[LokisIarnvidia]

Please note, there are potential triggers in this post. I'd hate to upset anyone by taking them off guard.

Hey all! I could use some serious support right now and don't know where else to turn. The long- distance love of my life has just been diagnosed as bipolar after he fully CASTRATED himself with a razor while incarcerated. Yup you read that correctly. He's now in the mental health ward on suicide watch. I too am bipolar, having been diagnosed in childhood, but my own symptoms are very well managed and have been for over a decade now. However, obviously in the midst of his breakdown, I feel my own resolve beginning to buckle under the pressure. I'm absolutely going to be there for him 110% in every way possible. However I could use someone to talk to who has gone through something like this. I feel exactly the way my parents must have felt while going through my own suicide attempts and self injury. This is the first time the shoe has been on the other foot, and wow is this an ironic experience.
I feel a tremendous amount of guilt over my love's decision to mutilate himself SO DRASTICALLY. We were talking rather a lot about his crimes when this happened... Apparently this is a trigger for him because they are linked to the systematic and prolonged abuse he suffered at the hands of his mother. He wanted to explore these things with me but was apparently unprepared for the skeletons in the closet. Pardon the creepy metaphor.
I also feel admittedly angry with him for doing something this drastic and irreversible. I mean, I know it's his body and his choice, but in cutting his sexuality out of his life, I feel that he was (consciously or subconsciously) trying to cut me out as well. We'd been arguing that day, due to his jealousy over my acquaintances, as usual. They're not even friends, but mere acquaintances. Every time I speak to a male he basically flips his lid, so we decided (just before the castration) that we should TRY to "just be friends." I don't even know what that means, since we only want to be with each other. But I'll do anything to de- fuse this volatile situation and the endless cycle of jealousy.
He is in a supportive environment now where he's receiving much professional help. And medication. However I'm the only person who's there for him out of love and affection, and I know that's important too. He literally has no loved ones or family besides me, so my support really does matter.
At least I know bipolar. I guess that's a blessing in disguise. I've been telling him to pursue a diagnosis for months now.
I could really use the support of a community while I attempt to support him to the best of my ability. I'm hoping to find that here.
I know this story sounds really extreme and yeah I'm in love with a convict. Please try not to throw stones, if you can help it.

Thanks for taking the time to read my post!!

Loki's Iarnvidia

[Moose72]

I have a very dear friend whom I am penpals with- have been for 15 years .... He is a eunuch. However he went to a doctor to get it done. One can live a normal life as a eunuch- just without sex. Or at least some kinds of sex. Your friend did this out of a desire for self-harm and thats different. I wish him all the healing vibes both physically and mentally. And Im sorry for your loss. I know this is hard but it will get better.

[Nola0250]

That’s a huge amount of trauma for you, let alone him! So sorry you are dealing with this. Try to make sure you keep taking care of YOU. You need to make your own stability a priority. It’s so easy to get caught up in the immediacy of someone else’s real needs and forget ourselves, only to notice our stability has slipped away at a point it’s damn hard to get back.

[Movingon69]

Do you have a therapist? Can you talk to him or her about the best way to care for yourself and help him or at least understand him? When I tried to kill myself I ended up in jail. My husband, who was determined to divorce me at the time but has changed his mind) was a God-Send. He jumped into action, thank God because I was on suicide watch and had no idea how to navigate the system or what to do when I got out other than immediately call my therapist. You can be a support for him but he's going to have to want the help. I hope this works out well for you both.

welcome to the forum.

hope it helps!

[*Laurie*]

With a razor? Yikes. Having a loved one who inflicts extreme self-harm upon him/her self can be severely traumatizing. My great-niece

Possible trigger:

shot herself in the head 2 years ago (she was 21). She survived, but is permanently blind and of course, disfigured. After that happened she spent over a year IP, then was moved to a group home. Even though she's on a lot of medication, she is still suicidal.

I am haunted by what she did to herself and obsessively think about her every day.

I think it's kind that you are supportive of your friend. I also believe that it's important to make sure he remains as just a friend. Take good care of yourself...which might mean setting boundaries on the energy you give to him.

[LokisIarnvidia]

Firstly, I would like to say thanks to all of you for your positive, understanding replies. It means so much to me!! I really feel like I'm in the right place now.
And yes, I absolutely am trying to maintain my friends- only stance right now, NOT because my intense romantic love has waned (and he knows this) but because one who has such psychological issues with sex that he castrated himself should not be dealing with romance just yet. I know that now. For sure. Basically my guy has been institutionalized for his entire life, including 20 solid years in prison. No one has ever really cared about him before, and these feelings of love and emotional closeness are clearly a challenge for him. (He has antisocial personality disorder also, so even caring about another's feelings is unfamiliar ground.)
And yes... You are correct... I DO need a therapist of my own, but alas it is not covered by my insurance and I don't qualify for assistance. However I think I'm holding up quite admirably, all things considered.
Thanks again for listening, and for being here. Sometimes the outside world feels like a sham when I'm dealing with something this intense and private.

