Here goes... gut spilling

Ok. I am SOOO anxious about this. (Please do not move this thread, I need "my" fellow BP people at this time.) I will try to be as concise as possible. Not easy.

My T does know of this, but other than that, no one knows a thing. For two weeks now, and it NEVER STOPS in my head. I am in a no-win situation.

I have both T and med appointments next week. TG.

Here goes. My BF, whom I have lived with for almost 9 years, cheated on me. Online. While I slept, he watched a bunch of porn, then decided to join a hook up site. To the tune of $70, which we definitely do not have to waste. He immediately started chatting someone up, trying to set a hook up for the next day when I would be at work.

When I woke, I came out to the living room and he very quickly diverted a page. I was, of course, immediately suspicious. What the hell is this?! I read the whole conversation. Out loud. I was FURIOUS.

**A very important thing to know is that this past year he has had serious medical issues, which I have devotedly attended to like a saint (seriously). AND THIS IS HOW I AM REPAID.

I said as much. And told him we're done. I will not tolerate being disrespected like that. (He has had questionable communications before and I have had issues with some of his unrelated behavior as well, but this was so concrete and in my face, it was very much the last straw). I switched the computer and "his" phone to a new password (I pay for everything, therefore the quotation marks). He can call 911, his doctors and me. That's it. No internet.

That very night, he had yet another 911 ER episode (more fun for me being up all night before having to work after all that went down!). Upon release from hospital next day he tries to distract me with sex. A couple more days later and he gives me some load of crap story ending with how he didn't have any intention of carrying through. YEAH RIGHT. I read it and can assure you that, "Oh btw, I'm actually in a long term committed relationship and I was just kidding" was NOT where that conversation was heading.

A week from the incident, I am going over my finances and discover, get this.... he used MY CARD to do it!!!!!!!!! O.M.G. (He tried to make like that number "just came up". More like there was nothing in his accounts, so he just stole mine.)

I started to look for someplace to live.

Complicating factor #1: money. I can't afford it, though I am trying. (Only looking for a room, nothing fancy and in fact found a place I think would be good, but I can't swing it yet.)

Just stay and kick him out, right? Not so simple.

Complicating factor #2: he is scheduled for a second spinal surgery this Monday. They are incapacitating.

We have no friends or family to help in such matters. (His dad is a 4 hour drive away.)

Soooo, if I leave, I look like a "monster", abandoning the helpless and income-less. (Also, the bed is mine.)

To not leave is to say I have no dignity whatsoever.

FML

My true feeling is that no matter what happens, he CHOSE it, in all its phenomenal stupidity. They're called consequences.

I am cordial (yes, really) and do not want strife (my divorce was 100% amicable). I just want to get on with my life. But it doesn't look possible yet. And so I feel very, very trapped. He has a whole bunch of Cluster B attributes, so I can't see this being drama-free. Unfortunately.

Virtually no useful conversation has occurred because he's been "sleeping" pretty much non-stop since. Avoidance much? He wants the whole thing just glossed over and forgotten. (Not going to happen.)

I have been thinking about calling his dad. Just to give him a heads up, as he has no idea (and it would fall back on him including financially), but the idea terrifies me. His dad and I have always gotten along. He KNOWS how devoted I have been through thick and thin. But BF loves to lie and would undoubtedly make up some nonsense that would paint him blameless and me as a witch. So partially, I also want to avoid that. And say been nice knowing him and referring to him as "FIL" all these years. Any advice on calling him?

I guess I'm just also wondering if there's some insight/solution that's staring me in the face that I just can't see.

Sorry so long. It's a mess. How can I bear to keep paying rent here and providing everything and waiting hand and foot on someone who has no clue what respect means? I am really, really hating my life right now. TG for meds, or I'd be a serious mess (and at some moments, still am).

Wow. I'm so sorry you are going through this. But, you absolutely can't stay. He's your boyfriend, right (I'm awful with abbreviations). You seem like a very nice and caring person to want to take care of himself while he is recovering. But don't. He needs to see the consequences of his actions and the longer you wait the harder it will be because he will do whatever he can to manipulate you into staying. Is he a narcissit? I know that term gets thrown around loosely, but he sounds like he truly might be.

As far as your financial situation in moving out. Are you willing to find a roomate to help lower the cost of lving? Do you work? If so, can you secretly save money to get you ready to move? But, don't under any circumstances sleep with him again and cancel your credit card and get a new one.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. He's a real jerk and you deserve more.

You don't deserve this. I don't know if there's a way to fix it. I'm sorry it's all so effed up. You can feed him stuff he hates the whole time

I am so angry for you. I really respect your self control. I would have gone off the rails in “burn this whole place down” fashion.

