[coralproper]

Hi all
My name is Eddie age 33 and I feel comfortable saying I suffer from bipolar disorder, my father whom I have had almost no contact with my whole life actually draws disability for being mentally incompetent, for the last 10 years, as well there is a history of mania, and disfunction in other family members.

I can remember far back as kindergarten being suspended for loud excessive talking, and disrespect to the teacher......I guess I cursed at her for trying to stop my excessive talking.....

I have been to a mental doctor at age 12 but refused to go back ...since I felt like a science project...I have had a bizarre life from day one...and feel they were overly interested in what made me tick....I had scores in the 95% range in the nation for reading/comprehension..but was unable to apply this potential then or now to real life.

I have been able to hold the same job since age 20 approx. (barely) but feel like everyone is conspiring against me ...and feel they are the ones with the problem...as I get older this gets worse and I over analyze every word and every action over and over ...though I am aware this is a disorder it is uncontrollable even when I make a conscious effort....I talk excessively and loud and have been told I repeat myself by almost everyone.

these disorders are what make me who I am though and do not bother me, but do everyone around me.....

I fear without the disorders I possibly suffer, I would not be able to survive finacialy...since the mania is what keeps me obssesing and over analyzing on work as well....and at the end of the day make me succesful...

I have also been able (barely) to hold together the same marriage since age 19..not sure how ....

There are a few bipolar people were I work ...even they think I have mental problems worse than them......agin though they don't really bother me...it would be nice to have one full night of sleep though since I rarly sleep through the night...my mind just wont stop

I am like a light switch and can go from calm and collected to talking and analyzing every detail and word of something which always overwhelms whomever it is directed at

I dont however feel the sever depression that I read most have with bipolar..though do possibly keep it bottled up....it seems to be replace by dilusions of supernatural & paranioa.....I know it souds crazy and I keep it to myself from the general public that I am exposed to.
To keep from being stigmatized...
I dont know what to do at this point in time about this...please feel free to give any advice and be forthright. I am receptive
kind regards
Eddie

[Bellax3]

Hey, I'm not sure I have any advice for you...All that comes to mind is that there are different types of BP , and its perfectly normal if you don't experience as many depression episodes. I think that falls under the category of Bipolar I
Not sure though.
I just wanted to let you know that I read, and care.
<3 Bella

[coralproper]

Thanks for the kind reply.
I will study more on the bp1.

as I grow older and the importance to stay calm and collected becomes greater, I do worry how it will affect my future...

I have gone through my whole life feeling detached from reality ....almost like I am in a dream...kinda hard to describe...and frequently have to remind myself that despite the way I feel I am really here and alive and conscious

weird I know...but most of my delusions &amp; hallucinations are real to me and I feel any doctor would just label them as delusions/hallucinations...I can remember vivid ones all the way back to age 3-4....this does not happen every day or month ( the supernatural hallucinations), and I am not sure what triggers them....but the feeling of being detached from reality has always existed, as well as the paranoia/delusions

also it is probably important to note I am nonviolent and never have been...most just take the attitude that I am crazy and overlook things I say....until I start to repeat myself...or don't let them finish what they are saying since I usually feel comfortable I already know what it is and stop them short with my reply

[Bellax3]

Hm, you just reminded me of a feeling I used to have I don't remember when the last tme was I felt it, most likely quite recently, but I remember I would be at home, and my parents were being mean, or even cruel to me, and I would convince myself I just had to wait a few more hours, and I would be able to "go home" as if it was a bad day at school, or something, I would have to remind myself over and over that I am "home" and there's nowhere left to go...
Wow. That was really weird...

But yeah, I can relate to the feeling of things not being...real. Have you ever disassociated?

Best of luck to you,
<3 Bella

[coralproper]

As a small child I went from living on Naples Fl beach in a house that I still feel was haunted...I know (they dont exist)
there was a feeling of extreme fear I had there though..no physical abuse at this point since it was just my mother....my older sister who I oddly can't remember ever being there....and my mothers friend I just recently learned, she lived in the quest house behind us...don't remember this either.....then we moved to a second house, my sister,and mothers friend who I oddly dont ever remember being there and mother....this is when I had my first hallucination at about age 4 and still remember it to this day.....a female witch/demon looking head suspended in mid air...still now very clear in my mind.....the other thing I remember is being in the middle of the road looking up at the sky in the middle of the night yelling for my mommy...she says her friend told her about this(me being in the road) since she was baby sitting...but I never rember her friend ever coming to get me(or even living there) and actualy forgot about the hallucination until I was older...
and then some things started coming back.....

then we moved to another house with my mothers boyfriend at the time and life seemed great for a few years...I had everything you think a child would want...we had speed boats and regularly went to the nearby islands were there were huge partys and I fished played etc etc....
this came to a sudden end..I later found out my sister was abused...and as a adult was able to figure it out myself just from memory...then we moved in with a new boyfriend of hers but this time in the middle of nowhere, in the Everglades.
There was no electric out this far at this time and all we had was generators...and the misquitos were overwhelming....living conditions were substandard at first ....but I eventually grew to like it....I did not have to go to school anymore since my mothers boyfriend who later became our step father, was against the system.....my sister moved with family in another state and it was just my mother and I.
We did travel allot to the Keys diving and all the way to the Rocky mountains hiking...then my step father became violent toward my mother and I, since he was in a business that made him extremly paranoid....later my mother and him went to prison for this twice (they are now divorced).......I went to live with family and was shifted around until settling with my fathers mother who I stayed with till age 16 and then made my own way in the world...she was a caring women

trying limit the extent of this...since I have barly scratched the surface

I probably have.

[darkeyes]

(((((((((( coralproper ))))))))))

I haven't been online that much so I'm behind on reading the posts/replies.
I just read this, and must say, I admire all that you have endured, and sending you many good wishes for inner peace,strength and healing.
Welcome to PC and the Bipolar forum,glad you found us.

[coralproper]

thanks..believe it or not life for me is good...something is just missing inside me I think...I might not even need it..but can't stop trying to find it

so far I have made it despite my problems...

thanks for the support ..what little time I have spent here has been priceless