[annielovesbacon]

Hello everyone! Some of you may remember that I was very very scared to study abroad and be away from my therapist, doctor, family, and friends... and if you didn't know that, now you do

If anyone was curious I just thought I'd give a little update. I have been in my new country for four days now and will be here for the next four months. Speaking Spanish (my second language, and I am not at all fluent, though that is my goal) has not been as difficult as I thought. I have already made friends and today for the first time I got to explore my new city a bit. It was really nice to get out of the house. I have never been a morning person, so mornings are still hard for me. Hard to tell if it's depression or just simple anti-morningness!

My only complaint is my living situation... I am staying with a host mom who is absolutely lovely and sweet, but I am used to independence, being able to come and go as I please, sleep in or wake up early, go to bed early or wake up late, eat what I want, go out with friends when I want, etc... obviously it is just an adjustment I need to make. But right now it is very stressful for me and I think it is triggering a mild depression.

My classes start Monday and I am excited to see how things go and get to spend time on my beautiful campus rather than in the house all day!

[Victoria'smom]

I'm glad you're doing well. keep updating as you can.

[*Laurie*]

Thanks for checking in. Which country are you in? Do you have to live with a host? My son did study abroad (Italy and Paris) and lived on his own.

[annielovesbacon]

Originally Posted by *Laurie*

Thanks for checking in. Which country are you in? Do you have to live with a host? My son did study abroad (Italy and Paris) and lived on his own.

I am in Ecuador! I do have to live with a host family, it is a requirement of my program. I would prefer to live alone, I fear going into a depressive or manic episode and not being able to hide it from my host family. But, my goal is to become fluent in Spanish, and living with someone who speaks only Spanish is a great way to learn.

[annielovesbacon]

Hi friends, just wanted to do another update if anyone was wondering

I started classes on Monday. They are all in Spanish, but three of them are geared toward international students so the professors speak slowly and make sure we understand. My other class is psychology, which I love, but it is intended for native Spanish speakers so it is very difficult for me. I almost dropped it but I decided to stick with it!

Mornings have been very difficult for me. I don't want to get out of bed, I feel hopeless and like I can't do this, like I need to go home. I often feel like I want to die. But once I get out of bed and start doing things, I feel better. I am often kept up at night with thoughts of suicide. But again, during the day when I am studying, in class, with friends, exploring my new city, etc. I feel better. So I wish mornings/nights weren't so bad but I'll take it as long as my days are okay.

My living situation has improved, too, I have adjusted to living with someone else after being on my own for so long. I also have been eating healthier which is very good for me, when I was living on my own my diet was crap lol.

Thank you to anyone who reads this or cares haha I appreciate having a place where I can talk about this, it's hard to talk to others outside of PC about the intersection of BP and studying abroad.

[annielovesbacon]

Here's another update for anyone who cares.
These past few weeks have been really bad. These past few days especially depression has been hitting me like a train, I've been cooped up in my room for three days straight basically and my host mom is starting to get really worried. If I keep this up I don't know what will happen.
I am also having ED and addiction problems resurfacing.
So since obviously I am doing so poorly I am in desperate need of mental health support yet I don't have access to my therapist obviously (she said I could call her but I think only in a crisis situation). So I joined the betterhelp online therapy website even though it's expensive and it means I might not be able to afford trips I want to take
It's only been a couple days so I can't tell if it is helping or not. It feels good to have someone I can just vent to, but at the same time without that genuine human connection like I have with my therapist back home I am less receptive to the online therapist's advice.

Anyway that's how things are. I'd appreciate some good vibes or prayers sent my way. I feel so guilty for not enjoying this trip that's supposed to be so fantastic. I just want to go home

[wildflowerchild25]

I’m sorry things are going poorly at the moment. How much longer do you have? Until May? Just a guess. I hope the online therapy helps.

[annielovesbacon]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

I’m sorry things are going poorly at the moment. How much longer do you have? Until May? Just a guess. I hope the online therapy helps.

Yes I'll be here until mid-May. I feel guilty for counting down the days. And I'll only have four days at home until I move across the country for a three-month internship... I doubt that will be any better. I wish I could just be happy where I am.

