[beehivebrain]

I think I'm going through a low right now. I think I was triggered with issues with my father. It's funny. I could have posted this in the BPD thread, too, considering I have that as well. Also, OCD. And, I feel like my relationship with my father is the epitome of BPD. Like if a relationship could be categorized as mental illness, ours would be BPD.

But, I've been feeling depressed for quite some time, and at first, it was the side effects of the medication I was taking, Seroquel, but then, I realized, that I've always had issues with my father, and every time he drives me to work, we talk, even though I don't want to. It starts out as a normal conversation, then it turns into a condescending lecture, which usually turns into a horrific fight.

I walk into work every day with a panic attack, and I feel depressed and just awful.

I'm a writing tutor, so my only saving grace is the students, who give me energy and make me happy. However, I feel as if I put on two faces. One, the person in between students, who sits at her desk and sighs heavily and is depressed and tries to read or write in her journal and sometimes is just too tired so stares off into space. Then, when I get a student, I put on my excited face, and I tutor. And I'm actually very good at it.

I'm afraid, one of these days, I won't be able to switch faces, and I'll do something wrong with one of the students.

I think it kind of happened yesterday, with a student who was like "Aren't you basically supposed to edit our papers? Isn't that the point of your job?" I was having such a bad day, because of an argument with my father, before shift, that after trying to explain to him the tutoring process, I stopped at like ten seconds, and went, "Just give me your paper," and edited it silently, on my own.

I was cordial and kind and told him he was a fantastic writer and he should probably be in a higher level class, to which he answered he'd rather live in mediocrity.

However, I felt as if my interaction with that student was my first glimpse into the possibility that I may not be able to switch faces.

And, basically, I just want one face. A stable, happy face.

I mean, I was happy the night before. I was reading this great book, and the next day, after the argument with my father, I had a realization that my daddy issues were back and I was just distracted by my Seroquel reactions and my skepticism of my psychiatrist.

So, I feel very low.

I'm also at this point where I just don't eat...at all.

Yesterday, I worked nine hours, and I didn't eat. I got home, and, after about an hour, I said, I should eat. I ate, and I felt nauseous again. I'm also dealing with nausea because of the anxiety.

I think that's part of the reason I am so tired all the time, and why it is so hard to even write this post or read that wonderful book, or even get out of bed.

I don't know. Is it true that food is fuel? Because I remember seeing some graphics in a textbook when I was a kid about food being fuel.

Smells, tastes, everything is disgusting, whether I'm manic or low. And I'm just too tired to make anything.

I'm seeing my psychiatrist on Tuesday.

But, from what it seems (of course you can't know by appearances), he doesn't seem to have an understanding of what I'm going through, beyond what he learned in medical school and training, so I wanted to ask you guys.

How do I deal with this?

Also, is it normal to feel tired on your day off?

Thank you.

[wiretwister]

jmo it seems you have real issues with authority ( " daddy issues ... your pdoc " ) ... for me coming to terms with just what effects me too much and adjusting my daily schedule to avoid it and luckly I have xanex that really helped me to get a handle on things ... almost never need use it anymore but it was a godsend to get over the hump ... I also have a distraction I go to when it gets too much ... I have been lucky to have reached a level that I can mantain ... though some days I really don't know how ...

I am tired all the time ... including days off ...

I wish you the best and peace in your life ... Tigger ..

[piano97]

I'm really confused with this but when you see your doctor, consider asking to be referred to a therapist, I think they will be able to help you in a way the doctor is unable to.

[Tryingtobehappy5]

I think talking to a therapist would be a great idea as well. The BPD issues dont get better with medication and I agree with you that the issue sounds like it stems from it.

As far as dealing with the lows at work, I have the same problem but not triggered by events. It is from being depressed for myself. When I am working an evening in that state I have a space to myself for breaks and I spend my coffee/supper with my head down on a desk, soft music in my headphones and a timer on my phone just in case I fall asleep. If you have personal space that allows for that it is something you could maybe try.

Not eating makes me very sick. If i dont eat properly I throw up a lot. During mania it doesnt bother me and I actually feel good about how little I eat and how sick I am while still having crazy energy and losing weight(I dont need to lose any) During depression I sometimes eat a lot more and sometimes just lose my appetite but the same thing happens, I throw up a lot. Not eating definitely can cause nausea and vomitting. Get into a healthy eating routine if you can, it should make a big difference. Healthy food, eating more often, Nexium and sometimes gaviscon keep my stomach in decent shape. I have really hurt my stomach with alcohol abuse and excessive amounts of pills that I was not supposed to be taking though so I do have some stomach issues.even when I am stable.

We all desire stability, I hope you can find it and get back to enjoying your days. It sounds like you have some good things in life to enjoy

[luvyrself]

Vigorous exercise helps me the most. Wellbutrin can be great if you are predominantly down, but it can push bipolars up too high,which is the case for me, so Ill probably be changing.

[Wander]

I’m sorry you are going through so much at work. It does sound like you are depressed though. My coping mechanisms are: keep a routine, eat regularly and healthily, get outside if even for a little time, try not to isolate, try to engage in activities that bring you, or used to, bring you joy, exercise, and use distraction when unable to do anything else. I watch TV, surf the net and read if possible. Everyone is different so you will have a different list. Doing any of this will be tough when depressed but even trying one of them will help and perhaps lead you to do more. Perhaps if you can improve your depression work issues will be easier to manage. Hang in there.

[Cheduderinoenserio]

Originally Posted by luvyrself

Vigorous exercise helps me the most. Wellbutrin can be great if you are predominantly down, but it can push bipolars up too high,which is the case for me, so Ill probably be changing.

Be very, very careful with Wellbutrin. It can cause some terrible highs.