[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by Tucson

It has been two years since my mother passed. I am having a little trouble with it. Mortality. 15 years, maybe more of my life left. I want to make it to my daughter's 40th birthday. This will mean me that I will need to make my 80th birthdayl I miss my mother. I was numb over this for a year and a half. I thought something was wrong with me.

I had a new tiled floor put in my kitchen. I now need to seal it, and wax floor. I have been depressed for several weeks now. Maybe looking at my antique pistols will be a good diversion?

Hi Tucson,
So nice to have you posting!

I have found it difficult to adjust to the loss of family members. I hope it will get easier for you in time.

I also hope your depression lifts quickly.

[Wild Coyote]

Gosh, I am soooo tired and in a lot of pain. Multiple conditions acting up with overwhelming amount of stress for tooo long now.
Feeling dazed and depleted.

I hope everyone has a reasonably good day.
Love yas!

[wildflowerchild25]

Had another self injury dream yesterday but it was followed up by a nice dream about RS so it worked out. I talked to my therapist about these dreams and she said something about “nightmare protocol”. It’s where if you have a recurring nightmare you can write down the nightmare and then change the ending to something positive. Then you read it before you go to sleep so if you have the nightmare again it will change the ending. Sounds like a bunch of malarkey to me but maybe it works. Apparently there’s a lot of research about it. I’ll have to look into it more.

I’m really enjoying living with RS. It’s so nice to have my own house. He helped me pay the cable bill which I appreciate. I mean unfortunately I’m going to have to rely on him to pay bills because he makes so much more than me. I wish I could make more money. But that’s why I’m doing my master’s. By December 2020 I will have my degree and I will be able to be a teacher again.

My son wants to see the fireworks tonight but it’s going to be raining so I think they’re going to be canceled. They should be on tomorrow night though. That’ll be nice to see them.

[GoldenSnitch]

Originally Posted by Tucson

It has been two years since my mother passed. I am having a little trouble with it. Mortality. 15 years, maybe more of my life left. I want to make it to my daughter's 40th birthday. This will mean me that I will need to make my 80th birthdayl I miss my mother. I was numb over this for a year and a half. I thought something was wrong with me.


I had a new tiled floor put in my kitchen. I now need to seal it, and wax floor. I have been depressed for several weeks now. Maybe looking at my antique pistols will be a good diversion?

I’m so sorry for your loss. Big hugs!

[GoldenSnitch]

Originally Posted by sadveiledbride

Feeling sleepy and paranoid. I need to quit letting people **** me up. I just want to be at peace for once, and out of here.

Are you able to take a nap? Do you know of anything that helps your paranoia? I haven’t found anything for mine so I have no advice there. Big hugs. I hope it goes away soon.

[GoldenSnitch]

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

Got 6 hours of sleep last night, so quite a bit better but for an hour I had horrific restless legs going on from the seroquel, it literally felt like torture and was worse than I've ever experienced it, ended up taking my klonopin getting out of bed and walked around my apartment for awhile then about 45 minutes later I was able to fall asleep. I've had bad restless legs before but I can't even describe how bad it was last night, I was kicking like crazy and then punching my legs trying to get it to stop I was pissed off and almost crying

The 6 hours is good but those restless legs sound awful! I’m sorry you had to deal with this. Has it happened before?

[GoldenSnitch]

Originally Posted by Wander

Saw my T and pdoc. To avoid possibly traumating me we are all working to keep me out of hospital. My pdoc wants me to email him daily with an update. Along with that I’m to take 50-100 mg of Seroquel and 4 mg Lorazepam a day. Hopefully this will short circuit the adrenaline rush after rush. I see them in a week.


This is an awful experience. I’m starting to slip. Hospital will make me feel trapped. Feeling trapped is at the core of my trauma. I want to live but find myself fantasising. I’m gonna break if this doesn’t work.

Oh best of luck to you. I hope this works for you. Being in the hospital can definitely make you feel trapped which wouldn’t be good for your trauma. Keep us posted!

[GoldenSnitch]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

Gosh, I am soooo tired and in a lot of pain. Multiple conditions acting up with overwhelming amount of stress for tooo long now.

Feeling dazed and depleted.


I hope everyone has a reasonably good day.

