Trigger warning: suicidal thoughts

past couple days ive been having bad suicidal thoughts. if i call my pdoc the receptionist will push out my appt like always because they want me to die. i feel so hopeless and lost. i dont know how i would do it but im brainstorming. better than being brainwashed. what to do?

Aw. I dont think they want you to die- I think they probably just dont realize how bad it is! Do you have a therapist? Might be a good idea to call/email them?

No therapist. Maybe going to group depending on how I feel later if I want to drive or not. Almost got in an accident twice in the past two days because I'm a ****ing irritable idiot.

I should also add that I'm supposed to have ECT tomorrow but might cancel it because my ride doesn't want to drive in the snow storm we're supposed to have.

I'm sorry you are struggling with these suicidal thoughts. This is a struggle I am familiar with as well. I don't really have anything in the way if useful advice to offer you. I just wanted to let you know I read your post... & I wish you well. Here are links to 2 of DocJohn's articles, from PC's archives, on the subject of suicide that perhaps may be of some help:

Suicidal? Don't Throw Away Your Shot

Suicidal? What Van Gogh's Life Can Teach You

My best wishes to you...

I don't understand why they would push out your appointment? Like schedule it for later if you tell them you feel suicidal? You said you feel irritable, too. Do you think you are in a mixed episode or something? I am concerned about you and if you are thinking up ways probably you should see someone sooner than later. If you cannot keep yourself safe and cannot get an appointment quickly you might need to go somewhere for emergency treatment. Maybe stress to your psychiatrist's receptionist that it is urgent?

Keep yourself very alive. If for no other reason, that there most be many, just to screw 'em up.

Nobody calculates the trauma left behing by a suicide.
I know. My father did it. I forgive him.
I understand the circunstances in his case at 79, alone and abandoned.
But it still got to me. To this day. Forty years later.

Cheers.

The place I go to for psychiatric help is horrible. Everytime I try to move up an appointment they say something like "oh, we've been meaning to call you we need to reschedule your appointment for later." and I interpret it as "**** you you stupid ***** jump off a bridge your doctor needs a pedicure."
Mixed episode is possible.
I went to group therapy last night and there was a lot of drama so I'm not going back. Also didn't have a ride to ECT so that got rescheduled but only til tomorrow.

Hey Spikes, sorry to hear you are still having these strong thoughts. Im glad ECT was rescheduled for you. I know you said before you have no interest in going to the hospital but remember you can always change your mind. Do you have any friends or family you could call, obviously drama at group isnt what you need right now.

I really needed to see my Pdoc the other day so badly and drove over 5hrs for my scheduled appt only to be told she was on vacation. Thats rough not having them available when you need them most Im here if you need though

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, spikes I agree with what all the others have already wisely said better than I ever could. You've been given some great advice in this thread. I'd suggest to follow it if you can. Please don't give up. I'd suggest to call your Pdoc again if you can. Hopefully they'll listen to you this time. Tell them you're feeling suicidal. I hope they'll listen to you and they won't reschedule your appointment. Just give it a try. I know it hurts. Just try to hang on. At least until you're able to see him again. I don't think they want you to die. I completely agree with what Undr*Over has already wisely said. They probably don't understand how bad it is for you. I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. I hope they'll listen and understand better next time if you do decide to call them. I hope your ECT will help you. Perhaps you could call your Pdoc after you've done it. That's just my opinion, though. The final decision is up to you. Please stay safe and take care of yourself. You're a wonderful person. I hope you'll be able to get the help you need. You deserve to get better and to feel good. You deserve to live a good life just like everyone else does. I'm so sorry. It must be very hard for you. Please don't give up. I'm here for you if you need to talk about it. We all care about you here. We all love you here. Feel free to vent here as much as you want. You know we won't judge you here. I promise you that. Stay strong, spikes. Stay safe and take care of yourself. If things get bead, call an hotline or go to the hospital and ask them to help you. I understand it's not an easy decision to make and it's not something you want to do. Your safety must be the priority though. Please take care of yourself. You deserve it. You're a wonderful person. You have so much more to give to this world. Don't throw it all away. Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this

I have to reschedule ECT again, either to next Tuesday or Thursday. Wtf. I gave up on my regular pdoc. Even if I got an appt with him its not like he'd help. Today is definitely leaning towards the depressed side which i guess is better but the suicidality is still there. No one irl knows which is probably bad but ill let them know at ECT.