My Mind is Spiralling Out of Control

Hello wonderful people,

this should be quick. As you may have read I was discharged from IP last Thursday. I am having maintenance ECT starting this Thursday. My mood has really picked up (most of the time, except when it dives into a hellish mixed state) and I am positive, motivated and very chatty. All sounds good on the surface but every day my thoughts get more and more out of control in speed, content and general experience. I feel like I am living all my life in one moment. It is wild. My brain absorbs everything my senses take in, process it and take it as far as I can. This is so hard to explain.

I am taking Lorazepam and Seroquel as prescribed and am seeing my T and pdoc on Wednesday. ECT Thursday. I am just wondering if anyone else has had their brain go on fire like this. Nothing seems real, yet everything seems more real than real. This goes beyond the hypomania I am used to. There is also a dark undercurrent that flows in and out of me. What is happening to me???

((((Wander)))) I'm sorry this is happening to you. Hopefully your T and pdoc will be able to help you.

I think I get what you're saying. It's like smashing a jawbreaker. A thousand layers just broken in half a second.

Do you feel like the only person experiencing this?

It reminds me of when I felt like the only person who could experience an entire lifetime in a day and that I had some sort of "responsibility" for the human race, because they couldn't understand.

Do you get any grandiose ideas?

I’ve never experienced this but wanted to show my support. It sounds like it might be worth a call to your pdoc or tdoc to give them a heads up. It’s good you are seeing them on Wednesday. I hope things smooth out for you soon.

This reminds me of derealization and/or depersonalization.

(((((( Wander ))))))

Sorry you are having a difficult time.
I hope you get some relief soon.


WC

I feel for you, Wander. I do believe that I understand entirely. I experience what you're (so well) described fairly regularly. My pdoc insists that I have repeated mixed-state episodes. When I read "I feel like I am living all my life in one moment", I quite literally got chills. I don't know that there's anything to help (at least, nothing has helped me when in that state - certainly not medication, and most certainly not Seroquel, BUT we must, of course, bear in mind that each of us reacts to meds as individuals).

Will you be having ECT for depression episodes, or is it given for BD as a whole?

That's a lot like how I feel in a full psychosis, where everything is at once. I know I'm not in control and I know I'm in trouble because I feel that way

I feel that way a lot too. I'm guessing it's a mixed state.

Hey Wander, how are you?

I certainly feel unique and have grandiose thoughts and beliefs but the way I see it is that if I can see this I’m ok. I love feeling every single thing in this life at one moment. It is magical.

Yeh, I think it is a bit.

Thanks. The ECT is for the mixed features. I got very suicidal so I’m guessing the main base is depression with hypo/manic symptoms on top. I swing from hell to heaven and back each day.

Thanks for asking. I’m really not sure. Sometimes I think I’m improving but looking back when able to think clearly(not a strength right now) I see symptoms all over the charts. The last two mornings I have woken very early very depressed and agitated. Yesterday I shot up and had an extremely productive day with my Mum who rarely leaves me side. I talked her ear off and cranked up the music loud in the car. My mind was spiraling out of control. It was very uncomfortable. I felt the same sensation of the feeling of experiencing everything in the universe at once but this time I had to hide it from my Mum. Upon returning to my parents house later that day I took Seroquel at my Mums constant urging. This calmed me down and even sent me into a restless nap.

Later I had two beers. I think this was a mistake but I craved them. Although I went to bed early last night I only slept 4-5 hours. Again woke very depressed and agitated. Today I see my T and pdoc so hopefully I will be able to communicate successfully my experiences and get some advice. Tomorrow is ECT so I guess that will help. I’m flying and I’m drowning. Managing to stay safe. Just having trouble keeping my feet on the ground.

Please keep us updated.