[cashart10]

Took my meds for the evening a while ago. Sleep doesn’t seem within reach. I sense a very odd and unacceptable trend in my sleeping habits and mood. It’s beyond anything I have experienced at least in recent years and it has left me disconcerted. I currently want to curl in a ball and cry. The emotions are pouring out of my chest into streams of chaos. My life feels so overwhelming and I feel a considerable let down. It is simply intolerable. My poor kids, especially my 11 year old who actually picks up on everything, don’t deserve a sick mom. I feel extraordinarily defeated.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

How'd it go IZ? Did stealth mode work?

What is the internship in? I'm sure you've said but my brain hasn't been very focused the last few weeks. Sorry.

[TheSeaCat]

Hello everyone; I hope everyone had a good Thursday. I had a pretty decent day; work was busy and we had the new receptionist start so she was mine to deal with showing her around the office and getting her up to speed of how things are. It's so weird to think that in May of this year I was a receptionist and now I get to train them and I'm a boss. It feels strange somedays to think of what happened to get to me to where I am.

After work R and I had a very enjoyable spa night at a spa. That was the best facial I have ever had; my skin is healthy and glowing not to mention its very nice to just hang out with R and get pampered.

M and I are really good he's just so wonderful and charming I am so falling in love with him. Every time I see him I just light up.

Hugs to everyone

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

How'd it go IZ? Did stealth mode work?

What is the internship in? I'm sure you've said but my brain hasn't been very focused the last few weeks. Sorry.

Thanks. Well, I did talk briefly with one person. Stayed an hour and a half. It's a workshop situation (you didn't miss it, I hadn't said).

How is it going for you?

[Daonnachd]

Leaving for ECT momentarily. I may not check back in until tomorrow. There's no telling how I'll feel afterward.

[Aurelius710]

Started work yesterday. Kind of a baptism of fire considering they threw me up front to take orders (alone) on my first day in the middle of a very large lunch rush. But I made it. I survived. Ha ha!

At any rate, have class today and a very short shift at work. After that, I've got a bunch of errands and then I get to see First Man at the university. Relatively eventful day!

[Scooter9]

Just finished a job interview. I started a new job back in November but this job I interviewed for is in an industry I'm really interested in, plus it's a little more money so that doesn't hurt.

I think the interview went well. I'll find out the result next week.

I think I'm ready to put the book I've been working on for sale. I'm going to list it at Amazon and I'm making it free for a few months. It's a big step and I'm glad that I can take it.

I'm still depressed, feeling lonely and insecure but I have to work on that. I think I've gone as far as I can with meds helping me a little with the depression. I think the rest is up to me.

Sending hugs and warmth to those that need them! It's a balmy 5 degrees here today lol but it's sunny!

today it has been snowing all day- and it's been really nice (I love the snow)

I've been having some greif with my alexa and that's been making a little depressed/ angry (actually I want some stuff I can't have because I don't have a phone that supports the alexa app).
I struggle with that, because for me when it comes to owning something, it's using it for all it's intended purposes, or nothing at all
I had takeout pizza today which was nice (even though it was filling, too filling for me)

no sleep last night. partly because of the imsomnia but also it was too hot. heating was turned up way too loud.

seems this weather has 1 drawback

you either are too cold or too hot

their's no in between

[Under*Over]

I wonder just how sick I actually am.

Today flew by. I didn't do much this morning beyond making hubby's breakfast and lunch and website rounds.

I wanted to drive to the grocery store to pick up a few things, and decided to order a Babaganoush sandwich for take out for lunch. I ordered it from home so it would be ready when I got there, but when I went to start my car, the battery was dead. The combination of super cold weather and me rarely driving my car is not a good one for my battery. Normally my car is in the garage, but it hasn't been because of some deck work we had done. Lumber has been in our driveway.

I called the Middle Eastern restaurant to cancel my sandwich, but I think he had made it already. I felt bad, but what could I do? He said that if he had another staff member they would have delivered it, even though they don't really offer delivery. I couldn't walk there. I mean, I guess I could in the past when I was in good shape, but not now, especially not in 20 F weather. I apologized a few times. Oh well! I'll try to push hubby to take me there this weekend to make up for it.

I made a whole bunch of meatballs. I'll have some tonight with spaghetti and sauce and freeze the rest. Spaghetti and meatballs are one of those meals that I really crave on occasion.

[~Christina]

Finally !!!!!!!!!

