense to me. I was already ostracized for having borderline PD, and I wasn't diagnosed for bipolar until after I lost my job. I'm sure it may be grist for the rumor mill amongst my old colleagues, but I don't see them and honestly I don't care.

[pirilin]

It will get better as the years go by. You start realizing that the strengh isn't there anymore. When you can feel the weight of a gallon of milk, it's time to change priorities.