Accepting Less than

I never believed I should have to accept less than other people because I have a disorder or as I prefer to refer to it as: a condition. A manageable condition. On the flip side I do believe my humour and creativity are actually enhanced due to this flaw. I am not on a cocktail of meds. Since everyone else on else on here confess their meds, here is mine : Quetiapine and Mirtazapine.
My biggest bug bearer or set back has been stigma. Some self stigma. Most from the ignorance of those around me. But sometimes I do wonder why I am still alive. If it is just because I am a strong person. A clever person. Or just plain thrawn. In order to survive I have had to try and forget I have this disorder while at the same time remember to look after my mental health more than most. I think not disclosing has worked best for me over the years. Just pushing on. So British. Just make tea and rest then get back on the horse.

Self stigma is definitely my biggest roadblock. I would never feel the way I feel about myself towards someone else with mental health issues and advocate for fairness, empathy and understanding by being open in my life. Unfortunately I feel that it is hypocritical and do feel bad about that.

If I could get past thinking constantly of myself as bipolar being what I am now I could do so much. Everyone tells me so.

I hope you learn to get past the self stigma and ignore others ignorance, focus on the clever, strong, creative, humorous you. And I hope I can forget I have this disorder to the best of my ability while taking care of myself the way I need to. Not forget as in not accepting it but forget as in no longer focusing my self image on it

I am not sure whether being honest and saying I am bi-polar will make someone wary of me or respect me more for being up front.
To get a job I have always had to lie through my teeth. I have also been presented with golden opportunities to just tell the truth but find myself wavering. I don't want to be seen as less of a person. Admittance is weakness.

Not focusing my whole image on being bi-polar. I have bi-polar. I am not a bi-polaroid gay...or whatever else people wish to reduce me down to. I always disliked labels.

Yeah. Fortunately other people thinking I CANT do things makes me put more effort into proving that I CAN. Both to them and importantly to myself.

But I do wonder if Im just setting myself for disappointment by refusing to accept... less. But I cant. I cant just give up. I have to know that I tried the hardest I could.

Things come slower to me on medication- and faster without. Unfortunately TOO many things come to me off medication. So it comes down to- do I want to be overwhelmed or underwhelmed. And it really is a hard decision.

But for now, it is one that I have to accept. And I am trying

When it feels like
People view or see
You as worth less
Than other human beings
That is what bothers me.
Where I am a source
Of gossip because
I have been in
The psych ward.
Oh it is just...you.
But unlike some people
Who would try extra
Hard to impress others
Because of the
Pit falls of being
An ex rehab patient,
I seem to have
Decided to take
Another route and say
Stuff those who
Think I am just...
I am going
To usurp them
And be my own boss
And carve my own path.

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, Balthascar810 I think this is a very important question. Thank you so much for making this thread. I agree with what all the others have already wisely said better than I ever could. Unfortunately the hardest part is to accept the diagnosis and, most importantly, recognize that labels don't define who you are. But it's important that you take care of yourself as well. It's important to balance all of these aspects. I'm so sorry you all have to fight through ignorance and prejudice. Unfortunately they're very common when it comes to MI. It's hard to fight them. We have to keep trying though. I don't like labels too much either, although I suppose they're useful to doctors. Keep fighting. Keep trying your best. That's all we can do after all. I'm glad such a wonderful place like PC exists for those of us who are struggling with MI. It's truly wonderful. You're all wonderful people. Stay strong, everyone. Stay safe and take care of yourselves. You're all awesome! You're all strong! You're all warriors! Sending many hugs to everyone

Yes for treatment and the doctors I whole heartedly agree that a diagnosis is important. I was away to say for families too because many people with conditions cannot look after themselves. For me however I thank my lucky stars that the doctor did not run a possible diagnosis passed my family because it would have probably not been bi-polar at the time.
The doctors are not supposed to diagnose on first admission. Mine knew exactly what I had been through, an episode. They put it down to stress. Which was a deciding factor and may well have been what caused my breakdown.
But today on a positive note I feel more at ease with revealing that I have been in treatment. I no longer need to hide. I could not have done it before.
Many of my posts are centred in the past. At least five to over ten years ago some. I guess I have a memory like an elephant. My life is not sorted but I hope to get there.