Oh dear. I am so sorry you are going through this!

I think I'd tell him to leave.

I might also contact FIL, just as you had written.

Surgery? Well, your BF knew his surgery was coming up and he did this anyway. Why should you continue to take care of him? He's not looking out for your welfare.

I know it's a very difficult time. I am SO VERY SORRY he chose to do this.

My heart goes out to you!!!


WC

(((((( Innerzone ))))))

Had to leave you a big hug!


WC

OMG, I am so sorry you are going through this And I thought my life was messed up.

I'm still dealing with racing thoughts, and even if you posted it, I can't remember. Are you currently living in your place or his or it is a place you co-signed such as an apartment rental? If it's your place, I'd get the lock changed and kick him out, and if you need help paying your living expenses, you might have to bite the bullet and get a roommate to help with funds. If you are renting, can you go to the owner and plead a case for late rent, just say something like you can't live with your roommate any longer because of a disagreement, and you need time to find another place and/or roommate?

I would definitely cancel all your credit cards, your debit card, checking account #, etc. and get new ones. If he might know your PIN number or a password you use, change them as well. Even a user name, and that's ironic, I had people here just days ago telling me to change my user name on everything. I'm sure it would be overwhelming to change passwords and user names on everything, but you should do it on important online things like your email account, paypal (if you have it), eBay, Amazon, any stores where he might possibly get in and spend your money before you are able to cancel your credit card or cards (not sure if you have just one or not ) and your debit card.

Second, and I know it's not a good thought, if he's sleeping around, God knows how long he's been doing it or how many people the person he's been sleeping with has been doing it. I'd get myself tested for STDs pronto.

And if he has to recover from a very painful surgery on his own, let him. If you are still technically living with him while he is recovering from the surgery, do you at least have a friend or know someone who even if it's terribly hard to ask, might possibly take you in even if it's 4 hours away? Or do you have a job there and are stuck in your area? Or maybe call a friend (more yours than his) and ask if they know anyone in your area who might take you in? If he has to go live in a rehab center after his back surgery, just tell him & his doctor/doctors you simply cannot take care of him post-surgery, and if he needs a person to take care of him, he will either have to get someone else or go to a rehab place until he is well enough to live on his own. Make it very, very clear to the doctor (and I'd do this via phone if you have the doctor's number and not go there with him or even alone the day of the surgery) that you are not going to be responsible for him post-surgery, and he has to decide what to do about it. He made his own bed; now he has to lie in it.

As for calling his dad, that's a tough one, especially if he's a person you have liked knowing. But I wouldn't. Not just yet. Maybe at some point in the future when things have settled, but not while things are ripe and hurting.

You definitely DO NOT deserve to be treated this way by your BF and especially not after taking such good care of him after a major surgery. My husband had to have back surgery, and while that might not have been as painful as his surgery or my post-ulcer surgery, it is hard to care for someone after surgery, and I had a 1 year old to look after as well. It wasn't easy, and I knew my husband wasn't cheating on me and is a great dad. I couldn't imagine taking care of a cheater. Maybe he will have to call his dad for help, though I suppose he could spin the story the other way and say you were the cheater.

I feel so bad for you

I'm so sorry you're going through this. You didn't deserve any of it. I hope you can save up to move out and move on with your life.

Thank you. Yes, BF stands for boyfriend, though it feels uncomfortable to refer to him as such now. You are right, he would try to manipulate me. Manipulation is, let's say, in his wheelhouse. You are also correct that he is a narcissist (covert type). I agree that term is thrown around loosely these days, but he's textbook and I've known it long before this. Sociopathic too, peppered with borderline drama. He's a poster child for cluster B. (Not just my opinion.)

I am saving every penny and working all they'll give me (here now on a Sat.). Unfortunately a roommate is not possible as I'm only looking for a room. Around here, a room (like 10x12 kind of size) runs about $600. Most houseshares are with 20-30 somethings, and I'm 55, so not as likely to get picked. I've found a place that is similar to a dorm and I want it so bad, but don't have the upfront cash to get in.

I do work, but it is minimum wage and part time (I told them I want to increase hours at least for awhile). I definitely cancelled the card! Fortunately that was easy AND I got them to reverse the unauthorized charges.

I will write more later as it is time to get working...

Yikes. This situation is no good. What he did - and did using your credit card! - trouble, trouble. It's easy for me to say...but, given his history, I expect that as soon as he recovers from his surgery he'll be right back with the porn, hook-ups, and so on. This cannot end well for you.