No more dripping all the faucets. Maybe I can actual relax enough now to not get up every couple hours to check everything.

Otherwise on the Bipolar front , I am not impressed..... I’m mildly depressed but agitated. Not full blown mixed. I’m hoping to skip that messy part.

Have a great weekend.

Finally did the consultation for my nasal surgery. There is no set date yet since the doctor’s secretary was out today and will have to call me back to schedule it. But hopefully when the surgery comes around, everything will go smoothly. Should be no external incisions according to the doctor.

Wish my displaced left nasal bone could be fixed, but they’re not gonna do it because insurance will reject it. They’re just going to fix my deviated septum and reduce the size of my turbinates since they are the primary causes of my inability to breathe through my nose.

Otherwise, doing ok. I think I need to beg my pdoc for an extra Ritalin dose because I literally can’t concentrate once it fully wears off. I just lay in bed staring at the ceiling, occasionally looking at my phone. I just force myself to sleep by 7 or 8pm every night because I have nothing better to do since I can’t concentrate on something as simple as reading. I’m at that point now where it’s just about worn off, and now I can’t pass time by via reading or whatever. I just read one or two sentences of my book, then have to reread them a couple of times to understand them, and this is with me reading a SIMPLE book with SIMPLE prose. I feel like an idiot. Or maybe I am one. Tough to tell at this point.

[pirilin]

Alive. Bored. Iced. Cranky. Hurting. Tired. But I can't stop laughing.
Remembering what I told the staff at the operating room.

"You people should learn sign languaje. The chit chat bothers me."
The butcher stopped the stiletto, and like for ten seconds, life came to a stop.
Then he said in a very meek voice: "we can play some music."
"That's a great idea". I said.

There were more of my "comments", specially with the anesthesist.
"You know you can kill people." "And I can save lifes too".
"Good comeback." Then we fought for the time of my meal, amount of anesthesia, etc.
I can't forget La Bruja got a heart attack from too much anesthesia.

More later. I can't see nor I'm supposed to have my eyes open.

Cheers.

[yellow_fleurs]

Had a pretty good day overall. Mood was brighter, and was excited about my work projects. Felt motivated to get stuff done. Have some plans to paint with a friend this weekend. I am no artist, it is just for fun.
Unfortunately I accidentally triggered my OCD thoughts by stumbling across an article. Now my mind is off in nightmare land so I am not feeling too great and my productive plans for this evening are just out the window. Trying to avoid asking for reassurance from friends since I know it makes things worse, but really wish I could :/

Also thinking hard about trying medication for hormones or a mood stabilizer. I think if I could skip the 1/3 of the month terrible mood it would help me stay on track and keep a forward motion going. It's just too up and down for me so I am getting discouraged treading water. All in all I have still made progress from how I was doing before.

[~Christina]

Enjoy your painting ! Sounds like fun with friends.

Sorry your OCD popped out ... hope it goes the hell away ! It’s so hard to not get triggered over it

Is there medication that can help you avoid monthly problems ?

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by bluebicycle

Finally did the consultation for my nasal surgery. There is no set date yet since the doctor’s secretary was out today and will have to call me back to schedule it. But hopefully when the surgery comes around, everything will go smoothly. Should be no external incisions according to the doctor.


Wish my displaced left nasal bone could be fixed, but they’re not gonna do it because insurance will reject it. They’re just going to fix my deviated septum and reduce the size of my turbinates since they are the primary causes of my inability to breathe through my nose.


Otherwise, doing ok. I think I need to beg my pdoc for an extra Ritalin dose because I literally can’t concentrate once it fully wears off. I just lay in bed staring at the ceiling, occasionally looking at my phone. I just force myself to sleep by 7 or 8pm every night because I have nothing better to do since I can’t concentrate on something as simple as reading. I’m at that point now where it’s just about worn off, and now I can’t pass time by via reading or whatever. I just read one or two sentences of my book, then have to reread them a couple of times to understand them, and this is with me reading a SIMPLE book with SIMPLE prose. I feel like an idiot. Or maybe I am one. Tough to tell at this point.

I had no exterior sutures everything was done internally. My Turbinates where the main problem that prompted need for surgery. They fixed my septum and shaved off a small area of bone.

My advice buy some bags of frozen peas. You will need them, and follow every single post op care. I wasn’t allowed to bend over for 3 weeks. No blowing your nose as that can blow out the surgical work. Just follow them to a T and it will heal correctly. You will feel much better once it all heals.