Love to all!!!

Iarnvidia

[LokisIarnvidia]

Originally Posted by Moose72

And Im sorry for your loss. I know this is hard but it will get better.

I don't know if you meant this in a humorous way, but I laughed so hard when I read your condolences over my "loss". Imagine getting a Hallmark card for that occasion!!

Hahaa sorry I have a really dark sense of humor!
I think in this situation you kinda have to!

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by LokisIarnvidia

I don't know if you meant this in a humorous way, but I laughed so hard when I read your condolences over my "loss". Imagine getting a Hallmark card for that occasion!!

Hahaa sorry I have a really dark sense of humor!
I think in this situation you kinda have to!

Hey- im manic right now so i want sex like crazy lol

[LokisIarnvidia]

Originally Posted by Moose72

Hey- im manic right now so i want sex like crazy lol

Ha, awesome. I was kinda worried that you would be offended that I laughed. But it seriously cracked me up. I do feel a definite sense of loss... How could I not... But I kinda feel like it isn't my place to feel that. I feel like it's selfish of me to be grieving the loss of his sexuality (essentially??). But I mean, how could I feel any other way, in all seriousness?

Right now he fluctuates between thinking it was a great idea (so he could focus on his spiritual development without base influences distracting him) to grieving over the loss as well. He's basically all over the place from day to day: detached one moment, needy the next.

[Victoria'smom]

If he was abused as a child having sexual feeling may have been to much. I've done some crazy stuff when mixed. I had a friend who only cut at her parts regularly. I would get into a sliding scale place for therapy.

[Moose72]

Do you think theyre going to force testosterone shots on him?

[LokisIarnvidia]

He says that now he wants testosterone shots if he begins experiencing any changes. But it would be totally voluntary. He didn't do this because he wants to be unmanly. He wrote me a letter last night detailing all that was in his head at the time, but I haven't received it yet so I don't understand much more than this.
And yes... The abuse he was recalling which triggered this was sexual... in his childhood. Really horrid stuff.
He blocked a lot of it out over the many decades that have elapsed since then, but apparently developing feelings for the first time that he can recall left him completely vulnerable to these repressed memories.
Oh and I don't qualify for sliding scale therapy rates. In the eyes of the government, I am not needy. It's just that I rehab wildlife and run a little rescue out of my home, so I don't have the funds. If I feel too horrible I will seek help though. I know I'll be okay. Basically I just feel like such a failure. If my love can't stop the one I adore above all things from mutilating himself, what good am I?

[Victoria'smom]

Most clinics have non-government sponsored sliding scale. Do me the favor of calling around and finding out. I know Catholic charities does sliding scale.

It's not your responsibility to prevent/protect loved ones from their demons. That's unfair to both of you and controlling. Now encouraging him to get help is fine, forcing it is not. This is not a thing you could love him out of. Honestly I don't think you should read the letter. It is not your fault that this happen.

[*Laurie*]

I feel kind-of foolish to ask this, and I certainly hope my question is not a terrible or offensive one. I'm just trying to understand exactly what you're dealing with, LI.
What I'm wondering is, what exactly did he cut off? Was it his testicles? If so, can't he still have sex? I apologize for my ignorance.

(As a complete aside - I love that Kerouac quote. The soul-mate cat of my life was named Kerouac.)

[LokisIarnvidia]

Yes he cut off his testicles entirely and split the tip of his penis down the middle. He received stitches on his penis. Can he have sex? Well I really don't know. I mean technically he can't have sex anyway because he's incarcerated for the rest of his life. But as for whether an erection will be possible, I think so, with hormones. I've been reading about this online but it's all totally new to me.
Most of these comments have been really warm and supportive but I certainly never meant to be controlling. What exactly am I trying to control, his safety?? His emotional well- being?? Also I'm not forcing him to get help. He wants to. He wants to be well and right now he is feeling positive and determined (today, anyway).
Of course I will read the letter. How could I not read it? I didn't force him to tell me what happened. He wants me to know.
I don't mean to take these remarks in the wrong way, but you can imagine that it's a sensitive issue. It's taken me a lot of courage to talk about this at all. I can't even tell anybody that I know in "real life", except for one friend, and he wasn't supportive at all.