Love yas!

I’m sorry you’re feeling this way do you have any ways of distracting yourself from some of the overwhelm? Or can you make a list with baby steps and try to get a couple of things accomplished to help with your stress? I hope you’re feeling better soon

[GoldenSnitch]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

Had another self injury dream yesterday but it was followed up by a nice dream about RS so it worked out. I talked to my therapist about these dreams and she said something about “nightmare protocol”. It’s where if you have a recurring nightmare you can write down the nightmare and then change the ending to something positive. Then you read it before you go to sleep so if you have the nightmare again it will change the ending. Sounds like a bunch of malarkey to me but maybe it works. Apparently there’s a lot of research about it. I’ll have to look into it more.


I’m really enjoying living with RS. It’s so nice to have my own house. He helped me pay the cable bill which I appreciate. I mean unfortunately I’m going to have to rely on him to pay bills because he makes so much more than me. I wish I could make more money. But that’s why I’m doing my master’s. By December 2020 I will have my degree and I will be able to be a teacher again.


My son wants to see the fireworks tonight but it’s going to be raining so I think they’re going to be canceled. They should be on tomorrow night though. That’ll be nice to see them.

I’ve never heard of that dream protocol either. It sounds interesting. I too have a nightmare that recurrs so I might give this a try.

[Blue_Bird]

Thanks Wild Coyote and GoldenSnitch

I have dealt with RLS before from the same medication when I was on it a long time ago and it was pretty bad then but never as severe as now. I hope there's something that can help it. I'm not exaggerating when I said it felt like torture , for example I've had kidney stones before and I'd take those and that level of pain over how bad the RLS was last night , it was a nightmare

[GoldenSnitch]

I got discharged from IP yesterday. I was not ready to leave and cried. I wasn’t even home 15 minutes and I had a panic attack. I had many many issues with the hospital this go around but it made me feel safe from myself so I was good to be there. I did meet a great group of people that I’m staying in touch with though. We helped each other more than any of the staff helped us.

I'm sorry that I fell behind reading this thread, vut have caught up a bit.

Christina, thanks for asking about my therapy. I told my therapist about my bird boy. In the end, she was neither help nor harm with that grief. She did help with one issue I've been having

Tuscon, I fully understand the pain of losing a mother. It is something that never really leaves you, but living day by day and enjoying them with what's in the now, helps.

Blue_Bird, I know how torturous akathisia can be. I hope the Klonopin continues to help. Have you talked to your doctor about other akathisia relieving meds?

Wander, I hope the med adjustments help ease your worsening episode.

Wild Coyote, I hope your pain is easing.

Golden Snitch, will you be attending an IOP or PHP? If not, I hope you see your outside psychiatrist and therapist soon.

[Unrigged64072835]

Sorry for your loss Tecomsin. Even when parents aren’t good people, it’s still eerie when they are gone.

[sadveiledbride]

I only just woke up and am still tired. Not much is happening today. I am a bit down and feeling guilty.

[hopeless2015]

Popping in with hugs

Off work until Monday yeah!!

Hubby and I will be taking a mini vacation to Massachusetts this long weekend. It had been planned even before we knew of our pet parrot's impending death. I guess it's good to leave the house for a while, so as not to feel the brunt of the loss. But I am still grieving a lot. Hours go by when I'm fine, but the grief comes in waves. This would all be slightly different if he was an old bird, but being a young bird we can't help but feel we did something wrong. And yet one can't protect others from unknown risks. We have had pet parrots for over 17 years, with no similar incident. We can't for a million years know how/where he was poisoned with lead. We almost fear his cage itself might have been the culprit, but it is an expensive nice cage. Would they really hard glaze the thing with lead paint? Or was it him chewing on the trim around the closet? But didn't they outlaw lead paint years before our house was even built. We just don't know, but adopting a new bird with these scared sad feelings is not an option.

[Wild Coyote]

I used to LOVE July 3rd and 4th.
I lost my closest brother on July 3rd.
My wedding anniversary is on the 4th.
Oh joy!!! Not!!!

I'll have to find ways to distract myself, especially tomorrow. Lots going on. Hoping to PUSH myself into attending some of the festivities, if can do so.

Happy 4th!
Love to all!

