[Moose72]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

Poisoned with biological weapons?
What's happening, moose?


WC

Which is why they can't answer the phone. And come to think of it why Ive felt like crap the last week. Think I'll tape up the windows just in case

The anxiety med my pdoc put me on last week was a serious no go. It’s a shame bc it did take away the gnawing gut feeling, but my body went berserk: weird heart pounding, dizziness, blood pressure went up, etc. But I’ve made a few changes that are helping, like removing caffeine, getting plenty of sleep, and exercising longer. I wish I could control it completely w/o medicine.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Moose72

Which is why they can't answer the phone. And come to think of it why Ive felt like crap the last week. Think I'll tape up the windows just in case

Your starting to drift into troubled waters.

Can you call your Pdoc or T tomorrow??

Do self and fact checks as long as it takes to help you realize what is real and not.

Today SUCKS.
Everything has gone wrong left and right. You name it. I hate my f****** life so g****** much!!!! You seriously wouldn't believe if I listed it all. When I get home I'm going straight to bed. F*** it.

[Wild Coyote]

(((((( innerzone ))))))

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Your starting to drift into troubled waters.

Can you call your Pdoc or T tomorrow??

Do self and fact checks as long as it takes to help you realize what is real and not.

I came home and put on pajamas- against my better judgement. N2 went out- yet again. Every damned night. I still feel crappy. If i call pdoc see she has ignored me for like 3 weeks- meh... I have paperwork to turn in tomorrow. Important paperwork. If I sleep, They may come. With more bio weapons. Slow-acting ones so we can't tell right away. I screwed up my meds the last two days so we'll see what happens now. I think my cpap might keep at least me safe. :-(

[4psUche]

Originally Posted by yellow_fleurs

Yes, I think what you are saying is wise, and what I was leaning towards. That I must find that balance between introspection and remaining grounded and present in the world. I feel a little like I am losing my grip on reality, and a little like I am in the process of potential growth. I don't think I can make any more progress just spinning my wheels, overanalyzing alone in my apartment. Might try some meditation, reading, time in nature. I may check out that book you mentioned. I do have a tendency towards thinking about these types of things since I was pretty young, even when not depressed, so I think it could be how my mind works. Although my thoughts maybe a little darker due to depression right now. Thanks for the response.

Thank you for your response
Reading and listening to music seems to help me the most. I like that you added 'in nature' to reading. It may seem silly to those who haven't done it, but it really adds something to your reading experience (especially if you're reading something concerning the nature of the world in the first place). Idk if you write, but I've found that nature has the same effect on ones writing.
If you've always found yourself pondering these sort of things and looking deeper into what other's take at face value, then I would say it's definitely how your mind works. And what a wonderful way for it to work! We may have a lot going on in our heads (and it may be too much at times) but I feel more pity for the man that never investigates a thing and comes to all his 'knowledge' by what is fed to him through popular media than I do for the man who drives himself mad with endless unanswerable questions. At the end of it all, the former knows nothing but believes he knows something and the latter knows nothing but the fact that he cannot know anything with definite certainly--and for this, he is closer to true wisdom (this belongs to Socrates--whose ideas played a huge part in saving my life).
Beyond Good and Evil is a good book so far, but it can come off very harsh. I don't know if your episodes are easily triggered (like mine!) but if they are I'd suggest Plato's works before the symposium (where he displays the teachings of Socrates): Meno, Euthyphro, Apology, Crito, and Phaedo. They're all relatively short essays and they've helped me a lot. I do want to warn you though, the apology recounts a death. The only reason I suggest these and not Nietzsche is that I can see how Nietzsche's work could make someone who is down feel even worse (not because I think he's negative, but that it's a matter of perspective and I know that if I was down I would take what he said negatively. That is not to say that you would, I just feel obligated to warn people). I really enjoy your input as our minds are few and far between. It's always nice to find another that dares to question what they've been told about existence.
As a closing thought, I can see that we're at opposing poles at the moment and I hope you don't find my overzealousness off-putting because of that.
Always, always keep wondering!

-M

[Cocosurviving]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Saw my T Richard today. Was a good session.

I leave tomorrow for the trip to Florida to see the kids and celebrate the grand baby’s third birthday !!!

14 hours in the car is what I dread. I get totally jacked up on caffeine and energy shots to make the trip.

On a great note all the stores have all the summer stuff wicked cheap here. 4 pairs of capris 6 T-shirt’s ( hella hot on Florida) and 2 pair of work out capris. All for less the 30 !! Go me !!!!!

I’m am so jelly of you! Before being on meds I would pack in car and leave Nashville headed to Oklahoma. The trip is 10 hours. I just can not do the trip on meds. I made it once alone and I had to stop and get a hotel. I’ve never had to do that. You be safe!

