[Ffcamo95]

I have had a really tough life struggling with bipolar disorder. I was only diagnosed 3.5 years ago at the age of 26. Everything had been an insane roller coaster before that. I had struggled so many times with school, sports, and my social life. My mother was diagnosed in her 40s after several suicide attempts and she has it really bad with a host of other problems, but she is stable now. It does cripple her to the point that she is mostly a homebody and does not work at all. I have inherited some of these traits, but I can work kind of.

I have been blessed besides the bipolar thing. I grew up always being taken care of and always had everything I ever wanted or needed. I graduated with a whole bunch of degrees in the math and sciences and engineering also having completed grad school. These schooling experiences always had a semester or two that were really bad especially my last semester or grad school. I had a huge breakdown when I realized I needed a psychiatrist to help me because of how bad I was doing. Well no I’m would see me because I was in a city with a massive school and I couldn’t find a single doctor that was taking new patients until like 6 months after I realized I needed one. I checked myself into the ER one night saying I had to get help and this was the only way. Of course I went into inpatient care and, well was diagnosed from there as being bipolar and have been treated since.

I have now moved on to a “great” job for the last year and 9 months. I have excellent pay and excellent benefits. I have been incredibly stable until this last year. While everything about my job is “great”, I do not like it. I don’t like it because I feel like it is not at all what I had expected it to be. Before this last year I had been great and then boom all down hill from there. I have been working on my meds with my doctor but it has just been getting worse and worse and worse.

My boss has been aware since the beginning that I am bipolar. I have been very upfront with him about it all. I have been able to hide it and maintain it for a while but the last 4-6 months it has become obvious. I was pulled into my managers office and he started off with “You are not in trouble or anything” which immediately made me think “he has noticed”. Well he has and listed off the reasons and said he talked to HR about it just to see how he could help me out better as a manager because he “cares” about me. He’s a manager he has to do and say stuff like this I’m sure because he also mentioned my coworkers are “concerned” about me which I know is not true. The upside is that he said my work has been great, but it’s more my demeanor and connecting with my group that has started to be off. Moving on.

I have not yet met with HR, which is the next step. I don’t know what to tell them except that I have been struggling. I don’t know if they would know what I should do besides typical HR stuff from their HR manual and script. I clearly need to figure out something for myself though so I can get back to being better at work. I know my boss mentioned FMLA to get help and I am sure that HR gave him that idea but I cannot afford to go on FMLA and I don’t think that would be good for me anyways as it would throw me out of any routine. I also do not see the reason since my work is technically fine. I can’t completely afford to go on FMLA either since I bought a house. I am worried though that they may make me by using the almighty powers of HR.

My concerns are that I have ruined my career by this because I ask myself... I hate my job and I want to move on from it, but how can he ever be a reference for me unless I get it together and work there for another 1-3 years as a model employee? I feel like this would make things worse down the line. I feel like there is a hole I have gotten into and I am worried I am becoming like my mother where I won’t be able to work because my bipolar with general anxiety disorder has become so bad.

Living where I am now leaves me with no support group. My family and friends are hours away and my girlfriend I refuse to talk about this stuff with. I have not a single new social friend here since I’ve moved. I don’t want to talk about this stuff with anyone close and I know people are going to say that I should, but I can’t and won’t so please just let that be.

My boss has said that he is right down the road (I bought a house 5 mins from his apparently) and that I can reach out to him if I ever need to. What does that even mean? How can I reach out to him about anything? He is my boss not my friend so it feels like he is just saying that to act like he “cares”.

Have I ruined my career? What do I tell HR without doing more damage to myself? How do I get help so that i can function normally at work at least and not be like my mother so I can make money to support myself and my family? What do I do and where do I go from here? I need help.

I am sorry this is all over the place and long winded but my mind is all over the place lately.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Ffcamo: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to Psych Central. One additional forum, here on PC, that may be of interest to you would be the work & careers forum. Here's a link:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/work-and-careers/

I don't know as there is a lot I can suggest to you with regard to this. Reading your post, the impression I'm left with is that you have a job you hate, you're living where you have no support structure, & things are starting to go badly at work. So I would have to say this sounds to me like one of those proverbial "perfect storms".

I'm not an expert with regard to any of this. So anything I write here is just my personal opinion. However my impression is, first of all, that your employer may well be laying the groundwork for getting rid of you. You should be cognizant of that. Second I would suggest that, given your mental health issues, living where you live with no support structure may simply not be realistic. You know... there's what we imagine we'd like to do in life, & what we perhaps fantasize we ought to be able to do, & then there's the reality of what's actually workable given the realities of our situation. One can, perhaps, push the boundaries a bit. But there is a limit. It may be you're simply too far outside of what you can tolerate at this point in your life given your mental health concerns.

