[MistressStayc]

I don't want to battle the thoughts, have the mental duels between the rational and irrational. I don't want to push though anymore feeling like I'm trying to walk through quick sand. I dont want to wear every hurt, anguish, stress of the day on my face making it so hard to look in the mirror with the hollow expression and sunken eyes. I don't want to be strong. I don't want to act ok...I just want to let it all go, say **** it, just be and see what happens.

But, like my mother used to say jokingly (if she only knew), I don't get the luxury of having the nervous breakdown that I deserve.

[Victoria'smom]

I'm sorry you have to pretend. Hopefully the lamictal starts helping.

[Moreta]

It's ok to sit in depression and feel it. Try to ask yourself what you need right now. Maybe whip out some coping skills. Take a nice bath with some bath salts and candles, do something for you. Cook a dessert or something else you like. Try a new recipe. Here's a list of stuff to try. https://imgur.com/a/Hymn1. I'd also suggest left handed journaling. Get some paper and a pen and write down a question about what's going on with your dominant hand and write a response with your nondominant hand. It's pretty interesting what comes out. Just remember with bipolar things will eventually even out, sometimes you just have to white knuckle it until it's over. Depression isn't a negative feeling, most people get depressed at some point in their life. Just gotta remember our brains don't work right and the chemicals in them go haywire or we get too stressed and our brains go kaput. It's ok to cry and let out the emotion. Things will get better. Just remember it hasn't always been like this and things will change again.

[wiretwister]

remember tigger loves you ... never give up ... we have your back ...

Originally Posted by MistressStayc

But, like my mother used to say jokingly (if she only knew), I don't get the luxury of having the nervous breakdown that I deserve.

Hear you. I'm sorry you're finding yourself in this situation. Hope things start to look up for you soon. Do you have any upcoming appointments?

[pirilin]

It does not seem possible to you now, but it will go away.
I have taken more than one pill of fokitall and it renders no real benefits.
Facing the music is the way to go, IMAO.
Change what you know you can, and let the other chips fall where they will.

I don't know why you can show the world who you really are. You must have your reasons.

I have everything a person can want and I'm myself.
Take it or leave it. Many depart, others arrive.
I think of it as a virtue. It takes practice thought.
You have to come to the total realization that the most important person in the universe, is you.
Without you, there's nothing.

Good luck. Cheers.

[MistressStayc]

The lamictal had too many side effects. I started Geodon almost two weeks ago with some sporadic improvement. I need to change my signature.

I see my pdoc on Wed. I called him about bad bad thoughts and ideation yesterday and he said go to the hospital. I said nope. I'm hanging in till the appt I had booked for Wed.

I only show my BF the real deal that is me. God, he must love me cause he takes so much ****. I'm a Mom, a daughter and a teacher. Too many expectations and need to protect the kiddo.

[Blueberrybook]

I'm sorry you're having a hard time. I hope your pdoc gets your meds sorted for you. I'm glad you have your boyfriend's support.

[ducky2030]

I feel the same! Hope you get better!