[Wild Coyote]

Reading when I can do so. Thinking of everyone.

Otherwise,

Love to All!

WC

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

Reading when I can do so. Thinking of everyone.


Otherwise,


Love to All!



WC

thinking of you

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

Reading when I can do so. Thinking of everyone.

Otherwise,

Love to All!

WC

I’m so glad you checked in although I’m sorry you are having a tough time. I’ve been worried about you. I hope you feel better soon.

[yellow_fleurs]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Enjoy your painting ! Sounds like fun with friends.

Sorry your OCD popped out ... hope it goes the hell away ! It’s so hard to not get triggered over it

Is there medication that can help you avoid monthly problems ?

Thanks ~Christina! There may be an option to take a mood stabilizer of some sort half the month. I was considering lithium. My doctor prescribed me hormonal BC, but I got too scared to try it because last time I tried a different one it just made me feel bad the whole month instead haha. I suppose I'll never know until I try, though.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by yellow_fleurs

Thanks ~Christina! There may be an option to take a mood stabilizer of some sort half the month. I was considering lithium. My doctor prescribed me hormonal BC, but I got too scared to try it because last time I tried a different one it just made me feel bad the whole month instead haha. I suppose I'll never know until I try, though.

We are all just lab mice on a squeaky wheel!! Sucks ! Hope you find some relief soon

[Under*Over]

I feel like even though Im trying to keep *it* together and keep functioning the longer I go the more cracks appear and I just am so afraid of being half broken.

I am less afraud of being broken all the way. But if Im half broken then Id be aware of my own brokenness and that... seems more cruel than just being fully destroyed.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I found out today that my father has a fair amount of confusion and I doubt he remembers what I said to him (or that I was there) so I can stop worrying about that for now. I guess he mostly remembers simple stuff, like who and where he is but those are things they work with him on every day. So something complicated like my 5 minute talking to him probably was lost and while I wish he knew some of it the part I probably shouldn't have said should remain a secret.

He will be going to a nursing home next week. I'm kind of sad about that because the case manager at the hospital has been so incredibly kind and helpful. I'll be sending a letter to her and to her boss about that. It's a tricky situation and she was totally non-judgmental when she could have been.

I hate that this is how he'll live the rest of his life. They'll keep trying to get him off the vent and do therapies with him but it doesn't sound like he's doing great at any of that. I also know that he probably fights every minute he can. It's just sad that anyone has to live like that. I hope that he isn't suffering and that being in a nursing home doesn't make him suffer as he has been quite paranoid about his living situation for many years (from what the neighbors told the guardian) and he was very isolated for 20 years. He never would have loved a nursing home, few people do, but his temperament is really anti-nursing home and he won't be released from there as he wasn't successfully living in the community.

This is so confusing.

[Under*Over]

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

I found out today that my father has a fair amount of confusion and I doubt he remembers what I said to him (or that I was there) so I can stop worrying about that for now. I guess he mostly remembers simple stuff, like who and where he is but those are things they work with him on every day. So something complicated like my 5 minute talking to him probably was lost and while I wish he knew some of it the part I probably shouldn't have said should remain a secret.

He will be going to a nursing home next week. I'm kind of sad about that because the case manager at the hospital has been so incredibly kind and helpful. I'll be sending a letter to her and to her boss about that. It's a tricky situation and she was totally non-judgmental when she could have been.

I hate that this is how he'll live the rest of his life. They'll keep trying to get him off the vent and do therapies with him but it doesn't sound like he's doing great at any of that. I also know that he probably fights every minute he can. It's just sad that anyone has to live like that. I hope that he isn't suffering and that being in a nursing home doesn't make him suffer as he has been quite paranoid about his living situation for many years (from what the neighbors told the guardian) and he was very isolated for 20 years. He never would have loved a nursing home, few people do, but his temperament is really anti-nursing home and he won't be released from there as he wasn't successfully living in the community.

This is so confusing.

This sounds really tough and I just wanted to say sorry you are going through it.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Thanks Under Over. This has been really hard and I doubt it will get easier. Medically he isn't likely to live a long time but he was also expected to be taken off life support and pass quickly a week ago and instead he woke up a couple of days before the paperwork was through. So what happens next is impossible to predict. He's at extremely high risk of having another huge stroke and his heart is in bad shape too. But what that means in reality is anyone's guess.

It's just a sad situation and I wish I could be more involved than calling the nursing home to check on him once a week.