[-Astral-]

manic want to drink want to **** and want to die

[Blue_Bird]

3 hours sleep, wide awake now

Originally Posted by -Astral-

manic want to drink want to **** and want to die

(((((hugs)))))

how you doing at the moment

and what are you doing

doing okay.

went shopping yesterday and came back with what I needed plus a whole lot more (the lady at the till said I might as well have taken the entire store) which I found amusing.

tried fruit smoothies yesterday which I love, (orange and mango especially), something new to add to my diet.. always good

not doing anything today. just relaxin.

might see what tv shows I have recorded I can watch

Doc decreased my Trileptal (I think he wants to taper me off) and started me on Depakote. Tonight I'm going to see if I can fall asleep without getting high.

[Moose72]

Hi all! My christmas has been sort of all week long. My sister's family is in town since about a week ago. Çhridtmas itself was great but very busy. I think we had 25 people! Family and friends. Then the rest of the days we've just been going back to my moms and hanginh out.

As far as presents go, we picked names out of a hat through the extended family. That means we only had to buy one present. That all went well. I got tthe biggest box! Lol. Its a "smart tv"! It plays youtube huluu and netflix. It would play cable too if the cable would reach up to my bedroom. However, my ftiend peter got my a dvd player yesterday! It plays dvds, cds, rewritable dvds and cds. It just doesnt play blueray which i kind of wish it did but it has everything else so im ok with it. I gave out shortbtead, chutney and calendars that my fwb printed for me at work. They have a pic of my kids that I took on. Xmas.

Last night we watched old videos from when the kids were little. I got shown. Boy was I thin! This had to be prebipolar. Sigh.

I hope everyone had a great holiday!

It's sunny, and all of a sudden I have a strange desire to see the ocean. Hubby wouldn't go for that, though. It's almost an hour drive to get there and it's not exactly warm outside in the low 50s, but there is something beautiful about the shore in the winter. Totally empty of people.

[scatterbrained04]

Feeling very low energy today. Had gotten up around 4am but went back to bed around 9am and dozed a couple of hours. Have been sick with a cold for the past week. I may need to go to the doctor if my chest congestion doesn't get better in a few days. I had needed to go to the grocery store today, but I think I'm going to put it off. Have a Christmas gathering at my dad's this evening, and then one at my mom's tomorrow. Think I'm going to just rest until I have to leave later.

[beauflow]

Been ok, been busy- been -- idk what this
by 09:30am I had laundry, clean up and what I do post dog sitting completed. It is a bit of a ritual for me, and I can't imagine what I feel like if I did not.

I was going to leave after this, but realized how long the dogs would be alone-- and I don't like the idea of the dogs by themselves hours on end (like it would had been more than 6 hours if I had left, I just don't like that idea).. So I decided, to go get breakfast to go- come back, eat and hang out a bit before departing... I am planning to leave soon though.

My ex, my friend above all; I got scared - there is a lot to this than what I want to post-long story short- His brother has been having a hard time with a custody issue, there are fears that the parties involved will do something irrational. there is also just so much with this.

Yesterday My ex had not heard from his brother all day and neither their parents had heard from him, his brother also did not show up to either meet ups or contacted any one of why. It concerned me and my ex on this.

My ex decided to travel last night to his brothers- I offered to go, just as support; but my ex said he would be ok. I asked my ex to let me know how things went- or if he needed help.

I had not heard back from my ex, so I waited till about the time my ex would be up to start trying to reach out; reached out on both of his phones and no answer... he finally answered a bit ago. So much relief- my mind can go into bad places some times.

I was about to pack up and go to see if he was at home (we live in the same complex and I have a key to his place if incase of emergency as he has with my place)..... then go from there if he was not home and continued to not answer my calls or texts (i.e. try to call his brother, his parents and etc, feed his cat even went through my mind and how to handle that if needed).

Just so many thoughts, plans of what to do- and what if's. Was even preparing mentally if I had to make a missing persons report and laying out a time line.

Just being Neurotic , but not TOOO Neurotic - I did not blow up his phone with 20 messages lol... kept reminding myself, I just do not know and every bad horrible thought, was countered with I simply did not know... kept busy though. which helped.
I am glad he is safe, I will see him soon.

[Scooter9]

I've been getting sores in my mouth from Modafinil for the past month or so. It's really painful, so I lowered my dose a little today to find out if it will help (from 300mg to 200mg). I'll inform my pdoc next week.