In California the law says that anyone (even if the person has not paid rent, ever) who has stayed in a home for 3 months or more (received mail there) cannot be kicked out. An eviction notice must be served by the person who allowed the other person to stay in the home. Not only a difficult and miserable situation, but potentially dangerous if the one being evicted is prone to violence. So I don't know what the law is in your state, but you can easily check it out on google.

Feed him? Lol, we'll see about that. Thank you.

This made me laugh, thanks! I was slightly ballistic upon both revelations and for the first time (yes, really) said right to his face, "**** you!!!!" But other than that, nope.

Thank you. I'm mentally working up an angle or two, neither of which is ideal, but desperate times require desperate measures.

Lunch break winding up, will write more later...

Yet another hug--

(((((( Innerzone ))))))

What a heart-wrenching situation.

Sending vibes of strength and peace.


WC

Thanks, WC. I'm disinclined to kick him out because it would go nowhere. Also, I'm inclined to have a fresh space for myself, though there is much I like about this location (though there are some things not so much!)

The call to FIL is terrifying to me, though I suspect it will be overall positive. I don't really want this to land on his plate, but I have to remember that's beyond my control. I can't sacrifice my dignity for this.

Ha! You are so right! HE chose to do what he did and the time in which he did it. Not me. It was profoundly short-sighted (among other obvious things). Really, the timing couldn't possibly be worse on his part. Not my problem.

Well, break over, will write more later...

I don't have any advise to give but just wanted to express my sympathies for what you are going through right now, Innerzone. Maybe he was counting on you not kicking him out because of the present situation. It can be hard to tell sometimes whether someone is short sighted or just have their own unique way of viewing the universe.

Thanks, tecomsin. My money's on him assuming he wouldn't get caught(!) Have his cake and eat it too and all that. He really does seem to delight in deceiving people. It is something that has bothered me for a very long time.
You're right in that he probably figured on me being a pushover either way given the situation. And alas, I HAVE been a pushover far too many times...

Thanks, BBB. We're in an apartment that is month to month. We've been with this landlord for 5 years now and actually keep an eye on things for him. Honestly I'd probably just tell him straight up what happened and give notice for myself. I only have a debit card, and cancelled it straight away. I've always been pretty tight with sensitive info. Justified trust issues. STDs, God let's hope not! But yes, valid point.

I have a job and need to stay within bus accessability. There is one person that I can ask about possibly taking me in while I try for something longer term. I really never wanted to deal with moving again (unrealistic, but...) and that would mean 2 moves, but such is life.

The thing about informing them that care would not be provided is something my T said too.

I think you are right in holding off on the dad call just yet. I need to know that I have someplace first I think. Him calling his dad is one reason I want to call. I absolutely loathe being misrepresented.

Sigh. What a mess.

I dated someone who was a pathological liar. He would lie about what he had for breakfast. He'd lie for no reason at all.

People with the 'dark triad' of personality traits will often push the boundaries of acceptable behavior. I don't know if anyone really understands why they do this, or even if there is a 'reason' in a conventional sense. That was my last relationship and although it was difficult and painful to get out of I am so relieved not to have to deal with all the bs all the time.

I hope you also find peace.

Thanks, Laurie. I think you are right, it would not be good for me. It already hasn't been in so many ways. (tecomsin, you nailed it!) This was just the last straw, you know?

Interesting on the law. I don't know what it is here, but I don't want to have to deal with any of that, which is another reason it is just easier if I move out. God knows I've been left holding the bag more than enough times. Violence has not been an issue. Vengeance might be another story. I don't know, but I'm quite anxious about it. I just want it all to be over and settled, but we are quite a ways from that point.

I’m pretty much speechless tbh.

I agree with most advice given.

It takes massive rabid monkey balls for him to pull horrible shyt like this.

Work to secure another home I think would be first and foremost

Good damn I hate your going through this !!!

Mass hugs for you

"Massive rabid monkey balls"
Thanks, Christina. (And the laugh is much appreciated. )

Wow, that's terrible. You don't deserve that kind of treatment. I don't know that I have any good advice, but I just really feel for you and hope that you can get out of the situation quickly so you can move on with your life and not give him any more of your time.

I wish I knew what to say but I don't. Thinking of you and hoping for a fast and painless move.

Can you have him leave or would you not be able to afford it?

I can scarcely afford it now, as he contributes almost nothing. (Yeah, I know...). It'd be WAAAAY harder to get him out than for me to move. Especially as he will be incapacitated, and completely unable to move things himself.

On a related note, I just set up to see a room tomorrow. We'll see!