I know you're feeling as though you need to hang in with your current employer for another year or so & be a model employee so that you can get a good reference. But given your circumstances, I wonder how realistic that is. The cold hard reality may be that your employer is looking to show you the door as efficiently as possible. And, if that's the case, having that occur will definitely not look good on your resume. The good thing here, it sounds like to me, is that your employer hired you knowing you had a diagnosed mental illness. So I would presume you may have some protections under the Americans with Disabilities Act. I would think you would definitely want to consult someone who has expertise in that area (an attorney?) regarding what your rights are in this situation.

You mentioned not wanting to talk about your situation with anyone close. I personally would never recommend that anyone do that. My personal opinion (again) is that one's friends & relatives don't really want to hear about this stuff. They'll put up with it for a longer or shorter period of time depending on how important you are to them in their lives. But they have their own problems & they don't know what to say or do about yours. That's why, although I've never had much luck seeing therapists myself, I think it can be benefical to see a therapist because, since you're paying them for their time, they're going to be willing to listen. Plus, assuming you have or can find one you feel comfortable with, they'll have the skills to help you work through the details of your situation. It is true, I believe, that having the opportunity to talk things through with someone in real life can be a great comfort.

You asked if you've ruined your career. No I seriously doubt you've ruined your career. I do think it's going to be very important that you avoid falling into that kind of catastrophic thinking. You have a lot of years ahead of you yet. But it's possible you may be in a precarious position at the moment. There is a danger here that, unless you find a way to take the bull by the horns so to speak & get out in front on this, you may find yourself in a position where other people (your boss, HR, etc.) may make your decisions for you. And, ultimately, the company you work for (including your boss & HR) is going to take care of itself first.

Anyway... these are my thoughts with regard to your post. I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

[wildflowerchild25]

I just wanted to take the time to welcome you to PC. I have no words of wisdom. I lost my job to bipolar last year. I was able to find a new job with much less stress but a huge pay cut. But that’s what I have to deal with in order to ward off another episode. Less stress = less money for me.

I would agree with skeezyks in saying try not to catastrophize. It’s hard but try not to let your thoughts get the best of you. Consider therapy if you don’t currently have one as I think you would benefit from having someone to talk to IRL about these issues.

[Pookyl]

Your boss sounds nice. My last manager was nice also. Unfortunately I don’t know what will happen to your career. It really depends what area you work in and how stable you are. I lost my career 4.5yrs ago (in healthcare).

I definitely agree with the above posters that a therapist may be a good idea to look into. They could possibly be the ear you need and someone to help you decide on next steps. Actively seeking help generally looks good to an employer. Not, not as much. One need not go into details beyond "I appreciate your feedback and am seeking help/assistance to feel better".

I also agree that you try not to catastrophize. Many people experience hard times (even non mental illness related) and get through them. Though I imagine why/how you look at your mother's situation as a possibility for you, it does not have to be.

It's impossible for me to really know what is going on in your boss's mind, I agree more with Pookyl that your boss sounds nice. Based on what you wrote, I do not feel inclined to think they want to fire you. Just the opposite. I think they likely really value you. Again, I can't be sure. I only know that I was in an even rougher situation at my last job and recognize that their intensions were more good than bad.

If things get really harder, is it possible for you to work part-time at your job for a bit?

Twenty six is still very young. Please don't let yourself think great possibilities may be over at such a young age. I'm in my mid-late 40s, and I don't feel that way about my situation. Even if my path is different from this point on than I thought it would be at 26, the path can be a good and productive one. Based on what you wrote, you've already achieved a heck of a lot at your age. Know there are almost always going to be pauses, hiccoughs, forks in the road, etc. in every person's life.

Welcome to PC. We're happy to be here for you as a kind of support.

[Ffcamo95]

To me it seems like they are not looking to get rid of me as I do really well with my technical work in an efficient manner. Its just our company policies and whatnot I am breaking unintentionally due to the bipolar depression. I didnt even notice this was happening until he brought it up that 70% of my last 3-4 months were days that I was working late or coming in late (we have a band of hours in the morning and afternoon where you can have a flexible hours as long as you are in for core hours). I guess it has been me abusing the policy and having a very "all over the place schedule". It just makes me feel like my boss could see me as unreliable in a physical appearance way as in me being where i need to be at the time I need to be there. I am sure HR is going to talk to me about not abusing policies and that I need to get into a routine.

I have had a really hard time trying to get into a routine. I don't know how I can do this, but I think it would be good for me. Wake up in the morning, go to work, go to the gym, come home and do home related things then rinse and repeat.

All in all maybe I am overreacting, but having conversations like this at work makes me think all the worse things. I am a hard worker but I do not want to disappoint anyone. I hate when people who are not close to me say they are worried about me or are concerned. It just makes me feel like a failure.

Honestly I wish there was something like AA for bipolar people where you could have a sponsor that has gone through the same type of things with being bipolar. I wouldnt use my mother because she is too close to me and has way more other things that make the "relating to" a little difficult. I knwo I wish this type of thing, but I have also been told that bipolar people sticking together in a relationship like that can make things worse if one or both are having extreme mood swings.

Anyways, thanks for the responses. This is my first post here and I would like to at least be part of this community. I think what is being done here is a good thing for helping myself and helping others. Thanks again everyone.