[ReRe54]

I am not sure if this is the right place for me to write. If there is another forum for this please let me know.

My spouse is bipolar and also has OCD. I actually think I might be bipolar as well but that is not why I am here. I need help or information on how to be a better spouse for him. (We are a gay married couple).

We have been together for ten years - married four years this coming April 2019. I knew he was bipolar when we met. I am ok with it. I just feel like I am making things worse for him.

For example The other day we went Christmas shopping. We got to a mall that we had talked about going in to get an A & W footlong, people watch (we like doing that) and shopping. My husband was driving. He literally drives around the parking lot TEN TIMES.....pulling into different parking spots he then decides not to stay in that spot for whatever reason: it is too close to the other car. The next spot there is a car when we get into it that has a smashed in door. He then decides that he does not want to park there due to the fact they probably won't care if they hit our car door when getting into their car and thus moves on to find another spot. This went on for quite a while after the tenth time I yelled just ******* park the car or let's just go back to the house!

I don't usually act like this but, it got to me. We find a spot. He says to me "You know that my mind does not work the way yours does. You know I am like this. You need to work with me. I am tired of being treated this way. It has been ten years of up and down and I am tired of it." Things have not been the same since we went shopping.

We have not had it easy these last ten years. I have been unemployed for three years now. I got hired three times this year and each of them fell through not because of me but because of changes in the workplace. (layoffs, funding, etc) My family fights us continually about being gay and married - his is supportive. The list just goes on and on but not worth getting into here.

I am feeling like such a loser. I love him so much and life without him would be terrible. I did not realize that he felt I was treating him badly about the bipolar or OCD. I know we are under a huge amount of stress. I know we love each other. I just need to figure out how to NOT explode like this again. I need some advice.

Does anyone have any thoughts about getting information to help me or any suggestions or ideas?

Thanks,

ReRe

Hi ReRe,

I'm no expert on OCD, but the parking story you wrote about sounds like it may be more of an OCD thing (see below) than a bipolar issue. If at the same time he acted elevated in mood (see below for a list of hypomanic/manic symptoms), then maybe that intensified the situation? One disorder can be exacerbated by another sometimes. Life stresses add to it, as well. He should talk to his doctor, or maybe you could join him for a session?

I have bipolar disorder and it helps that my husband is a tolerant type loving person, and impertubable, for the most part. But he is human.

The urge to yell at an out of control person is always there, but learning more effective and deescalating tactics is best. How knowledgeable about his disorders are you? You know about them, but have you done a good amount of research on them? Have you attended a session with him at his psychiatrist and/or therapist's office? Knowledge helps improve understanding. Just as he needs to learn coping skills for his disorders, you need to learn some for handling, helping, tolerating his.

Have you considered therapy of your own? You write that you believe you may have some mental health issues. You could seek help as a spouse at the same time you discuss your issues. Plus, maybe a therapist would help you cope with your situational challenges, like your job losses and your family's acceptance issues. I can imagine you have a lot of stress because of all of these things. Surely your husband does, too, at least to some degree.

OCD: Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD)

Hypomania: Hypomanic Episode Symptoms

[Victoria'smom]

It sounds like an ocd thing. My husband has ocd and some days he just can't leave the house it's so flared up. It sounds like your husband was trying but he was way to stressed. I understand your frustration and yelling. I really believe in therapy for both yourself, your husband and couple that are all in the same practice that talk to each other. At the very least both you and your husband should be seen in the same practice NOT the same therapist. If you think you have mental illness please get evaluated. If you do have mental illness it needs to be treated to have a healthy relationship.

My therapist has told my husband several times if he keeps doing X I will leave him and not bat an eye about it. Remember you are not his treatment team your his husband. You suck at being his treatment team. You can be supportive but you can not replace his therapist or psychiatrist. You may want to sign a statement saying you can talk to his therapist and psychiatrist in case of emergency.

[Nola0250]

Your husband sounds like the OCD is pretty bad. Is he medicated? If not I think he should be evaluated for that. Both of you need to work on getting your Mi under good control to preserve a healthy relationship. Just my 2 cents.

[ReRe54]

Thank You Bird Dancer, Miquel's Mom, and Nola - all of you give great advice. He does take meds for OCD though right now I am not sure what it is called. We just went to see his psychiatrist the other day but, this was before this exampled happened. I think I should make sure I spend some time learning more about this. I deal with DID but he does not know about that. I have thought it was too much for him to deal with. Every time I take one of those online tests about bipolar I always pass it with flying colors that I have it also. I guess I need to talk with my doctor about it. I know I am not OCD though and all of you seem pretty sure this was an OCD issue and not bipolar. I need to read up on this stuff more. I have studied it in the past but, it is totally different when it is part of your own relationship. Thanks for the advice. I really do appreciate it.

[~Christina]

Great advice given.

Having a T ( therapist) is a good idea for you both but separate T’s ..,

You should be able to be 100% honest in Therapy and you won’t if you know it could be available to your spouse to know every detail.

Regardless of being in a loving relationship it doesn’t mean people need to be 100% transparent. We all have things that belong mentally just to ourself.

And a having a different T for couples counseling would be helpful.

I also agree the parking was a OCD issue.

You will find lots of support here.

[Victoria'smom]

I notice when my husbands (hypo)manic his OCD flares up as well as he starts studdering again. I really think you need to get yourself evaluated and receive the help you need.

Originally Posted by ReRe54

My husband was driving. He literally drives around the parking lot TEN TIMES.....pulling into different parking spots he then decides not to stay in that spot for whatever reason: it is too close to the other car. The next spot there is a car when we get into it that has a smashed in door. He then decides that he does not want to park there due to the fact they probably won't care if they hit our car door when getting into their car and thus moves on to find another spot. This went on for quite a while after the tenth time I yelled just ******* park the car or let's just go back to the house!

I am feeling like such a loser. I love him so much and life without him would be terrible. I did not realize that he felt I was treating him badly about the bipolar or OCD. I know we are under a huge amount of stress. I know we love each other. I just need to figure out how to NOT explode like this again. I need some advice.

Welcome to PC ReRe!

Dealing with family and unemployment is stressful and can really test a marriage. Been there. Finding a job and limiting contact with unsupportive family members will help. I hope you find another job because a good job (one that you like and do well at) can really boost your self esteem and having an income gives you a lot more resources to deal with your problems. Keep searching for another job. Does your spouse work as well?

Since you have been married ten years, if you think about it, you know many of the situations that cause discord between the two of you. Could you do the driving instead of your spouse? Yes, yelling is very damaging to a relationship (and if you feel impatient in other situations such as at work, that's not good either ) so you need to figure out how to get that under control. Perhaps medication, therapy or just a long talk with your partner including a heart felt apology?