Normal is Not Working

Sitting at my little round cafe table - painting - listening to music! Every tiny feather-tip touch of every note!! Fighting that monster-juice that has taken over my bloodstream *AND*:
It must have diminished, shrunk back and down.
Become small <----like this----->Small~

IN THAT ONE MOMENT.

In one moment,
I feel God all around me and I know now that I will be okay. I have not been stolen; I have not been killed, I have NOT expired; I am still valid...the kidnapper has returned me to me, and God to me/me to God.

Now, there're plenty of things happening...music, colors, a psychedelic world. Purity and joy. Innocence. Non-pollution; it's all clear, now. I am alive behind the fairy-door (you can imagine what that door looks like). I am safe here, now. Now: I am free. I am in LOVE.

The sound of a truck engine beginning is a symphony.

Laurie—I’m checking in to see how you’re doing, and how your appointments went?

Hi sweetheart, You are so kind. Thank you. I'm doing okay, although definitely having intense shades of mood.

My appointments (therapist then pdoc) are at 2 this afternoon, so 6 more hours Pacific time.

I'm having a lot of insight into what's going on with me and I am so looking forward to getting input from therapist & pdoc. I cannot live in that "flat" state, so we'll have to come up with alternatives.

I have always hated my hypersensitivity and wanted to get rid of it. Just this week I have begun to value it - for the first time in my life. I've looked at people I admire, people who inspire me, and what do you know? They are very sensitive people. I feel that I need to stop being afraid of my own emotions and stop feeling shame when I express myself. I need to find glory in my emotion and in my expression of emotion.

So. I will be back with an update later today.

*Whew* Okay, I had the therapy appointment and the pdoc appt. afterwards. Therapy was very encouraging because I want to learn to accept and cope with my mood changes (even the natural ones), my emotions, and with expressing myself, my feelings, my needs, and so on. In short, I want to better learn to accept myself as the person I am. I like myself and I think it's time to really meet the whole "me".

The pdoc was very understanding about dropping the Lamictal dose. Of course, she chided me gently about changing the med without consulting her. I explained that I honestly felt I did not want to go through 1 more day feeling the way I was feeling. I also explained that I did try to schedule an earlier appt. with her, but that there was nothing open. I did not explain those things to defend my action, but to let her know why I made the decision to drop the dose when I did.

We talked a lot about the medication decision. Pdoc is very conscientious; I am fond of her. There are a few things that I've found even the very best pdoc doesn't quite "get" - for example, how absolutely fatigued psych meds usually cause people to feel. Most days I just want to sleep and sleep. Not like a depression thing, but just that I'm so freaking sleepy from meds. The sleepiness is very annoying to me. I have kind-of stopped bringing that topic up with pdocs because they seem to somewhat negate it.

Anyway, that was an aside. The final decision is that I am going to stay with the 75 mg. Lamictal for now. If I feel like I need to change the dosage, I can see her sooner than my next appointment in 3 weeks. As it stands right now I feel quite stable...the teeniest bit hypomanic occasionally, but no unusual anger or negative symptoms. I would MUCH rather feel a bit hypomanic than at all depressed or anxious.

It was a huge relief to get the appointment done.

During my appointment today, I was thinking of the people who have replied to me on this thread, and how much you have all helped me these past several days. Thank you

I just logged in to see how you’re doing, Laurie. I like the sound of your T and especially your pdoc.

These are a nice group of people here on PC

You've been an angel to me throughout this struggle, kt.