[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by vertigo

I’m attending my grandma’s memorial service in just over an hour. I will probably have to interact with my dad after having avoided him for something like 15 years. I’m not sure how I’ll navigate this. It will be all kinds of emotional turmoil.

(((((( vertigo ))))))

Thinking of you.


WC

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Originally Posted by vertigo

I’m attending my grandma’s memorial service in just over an hour. I will probably have to interact with my dad after having avoided him for something like 15 years. I’m not sure how I’ll navigate this. It will be all kinds of emotional turmoil.

Sorry Vertigo. I have the same kind of situation with my father and dread anything that would put us in the same room. Grief is enough without added stress.

You're in my thoughts.

Originally Posted by vertigo

I’m attending my grandma’s memorial service in just over an hour. I will probably have to interact with my dad after having avoided him for something like 15 years. I’m not sure how I’ll navigate this. It will be all kinds of emotional turmoil.

Sending best possible vibes...

5 weeks!

I'm very tired again today from my dawn awakenings. I'm up so early because it's Spring. The rest of the year i get up at noon so it takes a while to adjust. The sleep disturbance is the only symptom of my usual Spring hypomania that i'm getting. Not feeling social at all. I took it easy today and just did nice rest and relaxation. I ate well. Weigh-in tomorrow. Eee!

Hugs,

Jane.

[giddykitty]

it's sunny, finally. yay! my body is feeling some better.

but i stopped my anxiety meds yesterday and slept horribly. Not sure how much is related, plus i still have slight congestion, which the stopping was supposed to help, possibly (plus help my preexisting condition-guess my pdoc was ignorant when prescribing the meds, and i was trusting :/ ). i don't like the tingly pain of anxiety, but i was anxious about taking the meds which can cause the restricted blood flow (nasal congestion?). i may have to take it tonight for sleep though. Also considering the sleep aid. Is this Spring hypomania again or the anxiety or both?? ugh! i feel a mess!...but the sun is shining, so i'm ignoring the mess for now.

it's so weird. i feel sleepy, but just cannot fall asleep. Most of the night was this way. The few hours i got, i felt rested. Sounds hypomanic when i spell it out, no?

[salsharia]

Very very very very very very very very upset. I thought this was the one epkace I might be able to share an experience and find like minded people and I’ve never been spoken to by others in such a hurtful way. Today I feel infinitely and immeasurably hopeless and I don’t want anyone to try and make it go away. I just realize that even as I say this, I will have hater and I will always have haters. I’m always and forever alone. I never fit it and my greatest fears have come true in a place I thought maybe I could overcome.

this week I crossed something else off my bucket list.

I went to the farm to stroke the animals (and stroked goats, and cows, and pigs)

it was very loud, and very triggery at times, but I did it- and while I was their I even tried a new drink (cherry flavoured tango)

I am getting pretty ****ed off with all this nice weather we're having, it's playing havock with my MI psymptoms (I need rain, and soon!)

I am still not sleeping either, barely even able to lie down, that's hard sometimes.

the other thing I managed to do this week was cut ties with someone who was not a good friend, she would lie to me, and pretend to protect me- long story, her and her friend from australia run an email group together, he hates me (the guy from australia), he tells her he hates me, then she's like oh.. we all like you and want you to be our friends.... **** off

[Wild Coyote]

Up all night with a severe migraine.

Will try to get a couple hours of sleep this morning.

Love to All!


WC

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

Up all night with a severe migraine.

Will try to get a couple hours of sleep this morning.

Love to All!


WC

Sorry you have a migraine. Migraines are no fun.

I hope you feel better soon, WC. Sounds like you get a lot or them?

Originally Posted by shattered sanity

this week I crossed something else off my bucket list.

I went to the farm to stroke the animals (and stroked goats, and cows, and pigs)

it was very loud, and very triggery at times, but I did it- and while I was their I even tried a new drink (cherry flavoured tango)

I am getting pretty ****ed off with all this nice weather we're having, it's playing havock with my MI psymptoms (I need rain, and soon!)