I'm sort of wondering how old you are approximately. If you are 18 years old or younger I can certainly understand your host mother expecting you to lead a structured life. Even over 18, many families around the world expect family members that live together to eat at least most meals together. I grew up having to eat family meals together. It was mandatory. If I had ever had kids I would have demanded that, too. It's a good thing. You are having a host family experience. If you don't like it, you should have found a study experience that allowed you to stay in a dorm/hostel or hotel, or just rent a room in someone's house. I'm sorry if what I wrote sounds harsh. Understand that social and family customs are different around the world. It's my assumption that your time in Ecuador is to learn about those, too.

Try to keep your mind on all of the wonderful things in Ecuador. My

[Slightlydelusional]

That is so awesome! That is what I miss about living in Latin America and how easy it is to make friends so quick.

[emgreen]

I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time. Don't forget that you have us as a sounding board, too. While I never lived with a host family (an experience I'm sure is stressful) I worked in Germany for several years, so I know what it's like to be depressed & symptomatic abroad. It certainly isn't easy. If you can break your travel experience down into bite-sized pieces it might help. Focus on the day, or week, rather than the distant future. I noted that you're also worried about your internship when you return...that's far in the future, so don't borrow trouble. I know this advice sounds simplistic & I don't mean to minimize what you're going through, but trying to live in the day helped me through a few very difficult times. I hope things clear enough so you can enjoy your experience abroad.

[annielovesbacon]

Originally Posted by BirdDancer

I'm sort of wondering how old you are approximately. If you are 18 years old or younger I can certainly understand your host mother expecting you to lead a structured life. Even over 18, many families around the world expect family members that live together to eat at least most meals together. I grew up having to eat family meals together. It was mandatory. If I had ever had kids I would have demanded that, too. It's a good thing. You are having a host family experience. If you don't like it, you should have found a study experience that allowed you to stay in a dorm/hostel or hotel, or just rent a room in someone's house. I'm sorry if what I wrote sounds harsh. Understand that social and family customs are different around the world. It's my assumption that your time in Ecuador is to learn about those, too.

Try to keep your mind on all of the wonderful things in Ecuador. My

I'm 20. You're right, it is absolutely a cultural thing to be close to family, eat with family, talk to family, etc. I purposely chose a program where it was required to stay with a host family because I wanted to fully immerse myself in the culture. I don't mean to sound as if I am complaining about the customs here. It's just a lot harder to adjust to than I expected.

[annielovesbacon]

Hi everyone. So I decided to withdraw from my program and return home. I got home today.
I felt a lot of things about making that decision -- shame, embarrassment, anxiety -- but honestly, I feel relieved.
I thought the homesickness would get better. I thought I would adjust to all the changes I was experiences. But it never did. While all the other exchange students were having the time of their lives, lamenting that we "only" had two more months left, I was dreading getting out of bed and counting out the days before I left.
I recalled something my therapist said to me back in November, when I confided in her that I was unsure if I should go or not. She said "If you aren't happy, you're not going to have a fun semester, no matter what people tell you about studying abroad. If you spend your semester miserable, it's not worth it."
I took those words into account, and with them in mind, I decided to go because if I didn't I would always regret not knowing what could have been, but if I did, I could always come home if something went wrong. Well, I was miserable, and my therapist was right, it wasn't worth staying when I was miserable.
My only problem now is that I have to find something to do for the two months between now and when my new job starts in June, but at least I can see my therapist again!

Thanks everyone for your support.

[bizi]

I am very sorry that this did not work out for you.
Happy that you will see your therapist.
I am glad that you tried.....
((((HUGS)))))
bizi

annielovesbacon, I'm really sorry your plans did not turn out exactly as you originally intended. Know that I admire that you took a chance. Someday there will be things you can go after feeling very well and complete to your full satisfaction.

So you know, I twice went to Taiwan but was unable to complete my goals there because of bipolar disorder. However, there are many things I have done in completion since. And yet I also now look back at my stays in Taiwan as significant steps/events. All experiences, short and long, help us develop as adults. Decisions (even seemingly disappointing ones) lead to things we value dearly, even if they are mixed with new challenges.

[*Laurie*]

I think it's great that you gave your study abroad program a good effort. I think you should feel really proud of yourself for giving the program a fair chance and for setting a healthy limit when the time came for you to come home. I call that success.