I was hoping to increase my dose soon since Modafinil has gotten me out of a deep depression I've been in and I was hoping to get back to my baseline. I guess that's out for now.

I'm still feeling low and low self-esteem and feeling guilty are still issues. But I guess meds can't help with those last two things. I feel guilty about my relationship with my sister years before her death - it's something I'm learning to cope with.

This past year was not good. Hoping 2019 is at least a little better. If not better and least I hope I'll be strong enough to weather whatever comes.

[Wild Coyote]

Still messing with Lamictal, slowly tapering downward, hoping to find a dose I can tolerate. I have found it very sedating.

Could use a second AD. Will likely have Wellbutrin added once the Lamictal dose is sorted out. (Am already on Celexa.)

Used to feel more hopeful when I was younger. So much time has passed now, there's just no way to make up the many losses due to the frequent and severe depression, the pain, etc. 30+ years of disability.

Very overwhelmed by life. Depressed and in pain. Just want a warm place to hibernate. Forcing myself to get out of bed and to stay out of bed for several hours; it's difficult because I have a very strong desire to go back to bed and rest, watch tv, etc. I am feeling very inadequate.

I hope others are having an easier time.

Love to All!

WC

[Aurelius710]

I'm up and in front of a computer attempting to do research for a term paper that I neglected in the midst of a depressive episode. Professor was kind enough to give an extension. That legitimately would have been unheard of at the beginning of December, given how depressed I had been.

[Unrigged64072835]

Think the cold bug is starting to pass, thank goodness. Meds and lots of water helped.

Been a quiet day, except for picking up a few things to go with the colored pencils I got for Christmas. Good thing because my husband is still feeling rough.

Take care, everyone.

[Tucson]

I am here. I have gained several pounds. Back on a diet again. My daughter is doing ok for now. She used to treat me very poorly, but now she has swung the other way. She is treating me pretty good. I am trying to begin cleaning my house starting with the kitchen. I guess one step at a time.

[TheSeaCat]

I am tired; is it too much to ask for one day where I can sleep in and actually do what I need to do for a change. I was awoken to a phone call at 8:30 from my former workplace regarding my poaching of one of their physicians; basically it was a meeting where my old boss could sling insults and try to make me give up on what I wanted. I don't back down when I want something; not to mention a lawyer was present during the meeting. In the end I got what I wanted and I don't have to wait for the boards decision; he is officially a part of the group. I am so happy that I was able to sit through a meeting with people that really did hurt me. My T was so happy when I told him I didn't have a panic attack.

However right now I am without a primary doc since there is so much to do before he can officially start seeing patients. I also realized that with my insurance changing in January that I could actually see a Pdoc since one is bound to accept this insurance which leaves me with conflicting emotions; I should at least try one more time; but at the same time I'm stable on my combo and don't want someone else meddling in my medications. I also need to see a dentist in early January I have got a wisdom tooth bugging the crud out of me.

I am so excited for my date with M on Monday; my dress looks great on it's so sparkly and perfect for New Year's; my shoes are nice without killing my feet all night and my clutch fits my giant phone so everything worked out for the Party.

Hugs to everyone

[Sunflower123]

I had a very nice Christmas with my family and I love having my daughter home. Feeling really depressed the past few days and like I want to be left alone to nest, journal and reflect. This new AD my pdoc has me on isn’t doing squat.

I’ve just about finished my goals for 2019. I don’t call them resolutions. There is a difference (to me). I completed about 60% of my goals for 2018 so I’m pleased. I’ll try for a greater percentage this year.

I am looking forward to New Year’s Eve. I only splurge on my favorite alcoholic beverage on special occasions (champagne) and this is one such occasion. I’ve been invited out to a huge NYE party for years now by friends and they finally wore me down. I accepted this year.

Going to see Aquaman and out to dinner on New Year’s Day with a group of people. Should also be fun.

Sending hugs and supportive vibes to all.

[pirilin]

My old body hurts all over.

Shall I have known that living hard would have adverse consequences later in life..........................I would have done it anyway, hahaha.

Cheers.

[Blue_Bird]

3 hours sleep Thursday, 4 hours Friday, and 3 hours tonight

[Moose72]

It's 4 am and n2 never came home. She left the night before last. I called her last night and sshe said she'd be home but she wasnt sure when. We are supposed to eat mickey waffles at noon which she knowse but whether or not she'll be there on time I don't know.

angry depressed

I don't know if I have bipolar or not (I'm leaning toward no, but will discuss with my therapist on Wednesday), but I feel a lot better now that I've stopped taking rexulti. A LOT better.