Originally Posted by LokisIarnvidia

. If my love can't stop the one I adore above all things from mutilating himself, what good am I?

That's not on you. No amount of love can control such things. Please try to unburden yourself from such thinking. Maybe easier said than done, emotionally, but it's true. Sending strength. You're going through a lot. Please be gentle with yourself, ok?

[LokisIarnvidia]

You're right... It's way easier said than done. I see absolutely what you're saying, and I do appreciate it very much. I know I couldn't have stopped him from doing this but I can't help thinking that if I never entered his life, he would still be fully... intact. He probably never would have carried out the precise course of action that led him to this point. But of course, I don't really know that for sure. I just always wanted to be good for him. Never this.

[Victoria'smom]

I really didn't mean to offend.

I was trying to say trying to prevent/protect loved ones from their demons . Is controlling and unfair to you.

How could I not read it? It may trigger you into a downward spiral. I really think you need to find someone to digest the letter with. We're here for you.

[LokisIarnvidia]

It's okay, I'm not angry with you. I didn't mean to take offense; it's just such a sensitive time. Thank you for the explanation of what you meant. ❤❤

[*Laurie*]

Thank you for explaining exactly what he did to himself. I cannot even imagine the pain he must have felt.

[LokisIarnvidia]

I know. He says he felt nothing at all while he was doing it. It was a completely psychotic episode and he literally felt no pain because he was so completely dissociated. It was like he was in a trance.
Now he is feeling pain though, but he's been refusing his pain meds.

[Unrigged64072835]

I'm glad he wants to get help for himself.

I wouldn't beat yourself up for what he did. He wanted you in his life, and he still does. He is having problems dealing with his feelings, and as long as he's getting help just encourage him to do that and listen to him. I hope he has a therapist that can deal with trauma and validate his feelings. I had a therapist like that and he was instrumental in getting my life together.

Also remember though to take care of yourself. Look into financial help if need be.

I love the fact that you're rescuing animals! That is so cool.

[LokisIarnvidia]

Hi all!!! Loki is doing much better this week. He's been going to groups and meeting with doctors and seems to feel much safer on a 24 hour suicide watch. He confided to me that he had been feeling suicidal but it was his love for me that caused him to self- injure instead, because he didn't want to leave me all alone. Wow. He has been really helping me deal with my guilty feelings over all of this and has never blamed me. In fact he feared I wouldn't want him in my life after this. Honestly it just makes me love him more. As a friend, of course, because that's what he wants and needs right now... A friend. It's hard for both of us to avoid romance but it was causing all these jealous episodes on his side of things. I would rather just give him comfort and support instead of highly emotional complications.
And thank you, Fhairrage!!! Animals are my 2nd greatest love in life. 😁 I devote a lot of myself to them although it can be stressful.

[LokisIarnvidia]

Hi all. I have an important yet highly awkward revision to make to our story that I've shared with you. Apparently things didn't exactly happen the way I was told. My guy DID self- injure and the damage was serious, BUT he did not castrate himself. That is to say, his testicles are still intact. This is, of course, a real relief. But this also means that he lied to me intentionally. I don't fully understand why. He feels that no one has ever felt anything for him except sexual desire. He has serious issues when it comes to sex, and even though initially he was the one who initiated that aspect of our relationship, it now seems like he is so desperate to avoid it that he would rather I believe he's a eunuch. I think it was some sort of "test" to see if I really loved him for himself.
I, of course, feel pretty awkward about all of this. I mean, he didn't have to feign his own castration to stop me from coming on to him. It's not like I'm some kind of relentless pervert. In fact I'm not an extremely sexual person at all. But I guess that's not the point.
However at least he didn't do any irreparable damage to himself. So that's good. I shouldn't be surprised that he carried out a deception of this magnitude, but I am. Initially I was pretty upset, but now I think I've made peace with it.
We continue to have trouble being "just friends", however, because he is incredibly jealous and keeps accusing me of wanting to be with someone else. (I mean, anyone else.) His fears of rejection are off the charts and he keeps trying to cut me out of his life in retaliation for speaking to men. But then he's back the next day, proclaiming his love for me or telling me that we should be friends because we need each other.
I know I'm the only person who has ever been there for him in his entire life and I WANT to continue doing so. I can hardly believe that my influence in his life would be anything but positive, because I'm always coming from a place of love. However he has trouble perceiving this or believing it... not all the time... but at seemingly random intervals.
Although I love him dearly I know I've got to distance myself emotionally from this situation because the roller coaster of emotion isn't good for my own bipolar symptoms!! I miss the openness we used to share and that feeling of unconditional support and love that we gave one another.