[nushi]

Hey guys

Ok, I don't know how to start this!

First, I have BP II, OCPD, PO (Pure Obsessions), GAD, MDD... & whatever else I may recognize in myself while reading the endless list of DSM!
And however you may disagree with me, I think that mentally "disconformed" (that is my made-up alternative word for "disordered", 'cause we refuse to conform with the apathetic habits of our present day societies - mindcha... English is not my native! ) are "universe/nature"'s necessary evolutionary genetic rebellion against the current deleterious conforming tendencies of the human masses, that is causing humanity & our Earth at large to have fallen over the edge into Hell! So, yes!, I think we're really the naturally-evolved more complex sensitive/compassionate/intelligent humans within the modern human species, giving way to the potential evolution of a new creative hominid species altogether...

Ok, so probably now you're saying I'm totally incomprehensibly grandiose manic... no actually, right now, I'm kinda on the verge of depression, & those ideas, although have started with a single epiphanic manic episode I had 3 years ago, I have rationally & creatively developed since then by reading more in philosophy, cosmology, & our Universe evolution story

But to not stray from the point I want to say here... I am truly suffering, as I am a lonely self-reflective philosophizing hermit, not just in my place here in Egypt, but in the whole world! Needless to mention that my previous three relations with men here have ended in tragic failures (& the first one has ended with me being sexually abused in a manner I can't seem to truly heal from, & which was a main trigger for my consciousness to reach beyond our current painful limitations in one manic time, that has gradually inspired me to find my purpose in life, my true loving spiritual Whole in Allah/God/Universe, & abandon the disgusting patriarchal dominating shackles of the Islamic - & overall Abrahamic organized - religious thought system, & abandon the parallely disgusting materialistic mechanistic shackles of the capitalist-business-consumerist socio-political thought system), so I'm abandoned by the society & its men here as a sinful adulterous crazy lonely woman!

A few months ago, I said to myself, well, why should I need a man, if I have my true embracing lover Allah all the time with me... But then, whenever I see couples walking by, watch romantic movies or listen to romantic songs, etc. My heart aches like a dagger has been mercilessly thrust in it, that at moments I feel hatred & anger at Allah that It made me so lonely, but then again I think Allah has a beautiful purpose for me, to drive me to passionately love It more, & painfully desire It more, such passion & pain that are the only way for me to be driven to reach for It through more creative & purposeful endeavors to similarly drive this ugly world to change...

Ok, I wrote too much right?!! Ok, I'll try to sum it up & say that I've decided to try to find someone all the same... but where & how?!! Most of the people in this world don't have this heightened elevated more complex level of compassion on both the spheres of cognitive & emotional consciousness, so I can find someone who complements my consciousness with such vigor & passion...

I'm not an arrogant person, I abhor arrogance, vanity, & egotism, because those are solely patriarchal attitudes! So I don't view myself as "above" other people, I just view myself as a forsaken little leaf of a beautiful willow tree of nature that has fallen down from its branches to lay dying on the exhaust- & filth-filled human city streets, while being treaded upon by the polished business foot-gear of men competitively running the socio-economic power machine that is sucking life from Earth... I just have a more complex consciousness from the tree leaf, but I'm a leaf nonetheless...

But interacting with people, & some men (even here over the internet), who don't have a parallel level of heightened passionate perception to interchange with mine, depresses me so & makes me realize more how miserable I am with my lonely consciousness that can't find a partner in this ugly world...

Some people with bipolar are very sensitive and love philosophy but others are more strict and rigid. I do hope you find your mate in life. It sounds like you have a much different mindset to the majority in your area and that has to be tough. (((Hugs)))

[OrangeMasticator]

Woah... can I just say woah!?... in a good way of course. To start to answer your questions... No, I never for once thought you were crazy or suffering from a manic episode. Why? Well honestly because when I type and write and express to the extent that you so beautifully have here... I call myself inspired instead of bipolar. The label just fits better for me ya feel? And NO: I wanted to read more and more of your writing so you didn't write too much.

And yeah that's it. I can't comment on the love interest struggle too well. I don't feel comfy only because I was lured into this post by your baseline question.
For me I have a boo and I feel lonely when I feel like he's suffering in his own hello if addiction and mental illness and my passion for him is like a magnet of both repulsion and attraction like gravity. He centers and grounds me to heaven when I think about our love and how strong it is. The irony is that English is my first language and I still come across so incomprehensible sometimes I - I'm just helpless sometimes ya know?. Anyways... you asked HOW not what...and to answer HOW I say I think about heightened passion and loneliness like I think about breathing... sometimes I forget and I panic and sometimes I think too much and my brain feels like it swells up.

So yeah... sorry that I feel like you feel so lonely... I get scared and paranoid and to alleviate my mental pain... I pray to Jesus. I hope Allah brings you peace and a partner though. You definitely deserve it. 🙂

[nushi]

Originally Posted by ElsaMars

Some people with bipolar are very sensitive and love philosophy but others are more strict and rigid. I do hope you find your mate in life. It sounds like you have a much different mindset to the majority in your area and that has to be tough. (((Hugs)))

Thank you so much ElsaMars (((hugs back)))

Well, I'm increasingly finding that my mindset is an isolated lonely single in the whole world... perhaps there are very few people who have a similar passion in the world, & I hope I may find one over the internet before my life passes by (because honestly men here are very patriarchal & dominating! ). I think maybe only bipolars or mentally disconformed people in general have a hightened level of passion, but thank you ElsaMars for informing me that not all bipolars are so...