I've been getting 7-8 hours of sleep a night now as opposed to my "usual" 9-10. I didn't think that rexulti sedated me, but evidently it did if I'm sleeping less without it. I'm NEVER taking an antipsychotic AGAIN. They destroy grey matter in the brain and I don't even need antipsychotics anyways because I've been fine without them. I don't have any "symptoms" that need to be alleviated by an antipsychotic.

I've changed my mind on lamictal and have decided to take it, though, but only because it's my pissy pill. It's the ONE thing that calms down my pissiness so that I'm not lashing out at everyone. And I wish I didn't have to take my Lexapro, but I ALWAYS vomit when I go off it, as well as get anxious and start crying. I've tried 5 or 6 times to get off it (mostly on my own) and I always wind up back on it for those reasons.

Otherwise, doing ok. I hope everyone has a good New Year's Eve and New Year's. I'm not doing anything special on either day, except going out to an Indian restaurant with my mom. I can't do Chinese on New Year's because we tried that last year and it didn't work out. We put our order in at 10am and when it was supposed to be "done" by 5, it wasn't done. We waited until 6 and it still wasn't done. Then we said "f_ck it" and left.

[tecomsin]

I was having intrusive thoughts early this morning so am back here, and back thinking about my meds and whether I need to up my APs. I had a very rough day with my son yesterday, but at least it ended well, with him in my sister's rental car on the way to a skiing trip in the US Rockies. So he will have a good time and also be out of my hair for a week. At several points during the day he was shouting at me that I was a 'cruel person'... So it was kind of hard to take.


On the other hand the house has started to feel very alone sometimes without him here.
I have kind of lost my appetite but still have some weight to lose. At least I am back in the 10 pound range I give myself as 'normal' and not to fuss over. But I could easily lose 5 more pounds. It will also help my metabolic profile, which is pre-diabetic the last time I was on Olanzapine but normalized after I got off it. I am back on it now because I havent' been getting enough sleep. I have black rings around my eyes when that happens and just feel tired all through the day.

[Blue_Bird]

Possible trigger:

having thoughts of wanting to die. I feel amazing but at the same time I wish I could sleep, if I was dead I wouldn't have to worry about that it wouldn't be a problem anymore. I feel like a dead person anyway from lack of sleep, I certainly look like one now. I'm doing things that I haven't done in a long time (several years), hypersexual etc wanting to drink and shopping sprees. I feel like a bad person for this. I'm terrible. I love life but I feel like a mess, a hyped up zombie..I'm not sure if that makes sense..

[wildflowerchild25]

I’m feeling out of sorts again today. I felt great yesterday. Had a great night with my in laws and RS. But today I’m just feeling blah. Maybe I got too much sleep. I slept for almost eleven hours. I don’t know. All I know is I want to curl up in a blanket and sleep the day away. I’m supposed to go to laser tag with RS and his cousins and I absolutely don’t want to. RS also has tickets to a light show at the local amusement park which I hope he didn’t pay for because I don’t want to do that either. That’s outside and it’s cold today. I hate being cold. I’m not trying to stand around in 40 degree weather. But he said we didn’t have to do that.

At least I got my son to do some of the cleaning for me. Since it was mostly his mess anyway I don’t feel too bad about it.

It’s cloudy and cold today and that could be affecting my mood. It’s aupposed to rain all day tomorrow too. But Tuesday it’s supposed to be 57 and sunny so I’m sure I’ll feel better on Tuesday.

Sigh.

I've noticed some sloppiness creeping in, procrastination etc.. Full disclosure, I've been "forgetting" meds sometimes. Part of it is insurance, I'm stretching them out, but not sure it's actually a good idea. Yet I keep doing it.

And also under wth is wrong with me, and confessions....I've been missing my exBF lately. I know know know that that relationship is not good for me! It's a good thing he doesn't have access to a phone. Keeps me from saying or doing anything stupid. To combat this thinking, I've been trying to think of more things to write on my list of all the things that were bad. The "no hoovering" list. I MUST hoover-proof myself!

My stomach's a bit off today. Was hoping to tackle some stuff I didn't manage Friday, but it's making me procrastinate on getting out to do them.

Lots of Thinking of everyone and hoping those struggling and feeling poorly feel better soon.