I dont believe admittance is weakness and I dont believe people are any more wary of me than they were before. Then again I get along with everyone but have no lasting relationships with anyone except my H, so hard to say but I have only been given positive and caring attention when I have said anything even about the worst of me. This includes a lot of episode, alcohol abuse, nights in the drunk tank and all my psych ward stays, which is a lot. I definitely feel better not hiding as well.

I have only started one job since my first major episode a couple of years ago but there was never any reason to say anything. Unfortunately I have had over a month of sick time due to hospitalizations since starting my job 8 months ago. My boss and coworkers also know about my issues with alcohol, mania and attempts because of where I work in the hospital they see the records but I have never felt judged or that they thought less of me. I do good work but I am sick, they seem to be fine with that. Hopefully the worst episodes are over but I dont worry about my job anymore, I know most are not that great though.

Im glad you look at it the way you do. When people see you negatively they arent worth your time and attention. Sorry that you have to deal with it at all. For myself I have never had anyone say anything bad to me but I will call them out on it if they have something bad to say about anyone else. I dont care if its someone with a substance abuse issue, a mood or personality disorder etc. We are all worth the same respect. Some just have a harder time in life than others.

I have jumped from job to job. Chopped and changed. But always mostly minimum wage. I had one good job and I sabotaged it myself by cutting my tablet when I needed it. In my longer job of four years, my co workers just thought I got stoned every night! I was not chirpy in mornings. So I was designated to the back room which suited me fine. I never got stoned. Drank at weekends that was all. Was just my tablet. And I was not a typical young person they were used to. The girls were usually out going and I was a stick in the mud. I used to stand out in the garden in the cold in the morning and drink two cups of tea and force down toast while the dizzy spell abated. Had more tea when I got to work. A rowie halfway through morning, second breakfast.

My friend says that nobody really said anything bad to her either except her sibling said for a joke: let's dump her somewhere. I have faced so much prejudice and discrimination that I am sick to my back teeth goes the saying. I was pushed pretty hard. Nobody has called me crazy even though I was wild and have done some crazy stunts. But as you can see from my story I have had a really tough time proving myself to my family and escaping a bad relationship where I was not respected one bit. All because of the hospital stigma MORE than handling the mental unwelll phases and managing a condition. The stigma has had just as much of an impact on my life than my experience with clinical depression. It is a mad world.

I am so sorry you have had to face all of that. My family has a major history of mental illness so they understand it all including the alcohol, hospitalizations and even when I was facing the possibility of not only losing my job but also my kids in December.

My mother is horrible though. She made a comment about my father that caused me a hospitalization because she was telling me about how horrible he was while she was with him. He is bipolar and she was telling me this just weeks after I was diagnosed. I was so upset that I convinced myself I was in a nightmare and needed to die to wake up. I havent talked to her since.

I quit my last job and didnt work for 3 years and during that time was when more noticable episodes and then really bad ones started. Before that it was only really depression. I have been lucky with this job. I was so close to losing it though because I started missing work because I was blackout drunk and as I said my work is in the hospital so the police had to keep taking me there for medical check while I was drunk and then mental check once I was sober. Plus right after that was a month in hospital(a different one though, we have no psych ward or extensive medical care that I needed then)

When I was off work I read some mammoth classics. I don't know where I found the motivation to read Crime and Punishment. But the idea of slaving away at a bottling line like a battery monkey or hen just made me decide to do my own thing and live off savings and keep the jc off my back which was not hard, just a pain. Some are really nice the next week you get a bureaucrat.

I'm glad to hear other people feel the same way about being labeled as a disorder. I've never viewed it as a disorder but more of who I am. I've been the way I am for as long as I can remember.

I had only a couple of friends like myself in high school. And when they moved away I was totally alone again. To cope
I'd go to nursing homes and play the piano for the elderly in the common room. The great conversations and details they provided gave me a lot of insight of their time era even before my parents. I've always took on more tasks than I could handle and would become obsessed with it to where I'd be practicing till 2am sleeping only a couple hours and night and go go go. I didn't have any guidance or knew many people like myself so I felt alone most of the time.

Other people have emotions and goes through bad and good times as well. I'm just more extreme with emotions and reckless behavior. 2 years ago I finally put more effort in learning more about myself and what I needed to do to better myself. I studied everything I could about all types of "disorders" and talked to other people that had disorders. Doing this has helped me tremendously in accepting myself. I still hate the world and have my moments but when I do have an episode I dont dwell on it and I force myself to get back up and shrug it off and continue on.