I hate to be the one to break the news but many bipolars are rigid and patriarchal while others are enlightened. Some non bipolar individuals are very enlightened also. I hope you find your match. You sound like an amazing person and some lucky person will be very lucky indeed to meet you. (((Hugs)))

[nushi]

Originally Posted by OrangeMasticator

Woah... can I just say woah!?... in a good way of course. To start to answer your questions... No, I never for once thought you were crazy or suffering from a manic episode. Why? Well honestly because when I type and write and express to the extent that you so beautifully have here... I call myself inspired instead of bipolar. The label just fits better for me ya feel? And NO: I wanted to read more and more of your writing so you didn't write too much.

And yeah that's it. I can't comment on the love interest struggle too well. I don't feel comfy only because I was lured into this post by your baseline question.
For me I have a boo and I feel lonely when I feel like he's suffering in his own hello if addiction and mental illness and my passion for him is like a magnet of both repulsion and attraction like gravity. He centers and grounds me to heaven when I think about our love and how strong it is. The irony is that English is my first language and I still come across so incomprehensible sometimes I - I'm just helpless sometimes ya know?. Anyways... you asked HOW not what...and to answer HOW I say I think about heightened passion and loneliness like I think about breathing... sometimes I forget and I panic and sometimes I think too much and my brain feels like it swells up.

So yeah... sorry that I feel like you feel so lonely... I get scared and paranoid and to alleviate my mental pain... I pray to Jesus. I hope Allah brings you peace and a partner though. You definitely deserve it. 🙂

Thank you so much OrangeMasticator I can't find the expressing English words to tell you how you boosted my spirits For months now I've been sending emails & messages to people to find someone to share something, a little bit of what's boiling in me, with, but people are apathetic, busy, & don't simply care or have any much of their souls left in them to interchange consciousness' passionate reflections on ourselves & life around us... the system (both the local & global) have turned us into machines instead of thriving our humanity!

This is so wonderful what you're having with your boo (I had to google the word boo to know what it means first ). This is what love truly is, a mix of repulsion & attraction, a mix of pain & passion This is how everything in the Universe evolves & emerges a new being, through both repulsion (electromagnetism & expansion) & attraction (gravity & fusion) creatively dancing together...

What you have with your language is exactly what I have with English & Arabic! I can't seem to masterfully capture any of both! Sometimes I feel very creative with language, that I make up new words (like "disconformed"), & sometimes I feel like: "Huh?!! blagger fragshish plantershoosh wha?!!" & that's actually like most of the time! & the confusion of English, Arabic fosha (traditional), & Egyptian Arabic (that is pretty much different from the former), words & expressions in my head doesn't help at all either! Perhaps if I also learn Chinese & add it to the bunch, that might fix things a bit!

Yes, praying to Jesus/Allah/God/Universe brings us much comfort & serenity in our current mechanistic times... though I no longer pray or worship Allah, I only make love with It, try to reach for It, by reaching a heightened level of consciousness/passion...

Some, or maybe many, materialistic secular evolutionary scholars call this a "religious need", that the human mind imagined/invented (something like an imaginary friend) a Higher Entity to tamper our psychological fears of loneliness & uncertainties. So sometimes I feel panic & depression that I'm only imagining that there's an Allah, that we're loving & embracing each other, because it's just a psychological need of my mind...

But other times I think, it's just logically impossible that this whole wide beautiful (& even painful & ugly in some of its aspects) Universe, with all its mysterious "coincidences" that kept rhythmically evolving for 13.8 billion years, to finally bring you & me here talking over this page , is just nothing, with no purpose, with no sacred Wholeness that loves & embraces us with an intense and eternal level of passion that we cannot yet comprehend in our present level of consciousness

But just like the atoms, evolved into more wilful cells, who evolved into more beautiful plants, who evolved into more perceptive animals, who evolved into more creative & passionate humans, I'm confident that the Universe is still transforming, to drive humans to evolve into even more conscientious beings who will have a more heightened level of perception & passion, that God will be very real to our direct senses, not just an imaginative desire of our current minds...

[nushi]

Originally Posted by ElsaMars

I hate to be the one to break the news but many bipolars are rigid and patriarchal while others are enlightened. Some non bipolar individuals are very enlightened also. I hope you find your match. You sound like an amazing person and some lucky person will be very lucky indeed to meet you. (((Hugs)))

Oh, no, you didn't depress me with this news at all ElsaMars You just enlightened me more Even though I think more of the enlightened people are within the category of the mentally disconformed people than the so-called sane, or mentally coformed ones, but yes, you're right, it's not exactly black & white, many mentally disconformed people are not enlightened, & many, well, non-bipolars are enlightened

Thank you so much for your SO beautiful words ElsaMars, I feel too shy I'm not very amazing really, I'm just well, sinking in passion & loneliness

[bizi]

how are you?
bizi

[pirilin]

If the DSM says you have slow typing hand syndrome, would you believe it?.