I am still not sleeping either, barely even able to lie down, that's hard sometimes.

the other thing I managed to do this week was cut ties with someone who was not a good friend, she would lie to me, and pretend to protect me- long story, her and her friend from australia run an email group together, he hates me (the guy from australia), he tells her he hates me, then she's like oh.. we all like you and want you to be our friends.... **** off

Sorry to hear about that "friend." You're right that she's not a good friend if she's doing that to you. Friends don't lie to friends or pretend to protect them. You're definitely better off without someone toxic in your life.

I remember having a similar "friend." She'd be talking **** behind my back, yet pretending that we were great friends whenever we talked to each other. So, what is it? Are we friends or not? Friends don't talk **** behind other friends' backs.

I feel like I don't belong in this world. I'm not talking about ending my life, but instead talking about how I feel like an outsider.

I woke up this morning and looked outside, which I never do. The sky is bright and cheery. But where am I? It doesn't feel right. Again, i feel like I don't belong in this world. The world feels foreign, like an unnavigated place. Everything I look at feels... different. Nothing looks the same. I am noticing things that weren't there before, and what I used to see is now different, but I can't quite put my finger on it.

I see people's faces and they're different. I don't recognize people in the same way I used to. Things just look...warped. But why is the world warped? And why are people looking at me different? Am I in the wrong universe, an alternate parallel one? That can't be true, but that's how I feel.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by bluebicycle

I feel like I don't belong in this world. I'm not talking about ending my life, but instead talking about how I feel like an outsider.

I woke up this morning and looked outside, which I never do. The sky is bright and cheery. But where am I? It doesn't feel right. Again, i feel like I don't belong in this world. The world feels foreign, like an unnavigated place. Everything I look at feels... different. Nothing looks the same. I am noticing things that weren't there before, and what I used to see is now different, but I can't quite put my finger on it.

I see people's faces and they're different. I don't recognize people in the same way I used to. Things just look...warped. But why is the world warped? And why are people looking at me different? Am I in the wrong universe, an alternate parallel one? That can't be true, but that's how I feel.

Sounds like you are experiencing something like derealization?
Sounds uncomfortable.
I hope you feel better soon!

WC

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by bluebicycle

Sorry you have a migraine. Migraines are no fun.

I hope you feel better soon, WC. Sounds like you get a lot or them?

Thanks, Blue!

I am very prone to migraines. I've been having some emergency dental work done and it is triggering migraines. It irritates the trigeminal nerve then... let the headaches roar! It will be okay in time.

Life long migraineur here.


WC

[Unrigged64072835]

Originally Posted by vertigo

I’m attending my grandma’s memorial service in just over an hour. I will probably have to interact with my dad after having avoided him for something like 15 years. I’m not sure how I’ll navigate this. It will be all kinds of emotional turmoil.

I hope it went okay.

I know when my mom was about to die I had to deal with my dad, who has a bigger ego than I do (and that's saying something). So he's doing his announcing thing, and I just put up with it because I won't be seeing him again. And I didn't.
He died over a year later.

[Unrigged64072835]

Originally Posted by bluebicycle

I feel like I don't belong in this world. I'm not talking about ending my life, but instead talking about how I feel like an outsider.

I woke up this morning and looked outside, which I never do. The sky is bright and cheery. But where am I? It doesn't feel right. Again, i feel like I don't belong in this world. The world feels foreign, like an unnavigated place. Everything I look at feels... different. Nothing looks the same. I am noticing things that weren't there before, and what I used to see is now different, but I can't quite put my finger on it.

I see people's faces and they're different. I don't recognize people in the same way I used to. Things just look...warped. But why is the world warped? And why are people looking at me different? Am I in the wrong universe, an alternate parallel one? That can't be true, but that's how I feel.

Like what WC said. I would think it's derealization as well. I've had that a few times, usually more when I'm depressed or shocked by something. Everything seems like a movie that's in 3D all around me.

[Unrigged64072835]

Took daughter's cat to the vet. The bladder stone is still there but it hasn't increased in size. After some discussion and research on the Internet my daughter decided on surgery. It'll take a chunk out of her savings (about $1000 or so) but at least she understands how expensive pet care is. Plus the cat has an ear infection so she'll need daily treatment for that.

Quiet day otherwise. We went out to lunch and hit the bookstore. None of the magazines I wanted were in but I picked up a computer music one and will browse through that.