Due to the stigma about bipolar people especially bipolar 1 I can't ever say I have it. Within the next 2 years I'll become the next CEO of my company. I've recently been promoted to Chief Innovation Officer and I report directly to the CFO and CEO. I gave 100% to the company putting in all kinds of crazy hours in. Constantly picking up new tasks and creating new customer reports and better procedures for the departments they would move me too. I did so well in restructuring in the departments they put me that I was promoted to Chief Innovation officer and moved up to the top floor by the other executives and now I work with every department to create better communication, policies, new and improved current work procedures. We now have a snacks, candy, and coffee 24/7 in the break rooms. I'm extremely manic 24/7 after my promotion 4 months ago. Crazy thing it I enjoy being manic. When I can control my depression I'm quite productive. Now when I'm over the top manic then I'm doing all kinds of stuff and I'm going all over working on all kinds of projects, and I swear those weeks everyone must think I'm hitting the cocaine a bit too much. Being excepted in the business sector it helps me blend in without letting my bipolar show when I'm having an episode. I got into business management because I really enjoy it and it keeps me interested. I enjoy challenges and being the best.

Medications I'm on,
LAMICTAL - controls my depression very well it's now just a mild episode and that's it.
VYVANSE - helps with my drowsiness and helps with my binge eating. It really helps, I should be able to see my six pack again this summer.
BUSPAR - for anxiety due my high stress job. Works great.

I dont take anything for mania because that's who I am. The depression part of me though is too counterproductive so I've decided to tone it down to an acceptable level. Which has help greatly over the last year I've been on the medications I've listed. Don't let anyone convince you that you're not good enough. No matter what you do in life you're part of it all. Everyone has a purpose just some of us it takes us a long time to find it. I found it with my career and I enjoy helping others work together and increase sales and productivity. I enjoy seeing everyone happy even though I'm sad and lonely inside. But I've be working on that too and found having a bipolar friend got me to go hiking, parks, beach bumming it, working out, becoming vegan and getting annual passes to the local museums. I've found several support groups and even though I don't need support but It seems to be the only way to meet others like me. Being around someone that understands has helped me the most and it's made a slight impact on the emptiness. For the last week I've been at war with myself but I'm getting back up and moving forward. At this point in life I'm just too damn stubborn to lose. When I'm done it will be my choice not this world. This world only controls the majority and I'm just living in it.

Bipolar #1 person that's vegan.

PS. So I was going to keep this short but I wasnt vaping Indica instead it was Sativa. When I go to the dispensary after work people give me that what are you doing here look. Is there a dress code or something? What's wrong with wearing a suit and driving in my BMW 7 series to the dispensary? Got to love California for passing legal marijuana. I don't need drink to bring my manic level down. I vape and it helps a lot plus it helps me sleep at night. I took topomax for sleep and eating disorder but it made me so sluggish and did nothing for my binge eating. Stopped taking that and dont drink. But i think it's a bit expensive paying $500 a month for vape cartridges. When I was in college i could smoke all the time for like $50 and everyone shared. Now theres so many names and its being treated like the wine sector. It use to be just weed. Damn I rambled on when I meant to only said a quick couple sentences.

Having a hangover seemed to mask or dampen down the mania before I got admitted and treated. Maybe that's why my choice of drug is alcohol and not weed. Maybe I am a control freak in some respects. I was always neurotic and OCD has an element of neurosis. I did not want to join the armed forces because that would mean not being in control of my own destiny. I could not choose where I was posted to. I used to like being hyper with my girl pals. Most found me funny. Sometimes I crossed the line though.
When I worked at one job a supervisor asked if I had seasonal affective disorder. I vowed about a year after hospital before the job that the mania was not a good thing. So I squashed it down to practically non existent. I felt that it was easier to spot as a disorder than say being a bit low or flat. Or maybe they would think I was ADHD. But it was a very small team so of course someone would pick up on something not quite falling into place. I sang the script and Paulo Nutini out the back. But I was very inhibited apart from singing. I was very closed off and described as difficult. If I were a boy I would have been left to my own devices I think however. And another colleague said I was just a good quine.

God creates them. The devil reunites them.