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

I used to LOVE July 3rd and 4th.
I lost my closest brother on July 3rd.
My wedding anniversary is on the 4th.
Oh joy!!! Not!!!

I'll have to find ways to distract myself, especially tomorrow. Lots going on. Hoping to PUSH myself into attending some of the festivities, if can do so.

Happy 4th!
Love to all!

I am so sorry. The hits just keep coming. Know that i am thinking of you and sending many hugs and supportive vibes. Hopefully you will be able to attend some of the festivities. It’s understandable if you can’t. I’m just so sorry. Words fail me. I am here for you though as are we all.

[Sunflower123]

We had a nice time at the July fourth celebration tonight. We walked out onto the pedestrian bridge over the river and set up half way across where we could hear the symphony and see the fireworks without being squashed like bugs in the writhing masses on land. Got in and out quickly as well.

Tomorrow I’m going to a cookout at the community pool.two doors down. Will probably float early (around 8-9) as it will get rowdy when the kids show up. Spending a low key fourth.

Oh, I signed on with a life coach through an app that my NP recommended. Much of the app is free and it helps with calming down, mindfulness, reframing thoughts, CBT etc. I’ve found it to be helpful. I hope to reach some goals with the help of the life coach. We’ll see.

Sending big hugs to those that are struggling

[Wander]

Day one of my pdoc guided treatment to bring down my anxiety and stay out of hospital. Last night was bad. Nothing I took (Seroquel or Lorazepam) calmed me down but I did manage to fall asleep eventually. This morning I woke feeling exhausted beyond words (as I have the last week), but I could not sleep in. I had to do stuff as I was restless. The anxiety was ok but it has grown since (it is now 11.30am). I took 50 mg of Seroquel nearly two hours ago. It has helped stop the spiralling feeling.

It is raining so I am taking the opportunity to put no pressure on myself to do anything. This down day should help. I intend to stay drugged up and float around my flat. Earlier today I was going to tell my pdoc I wasn't coping and thus not safe and needing IP. Now I feel it may be possible to avoid that. Hospital traumatised me and I now have even more severe PTSD. Going back there would be triggering. If I get worse I am in a bind as I want to live so will need that extra protection but in doing so I could make myself worse. This makes me feel trapped right now. So I try to hold on to my sanity. I am so confused.

[sadveiledbride]

Happy 4th of July. I feel like **** tonight. Very sad and I just want to sleep forever.

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by sadveiledbride

Happy 4th of July. I feel like **** tonight. Very sad and I just want to sleep forever.

I’m sorry you are struggling so. You may have already been asked this question: do you see a pdoc on a regular basis or a tdoc? Sending many hugs.

[sadveiledbride]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

I’m sorry you are struggling so. You may have already been asked this question: do you see a pdoc on a regular basis or a tdoc? Sending many hugs.

Yeah, I do. Both are helping a bit. But the sad nights creep up on me sometimes.

[~Christina]

Saw my T today and it helped ease the torment some. But shorty after it was building up again. But my T and his office is a comfort for me.

Then had to grocery shop and that is just hell for me and Hellmart only had 2 freaking registers open .. like freaking really ?? the night before a holiday ????

I really wanted to talk to the manager about it and say you only scheduled 2 people ONLY 2 ??? Why don’t YOU open a register ??? But I’m too rage-y to keep myself from exploding and throwing every bit of food on the floor and walk out!

I use the Ibotta AP to get money back on products that I would normally buy anyway. In about 8 months I have cashed in for 2 .... 35.00 gift cards for a couple restaurants. We seldom ever have money to go out eat so it’s a nice treat.

I save so much money planning ahead. It’s really turned into a game for me to find anyway to save a buck a quarter or a nickel.

I have planned out my meals so that I’m good to go for at least 7-8 weeks. It’s just my husband and I. I will be making 5lbs of meatballs probably over the weekend, I’ll bag them in portions and won’t have to make any for 2-3 months.

I’ll need bread and some veggies weekly but I get those from the Amish.

So it was a long day for me.

Hugs and free cookies

[Blue_Bird]

Stopped the seroquel and agitation ceased, only got 1 hour of sleep, I'm sure my sleep will be screwed up for awhile but it should hopefully get back to normal after I adjust