I was going to make a large dinner but daughter and her boyfriend will be playing D&D tonight. I'm still amused that they are playing a game my brother has played for decades.

The DJ on Sirius XM said that tomorrow was independent record store day. I was remembering the one downtown that sold all kinds of vinyl. Then there was the alternative store that sold Paper Moon Graphics cards. And the downtown Y where I went swimming. And the cafe that served cheesy green tomato soup and assorted bagels. I was such a wild child then.

Mood is okay, a bit nostalgic maybe.

[Tucson]

I am here. I am starting to feel better. Perhaps this means my depression is lifting? I have purchased new clothes willy-nilly without concerned to a matching, balanced wardrobe. I see where I need to be more cognizant of my purchases. I overspent and still do not have what I need. I am going to exersize later today. Between this and how I have been dressing myself up with my new clothes, I am managing to feel better from my depression.

5 weeks + 1 day

I gained 1.2 pounds so that was a disappointment. My cycle is wreaking havoc on my diet. Still on track, losing 0.5 pounds a week tho. It's just not coming off steadily. That'll be 25 pounds in a year. I'll try eating five small meals a day. A guy i know had great success doing that. I made it over to the pool again today and had a great time. I had it all to myself as per usual. Up at dawn again. We have some warmer weather on the way so that should improve my mood.

Hugs,

Jane.

[Daonnachd]

The service went well, but I am sad. It's natural and normal grief. My hope now is to keep myself out of serious depression.

[Faltering]

I'm feeling better after that temporary relapse. Not to sound like an ad for Latuda, but I can't believe how much this medication has changed my life.

[giddykitty]

well, i'm kinda crashing at the moment, but I had a surge of energy (anxious energy too) earlier today. Spring is here (maybe) and I slept well. And I want to buy things. I'm not really the type to overspend (well not now, considering hubby watches the accounts, by chance, but I never was too too bad, i think.) Anyway, it's just all part of this Spring fever, although I'm wearing down as I said. I really would like to get outside, but I've gotta make dinner now. Kinda bummed about that. I need that energy boost! hmm, maybe a cup of tea out in the porch first...if I can get up. eh hem

[Tucson]

I have set a record. I have walked over eight miles today. I walked as fast as I could for two straight miles. I have walked over four miles without stopping. I am pleased with myself. My exersize is paying off. It also has been helping to lift me out of my depression. Nice! Now I need to eat an outrageous amount of calories to maintain my weight.

No no no omg lol

[Blueberrybook]

I've been overexercising lately, walked over 10 miles yesterday. I took today off but only because I forgot to set my alarm, and I have to watch my daughter, who is 10. My daughter has a birthday party to go to later for a friend, and I'm nervous about driving there. I don't know the area well, and there is a busy freeway I have to get on. Plus, they are always constructing in that area. Driving in places like that make me super anxious. My husband can't drive because he is going to a wedding for one of his close friends today. Maybe I will take an extra Klonopin today. My daily dose of Klonopin is 3-4 1 mg tablets, and I usually stick to three, but I think I'll do 4 today.

Haven't updated in awhile, been feeling kind of blah. I see the psychiatrist this week, maybe he'll do something about it or the panic attacks. Yesterday, I got a pain in my side (likely gas or a muscle cramp), and I equated it with the cramp I had when my ulcer perforated, and I nearly died in February. I had a huge panic attack over it until it went away. Ugh. My gastroenterologist just did an upper endoscopy last week, and he said I have no more ulcers and the one I did have is healing well after surgery, so I shouldn't panic over things like that, but you get no choice as to when a panic attack will happen.

I keep getting suicidal thoughts that come and go.

I'm just fed up with not understanding this world. Everything looks warped and nothing looks the same. I'm confused and don't even know what I'm doing anymore. I look at someone and hardly recognize their face. It takes me a few seconds to realize who I'm looking at. I still don't recognize mine either. Everyone and everything is just different.

I also keep getting visions of the future and I'm constantly struggling to uncover their true meaning. They are a message to me of some sort -- from who, I don't know -- but they are obviously meant for me and for me only. Perhaps because someone, or some entity, has faith in me and knows that I can understand. I can't understand, though. That's the thing.

I just want it all to end, permanently. Nothing feels like it's worth it anymore.