[Cocosurviving]

My day was been decent. My younger daughter A her school is really into technology. They have a FB page. Last week on their page they announced students would come home the first week of Sept with information about two trips. One is a trip to Washington, DC and the other is to New York. I was really excited for my daughter. Well we get home from school and she does not beat around the bush. Basically the cost is $2,000 oh get this parent(s) only have “ONE MONTH” to turn the money. But the trips are not until next year?! I’ve let my oldest daughter borrow right at or close to $1,000. Even if she found a full time job next week. She would not be able to make enough to pay all that back in that amount of time. That’s not reasonable. Then I her dad has bills too. You can tell some in a months notice you need $1,000.
I told my daughter I did not the way her school went about this trip. If other parent(s)can swing $2,000 at the last minute great for them.

[wildflowerchild25]

I talked to my boyfriend more today after he got home from work so I feel better although now he’s not responding when I ask him about when I can see him again (it’s been about two weeks). So I don’t think he wants to break up with me anymore but I still wish he would be more responsive.

Listening to music helped me out today.

My son had his first day of school and his first swim lesson today! He loved both. I’m so glad about the swim lessons because he’s been afraid of pools for so long and I’ve been afraid to let him anywhere near water for fear he would drown. If he can learn to swim I will feel a lot better.

[Pookyl]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Saw my T Richard today. Was a good session.

I leave tomorrow for the trip to Florida to see the kids and celebrate the grand baby’s third birthday !!!

14 hours in the car is what I dread. I get totally jacked up on caffeine and energy shots to make the trip.

On a great note all the stores have all the summer stuff wicked cheap here. 4 pairs of capris 6 T-shirt’s ( hella hot on Florida) and 2 pair of work out capris. All for less the 30 !! Go me !!!!!

Have a safe trip!

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

I’m obsessing over two things today. One, whether I still have a job or not. No word again today. If I don’t hear by Monday I’m going to contact the recruiter I’ve been in touch with and ask if she’s heard anything. I hope I don’t have to wait until Monday though.

I need to KNOW. I hate waiting.


Two, I’m not sure what’s going on with my boyfriend. I texted him last night about how we don’t talk anymore and he said it was just because he works all day and then goes to the gym and doesn’t get home till 9:30. Ok I get that but is it too much to ask to give me like ten minutes of your time a day? Then I texted him that I really like him and that I don’t want to lose him and I hope he feels the same and NO RESPONSE. Nothing. I texted him this morning like I always do to wish him a good day and no response to that either. So now I’m like is he thinking of breaking up with me or what? Again if he is I’ll be hurt and upset but I won’t die. But I just want to know so I can move on with my life. I probably won’t hear from him tonight either if he’s gonna he at the gym until 9:30. I don’t know. I really do like him, I’ve been telling myself I love him for two months now, but he doesn’t seem to feel the same way. I just want to know that that’s the case.


I need closure on these two things pronto. I’ve been obsessing about both all day long. I hate obsessing. It’s tiring.

Sorry you are having to wait on both ! I don’t “ wait” well at all.

***** hugs*****

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Innerzone

Today SUCKS.

Everything has gone wrong left and right. You name it. I hate my f****** life so g****** much!!!! You seriously wouldn't believe if I listed it all. When I get home I'm going straight to bed. F*** it.

((((((((( IZ ))))))))

I’m so sorry I sure hope tomorrow is better

[Victoria'smom]

Cocosurviving- I would call the school and see if they can make like a 4 month payment plan. If you can swing that.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

My pdoc lowered my klonopin by .25 mg this week and I think I'm having some withdrawal issues. GI stuff and sleep problems. I'll live and this needs to happen but I'm kind of afraid of what will happen.

We're tapering down very slowly and she won't push to go down until I'm tolerating this dose but I'm nervous. I've been on benzos for nearly 17 years. I need off for good reasons and I have PRN gabapentin for anxiety and can use it for sleep too.

So I'm not abandoned with this but I thought I'd go lower before my body noticed.

Wrong......

[Blueberrybook]

I'm so tired this morning. Yesterday was awful. I ended up calling my sisters. They both want to help, I think, but one of them told me she doesn't know how. And honestly, I don't know either.

I think hearing a knee-jerk reaction of blame in your mom in a bad situation is not what you want to need or hear right off. First I heard it in her tone of voice and then she went on blaming me. When you call your mother in a dire situation, you want to hear comfort in her voice, not blame.

I think my youngest sister may be able to help more. I can't really talk to my sisters during the day as one of my sisters is working via telecommute since her ACL surgery, and my youngest has a 4 year old to watch. But my youngest sister's husband is a band instructor and also the music minister of their church. I have talked with him before with worries, and he is very good about it, only telling my sister things I told him he could disclose. Of course, speaking with him would have to work around school, maybe a Saturday.

Both my sisters can help with the budget, I know as they are both on one.

I realized yesterday I only got & planned dinner recipes through Wednesday and that is frustrating meaning I need to come up with more meals. However, writing this sentence occurs to me that I have all the ingredients to make cheese quesadillas since they are so simple. So at least I have dinner tonight.

I hope for a better day today.

Guess who's a dumbass and left their meds at home before going to work? ME.

I like to stuff them in my backpack and take them when I'm in the parking lot at work because I don't want to get any weird side effects when I'm driving. (And then of course I bring my meds with me into work via my backpack so that the heat in the car doesn't kill them.)

