Sick to well to sick

I have an almost 18 year old HS senior. Bi-polar, anxiety and severe OCD
My wife and I do everything in our power to accommodate him. We love him
I have Bi-polar disorder, anxiety and minor OCD

I had been feeling quite well for a couple of weeks which is a rarity. Last night, a small thing set off our child. He threw a bottle of pills all over the floor because someone put the lid on the bottle. I guess his OCD didn't like that. I asked if he was going to take them from the floor. He took exception to that and threw a banana against the wall and began shouting. I tried to remain calm...in his tirade, he spit. All over our table including our dinner. When I, still sitting and trying to remain calm, tried to reason with him, he went ballistic and began threatening me, hollering, and went as far as to pick up a glass bottle to hit me with.

My wife and daughter were holding him back at this point. I wanted them out of the way so that I could take care of the problem. My way may not be the right way, but I can't just sit back and let him do these things.

At this point, I become irate and scream, holler, and begin to hit and break things. My daughter is upset, my wife is upset, and my son goes upstairs. My wife says that she diffused the situation, and that my 'tantrum' is out of line.

It always seems that when he goes off like this, I'm always the one in the wrong. I'm not trying to whine here, but I have issues of my own. He exacerbates them. This is not the first time. I think I'm sort of the scapegoat because I'm the easy target. My wife and I end up at each other's throats, my daughter is extremely upset, and I'm ready to do bad things to myself. I'm really in a no win situation. I'm really hurting right now.

Your going to have to sit down with your wife and make a plan for how to handle his outbursts, with consequences because he can not behave in real life like that. It sound like you need family therapy. What is your son's goals after high school. Job corp maybe an option if college is out but staying home isn't an option.

I agree on the family therapy. I was going to suggest that.

You all need to sit down, together, with a therapist to talk about what's going on. I'm sure it'll be an uncomfortable thing to do, but I personally think that's the best way to handle the situation, especially since your son is 18 and almost ready to leave the nest. He needs help before he lives on his own.

I personally would have the same reaction as you. I'd have a "tantrum," as your wife calls it. But she is right that having that reaction doesn't help the situation. The angrier you get at each other, the worse the situation gets. So maybe if your son does that stuff again, you could call your wife and walk away (if possible) if you know you can't handle the abuse toward you. But a therapist, even if you're in a 1-on-1 therapy environment, could really help teach you how to diffuse such situations. Your son is a trigger and you need help to cope with those triggers, even if he is 100% at fault. But again, I'm in the same boat and I 100% understand your situation.

This sounds like a very tough situation to deal with.

I agree with the suggestion of family therapy and I hope it is a viable option for you and your family.

In the meantime, maybe think about some strategies which might help to defuse the situation when it becomes escalated?

My heart goes out to you.

WC

I'm not sure what else to try except to maybe get him inpatient on a 302. We have been working with a Family Based program. They send clinician(s) to your home 2 days a week to work with the whole family. They have been great and have given us some good advice and provided insight into what they think is going on here. They have helped my wife and I understand that we have to be a united front and not Oppositional. I worry about my daughter and what she sees going on around her. I can't imagine how it affects her.

I worked from home yesterday because he is extremely depressed and won't get out of bed. He is in bed with the covers over his head this morning so I will be missing work. He's extremely depressed, and it is a special occasion (his 18'th birthday). Depression and a special occasion are a dangerous combination and I'm worried he may try something stupid.

I feel like I've failed him. He won't let me in to know what's wrong and I feel helpless. Despite what goes on and how he acts, I love him dearly and just want him to be happy. I feel like a **** father.

As you can imagine, this is a huge trigger for me, and I'm trying to deal with my Bi-Polar disorder as well.

Does your son work or go to school? I had a difficult time raising my son with a lot of angry outbursts and it is true that things slowly got better when I learned to control my own reactions and not feed the cycle. Sometimes that meant withdrawing from the situation in the moment. Does your son see a psychiatrist?

Family therapy is a great idea. In addition, I strongly recommend checking nami.org, check Find Support, and find out if there is a family support group in your location. NAMI support groups are usually extremely helpful and informative.

I don’t have any ideas, but wanted to add my best thoughts to you.

That sounds like a tough situation. I relate to this family dynamic, it was similar to sister and dad growing up. The family therapy sounds like a great idea. Also wondering if anyone has anyone recommended DBT for you and/or your son? Wondering if it could help you both. Or something similar?

Thank you all for your support and kind words.

My son is a senior in High School. He had a lot of trouble with classes last year...couldn't handle the structure. He did some legwork and found out that he was eligible to do his coursework online. He is still in school and takes some classes in person, but does most of them online (at school in a separate room). He did very well last year and is continuing with the same plan this year.

The NAMI group sounds like a good idea and I'll check into that.

DBT-we started in a research study, but transferred out of it to do the family based program. We may well go back to the study.

It's really hard to keep myself in check when he lashes out. All of his anger and aggression is directed towards me (I'd rather have it towards me than at his mother or sister). Life is tough. No way around it. I just want it to be tolerable. I want there to not be tension in my house all of the time.