Trigger Sui Trigger

You are not this terrible person. You just need to be willing to step up to the plate and more actively manage your problems. This is very difficult with feeling the way you do. Very difficult. As far as saying you may be a bad person anyway, you may be using this to excuse yourself from your responsabilities in takng care of yourself. I think this is the case because it is so difficult for you to function enough to do anything. I understand this. You are in a bad place right now. So why try? Right? You may think that none of this is possible. By the way, I am happy you are talking to us about how you feel instead of withdrawing, which at this point in time IMO is the worst thing you can do for yourself. Believe me, the effort I am asking you to put out for yourself will eventually lead to better times. I am sure you have been there at least one time in the past. You can be there again.

Take one step at a time. Since you have the immediate problem of food for your family, work on that first. My suggestion is to go to some these places that give away food to the needy. You will have to go to more than one place to get enough food. Lists are available on the Internet. I can look them up for you. There is also that “meals on wheels” program too. I am just trying to give you ideas.

The next step, which may need to be the first step, is to get by with your meds until you can see your pdoc. Call your pdoc and say it is an emergency. Tell them the problems you have been having, and some about how you have been feeling. Do not forget to tell them you are hearing things. Most importantly, tell them you are out of meds, and you need them to phone in new prescriptions NOW. Do not take “no” for an answer. Do not let them provide you an excuse, like it is policy to have their patients wait for their next appointment. Do not let them hand you off to a hospital. Tell them this is unacceptable. They are responsible for making sure you are being provided with the medication that your doctor is prescribing for you. Sometimes you have to advocate for yourself. You can always have your eldest help you with this. Get the local pharmacy to “loan” you medication.

You are going to a public facility that charges on a sliding scale, don’t you? In your case, you should be allowed to visit a pdoc and get your meds for free. That is what is happening for me. This saves me allot of money. I would think that there are facilities like this in various cities. There is Medicaid to consider. I would not be surprised that if you qualify for section 8 housing, you may already qualify for Medicaid. I do not know. Also look into getting both SSDI and SSI together. I think you are already on SSDI, right? It is possible to be on both. If you have to, go to churches for help. I do not know of your religious disposition. Maybe there is a church you already go to. If not, I believe this will still be worth a try. Some churches have the money to help who they consider the needy. They can help in other ways too. Some churches have a policy to never turn away anyone that needs help.

One day in the future, the sun will shine for you once again. You need to believe in yourself. That is the most difficult part, isn’t it? I believe you can do this, one step at a time. Allot of encouragement from us will help too. We are here for you.

PS Be careful with how long you are off of Lamictal. Also, if your feelings about your lack of a future persist (I am trying to be careful here), I think you do need to consider hospitalization. The purpose here is to keep you alive. There can be public facilities for this too.

I have to talk to my husband about using the food bank. We have some cash just I don't think we can stretch it for that long. I don't even know if we qualify because we already get EBT which would have been enough at cheap stores. I don't think he realizes how much food we go through in a month.

I'm having him call the pharmacy in the morning to see what's going on with my medication. I'm trying to practice saying out loud "I'm out of lamictal and vaguely suicidal" to the nurse (or answering machine). I don't know yet how I would put I'm hearing things because it's not like it's often it's more just today. I still haven't told my husband. Pnurse is new to me so it's kind of scary to even talk to her. I know the nurse but I've never talked to her. I don't like calling outside appointments because I feel like I'm over reacting or they'll over react. I'm fine with a sooner appointment but for that you have to say what is wrong. I'm not good with words. Hell I text my husband about MH things I can't say out loud. Even though I try to be all open and accepting to my families MH problems. Mine I can hardly speak about.

We currently have sec. 8 and medicaid which are life saving. We had to put our "new" car in our name and insure it. Now a month later it's transmission blew and so we're stuck with a broken car we're paying insurance on. I only qualify for SSI because I have never worked so I can't get SSDI.

Remember that you are the patient. Technically the pnurse is actually working for you and your mental health. That is why they are there in the first place. This is what they are getting paid to do. Hold them accountable. Be demanding if you have to. I am sure they have dealt with worse. Probably much worse. They can handle it. I do have to admit here that this can be difficult for me to do. Still, you have to try something here.

You will get there. I think calling your pharmacy is a good start.

BTW I must be starting to feel better since I have the energy to talk like this to you. I have also been very depressed for a couple months now. Not anything like you. But still difficult for me.