I would just bring 1 bottle with all 5 of the pills I need to take, but people around here have been getting pulled over by K-9 units and the canine/dog sniffs out drugs too well.

Next time I'll ask the pharmacy for duplicate bottles like I used to before. Then I can bring the dupes with me with a single pill in each one.

But God am I a dumbass. I threw away my old bottles, too, so it's not like I can use those empty bottles!

Now I'm literally hitting myself in the head (in the bathroom where no one can see me) and I want to slam my head against the stall to inflict major pain to punish myself for my f*** up. I also screamed, somewhat quietly, and sat on the floor yanking my hair. But it is only 7:30 and no one gets here until 9:30 or 10.

I don't know how I'm going to get any work done today if I can't concentrate.

Originally Posted by bluebicycle

But God am I a dumbass. I threw away my old bottles, too, so it's not like I can use those empty bottles!

Now I'm literally hitting myself in the head (in the bathroom where no one can see me) and I want to slam my head against the stall to inflict major pain to punish myself for my f*** up. I also screamed, somewhat quietly, and sat on the floor yanking my hair. But it is only 7:30 and no one gets here until 9:30 or 10.

I don't know how I'm going to get any work done today if I can't concentrate.

Sometimes I just zone for the day. Rarely does anyone notice.

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by bluebicycle

Guess who's a dumbass and left their meds at home before going to work? ME.

I like to stuff them in my backpack and take them when I'm in the parking lot at work because I don't want to get any weird side effects when I'm driving. (And then of course I bring my meds with me into work via my backpack so that the heat in the car doesn't kill them.)

I would just bring 1 bottle with all 5 of the pills I need to take, but people around here have been getting pulled over by K-9 units and the canine/dog sniffs out drugs too well.

Next time I'll ask the pharmacy for duplicate bottles like I used to before. Then I can bring the dupes with me with a single pill in each one.

But God am I a dumbass. I threw away my old bottles, too, so it's not like I can use those empty bottles!

Now I'm literally hitting myself in the head (in the bathroom where no one can see me) and I want to slam my head against the stall to inflict major pain to punish myself for my f*** up. I also screamed, somewhat quietly, and sat on the floor yanking my hair. But it is only 7:30 and no one gets here until 9:30 or 10.

I don't know how I'm going to get any work done today if I can't concentrate.

I'm so sorry about that. I don't work, but I have forgotten to take my meds with me while be out of the house all day, and it really sucks if they are things like anxiety meds. Sorry about the breakdown you had in the bathroom.

[Blueberrybook]

Ugh, my husband reminded me before he left for work that we are having foundation work on our house today. Really when they build houses in this area, they should be put on blocks because they pretty much all get foundation issues, causing things like not being able to shut a door properly; my daughter's bedroom door swings open, and you have to put a pile of books behind it to keep it closed.

After the company looked at the house, they told us it would be an all day job. The good news it that the foundation repair and adjustment came free with the house from the previous owner, and at that time they gave lifetime warranties for the lifetime of the house to adjust foundations for free. They are probably kicking themselves for doing that now, and they have probably stopped the warranty or lessened it for newer houses. I think this will be the 3rd time they had to come out here. However, before it was only partial house adjustments, not full house ones.

Christina, I hope you have a great trip!!

Awww, blue.... (and wha? K9 units? What, for car pullovers or at work??)

Today is better so far. Then again, I've not even been up 2 hours yet and am just about to get off the bus...

[Moose72]

I called and talked to my case manager at pdoc's office. Seeing her this morning. And dropping off the dhs paperwork. Later going to make fudge with n3. Mmmm....

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Innerzone

Christina, I hope you have a great trip!!


Awww, blue.... (and wha? K9 units? What, for car pullovers or at work??)


Today is better so far. Then again, I've not even been up 2 hours yet and am just about to get off the bus...

IZ !!! I sure hope you have a much better day !!! Sending you good vibes and hugs !!

Today is all about packing and rechecking things over and over I’m so OCD about it , hope I can sleep this afternoon before we have hit the road. Either I will or I won’t , I don’t stress much about that part.

It’s so odd ( thanks Facebook for reminding me ) that for the last 2,3,4 and 5 years ago we have left on the same day LOL non of this was ever planed.

Zooooom zooooom

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

IZ !!! I sure hope you have a much better day !!! Sending you good vibes and hugs !!

Today is all about packing and rechecking things over and over I’m so OCD about it , hope I can sleep this afternoon before we have hit the road. Either I will or I won’t , I don’t stress much about that part.

It’s so odd ( thanks Facebook for reminding me ) that for the last 2,3,4 and 5 years ago we have left on the same day LOL non of this was ever planed.

Zooooom zooooom

I hope you have a good trip! I have been so-so with reading posts lately. Is this a vacation trip? How long is is it?

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by Innerzone

Christina, I hope you have a great trip!!

Awww, blue.... (and wha? K9 units? What, for car pullovers or at work??)

Today is better so far. Then again, I've not even been up 2 hours yet and am just about to get off the bus...

I'm glad you're having a better day so far. I hope it stays that way for you