I swear to god

If I have to get back on this rollercoaster I ****ing QUIT. I’ve been depressed for ten days now with each day worse than the last. Those of you who know me know how fast I deteriorate. Monday I called out of work. Today I had a panic attack in the parking lot because I couldn’t face going inside. I eventually did and did manage to make it through the day so that is a plus. But I have two more days to make it through.

So my only hope was seeing this new pdoc today. I wanted him to raise my lamictal because it’s the only drug that’s helped for depression besides emsam. Well he won’t because depakote and lamictal interact with each other. I knew that but i figures because my other pdoc didn’t seem concerned it was that big of a deal. This new pdoc doesn’t agree. He raised my haldol again back up to ten mg. And he DID prescribe emsam for me. But here’s the issue. I have to be off the trazodone for fourteen days before starting it because of the risk of serotonin syndrome.

So what the **** right. Emsam might help but I can’t try it for two weeks. In the meantime I will not be getting enough sleep which will cause me to decompensate even faster. And in two weeks, even with trazodone and sleeping ok, I could be in absolute and total hell. If I follow my usual pattern I will be. I can’t get in to my old pdoc until Jan 22. I don’t know if she will raise the lamictal like I want. Wtf do I do.

I’m terrified of falling into this trap. My life is actually GOOD right now and this could ruin it.

All my options are bad. Basically I have to wait two weeks for anything. I’ve got to keep myself together for two weeks. I’m so scared. So, so scared.

I’m so sorry this is happening to you. I don’t have any words of wisdom but wanted to offer my support. I hope two weeks fly by and you do better then expected.

That must be so frightening for you. It’s so hard to predict how episodes may play out. It sounds like you are doing all you can to prevent a severe episode so there is hope you will avoid it this time. Keep posting. We are here to support you.

I’m gonna get rid of my trazodone and leftover Tylenol 3s I have. I’m also going to get rid of the self harm implement I got last year. I need to make my house like a hospital. I might give my meds to someone, I don’t know. I’m panicking here. I’m so scared I’m going to lose my job and my relationship in one fell swoop.

Will your pdoc prescribe something for sleep during your two week wash-out period? I know some sleeping pills are ok with Emsam; I know I've had Lunesta and Ambien with it.

I don't know much about getting through that period; I started Emsam IP so I tapered my AD to a very low dose at home over 6 weeks then went IP and had one day off or something like that and then started Emsam. It was incredibly difficult but safer for me.

Thinking of you

I am so sorry, lady. Hoping and praying things don’t get worse and that you are able to hold on.

Please make your house as safe as possible. Can someone watch your son for a little so you can concentrate on you?

Oh hun

Proud of you for clearing out your house of harmful things. Yes get your meds out of reach except for a few days worth at a time.

You can manage this , day by day just focus on getting through tomorrow then focus on the next day. Don’t think weeks that will tumble you into a worse hell.

You CAN get through this , you have been through far worse , try to remember that k ???

Much love and support

I hate waiting for things. in my experience when you're waiting for something, time goes really really slow (maybe because I'm just so impatient and want it to happen now)

we're here for you though and their's no limit on venting here. if you need to talk you do it

Hugs!! It sounds like your doing all the right things..hope this turns around for you soon

I wish I had the right words to make it all better! We're here for you

I’m much calmer today than I was yesterday. I still left work early but I’m not in quite as much despair as I was. I talked a lot to RS about it and he ended up coming over and sleeping with me last night. It was very comforting to fall asleep in his arms. He promised me we’re going to get through this together. I still don’t trust him fully but I hope in time he will prove himself and keep his promise.

I’m holding out hope that maybe the extra haldol will help with the depression. When I lowered it to 5mg I felt slightly depressed for a few days so maybe raising it again will help. I don’t know.

I’m still worried. But I know I will get through whatever comes. No matter how bad it gets I always make it through. And that’s what I have to hold on to. The tides will change. And then change again. And then change again. Just the nature of the illness.

Thanks for all your kind words and for dealing with my panic. I appreciate it!

Yes! This!
Sending much your way. You can do this. And you know we'll be cheering you on through it.

Hi, wildflower. I know how it feels to be desparetly waiting for a pdoc appointment. It sucks.

Just seeing this.

I am glad RS is there for you.
We are here for you, too.

I hope you can hang in for the two weeks.
As BeyondTheRainbow has mentioned, maybe the doc can give you a sleeping med for the interim?

keep posting if it helps.
Please stay safe.

WC

Hope you feel more confident each day forward.

I'm glad you seem to be doing a little better today; the best thing to do with depression is to just take it one day at a time.

I am so glad to see that RS came over and held you last night; I totally understand about not trusting though but he seems like a wonderful guy.

Just remember to take it one day at a time and remember that we are all here for you.