Worst time so far

Where to begin. I have had bipolar my entire life, I first got diagnosed with major depression when I was 14. Several years and horrible mistakes from manic episodes that I didn’t understand later, I got diagnosed with BP 1.
I’ve had manic episodes here and there and things have been rough but last year i was put on lamotrigine and that helped for quite some time.
Now, I’m thinking that maybe I need a med switch up. I’m currently going through probably the worst time I’ve ever experienced in my life.
Last week I was involuntarily committed for the first time ever. I thought I was better and convinced them to release me early and shortly after I was out I realized that I only felt better because of mania.

I don’t know a whole lot about bipolar so I don’t understand what’s happening, but it feels like I’m just constantly cycling between mania and depression? Can that happen?

I’m currently in the waiting period to see a new psychiatrist as I got basically kicked out of my therapists agency because I was deemed too ill and needed a higher care than they were able to give.
I’ve also lost a lot of friends this time because they weren’t okay with how I was acting and that’s really upsetting. Everything keeps piling up and I’m not sure if I’m even fit to be outside of a hospital right now but I can’t afford to stop working. And I’m coming here because from reading other posts, you guys understand. No one else in my life can even grasp it, they keep telling me “stay positive!” When my brain is just constantly spewing negativity no matter how hard I try

Welcome to PC D3857. I find that www.psycheducation.org is a really good place to learn about BP. It's a lot about BPII but there is a great deal that is relevant to BP1 as well. The site is written by a psychiatrist who specializes in BP and it is so good I still look things up there occasionally and I've known what I was dealing with for 17 years now.

I hope you are able to feel better and that we can offer you support.

Welcome, D3857. I am so sorry you are struggling. I also was misdiagnosed with major depression. And I have been committed multiple times. Also scammed my way out of the hospital way, way too early. That just resulted in a disaster. Good thinking.

So, I am a bit confused. Do you currently have a psychiatrist you are working with? Maybe you should try to make an appt. with them? If this is as bad as it's been in awhile, it sounds like you might possibly need a med adjustment.

As far as losing people as a result of this illness, well, that has been my personal experience. Finding folks you can actually rely on is the key. PC is a great place, it seems, to find and connect with people who have shared some of your experiences. I hope you feel better soon and I hope you see that doc. Best of luck to you!!

D3857, have you communicated to the place that has you on the waiting list how urgently you need a psychiatrist? It seems odd that your therapy agency would simply quit on you without getting you care. My only thought is that perhaps they were angry that you left the hospital prematurely. I had a private therapist and psychiatrist quit on me when I refused to stay in an IOP (Intensive Outpatient Program). I ended up hospitalized in the end at that time.

If you're so unwell and can't get help from an outside therapist or psychiatrist, then maybe the hospital or an IOP may be the best choices. An IOP can be as little as four hours per day and a few days per week, so many in IOPs do still work part-time. If you're very ill, I should think your employer should understand and be flexible. If you're so unwell, I would think your employer may not want you to report to work in such a condition. Check with your HR. Many employers even offer private short-term disability. If not, then at least unpaid leave may be better than getting fired.

Hi D3857.

I recently had a period when I went swinging back and forth between states. My psychiatrist labelled this as rapid cycling, a relatively common occurrence, and he adjusted my meds to resolve the issue.

I ****ed up a lot in my twenties with undiagnosed BPII, plus a bunch of drug and alcohol issues. I bounced from bad relationship to worse while sleeping around as well, had problematic housing issues, and kept blowing up my life. The only things that got me through were holding on to some solid principles: Always work, never get anyone pregnant, and don't catch any nasty diseases. No matter how bad it got I held onto those, though the first one was touch and go a lot of times (don't deal drugs form a liquor store should have been another credo, but I still haven't been arrested for anything).

You'll get there. It is great that you are getting help, which is a game changer. Meds have been so helpful to me just by reducing the noise in my head. I hope it works as well for you.

Thank you everyone for the reply I don’t know how to work this site so I don’t know how to reply to everyone but basically my old therapy office has year contracts and my year was up this past week, they were going to sign me on for another year but my hospitalization deemed me of needing higher care than they can give so they sent me to their like sister agency and the soonest they can see me is next month.
A few of my friends are trying to get me to go back to the hospital but I live hours and hours away from any family and my only friends are people I met through work so it’s not really a close friendship, and that means I have no financial support and if I stopped working for 2 weeks I would have no money to pay rent, car payment, much less food. I really don’t know what to do anymore

Can you call your old place and tell them you are in crisis, that a month won' do? Also, what about just paying out of pocket, at least as an emergency measure. It might really be worth the expense in the long run.

My heart goes out to you. I agree about contacting your former treatment team and letting them know that you feel desperate...need to be seen, but cannot lose your job. I don't understand the "you need to be in the hospital, never mind your job" thing. I was forced IP almost a year ago, told the pdoc that I needed to get out because of my job - and he just gave me a dull look.

Well, that's how people with mental illness end up homeless - especially here in Calif, where cost of living is so very high.

Right now, right off, please call a lawyer and apply for SSDI. It sounds huge. It is not. You'd meet with the lawyer once for about 45 minutes, give the person your general history, and they take it from there. Yes: receiving SSDI usually takes up to 2 years, but best to get the ball rolling.

Never mind the "think positive" ding-dongs. Tell them to fall down, break a leg, and think positive when they're rolling around and screaming in pain.

Do not give up. It is hard to make the calls or in-person visits when the last thing tyou feel you can do is reach out. Gotta do it, my friend. You have to take care of yourself so you can live an easier life.

I just had to laugh at this. Think positive Dingdongs. Hahaha!

D3857, welcome! Having had my worst episode of mania this past Spring, I can empathise with your convincing them that you are better now. I've been hospitalized 4 times- one being a "home" where there were no games really. Anyway, the other few times were in patient. I was involuntary one of those times too but they talked to me and we changed it to voluntary so I wouldn't have to go before a judge. The last mania I had, my doctor wanted to hospitalize me but she prescribed a high dose of Seroquel and that finally broke the mania.

Make a list of things you need to do to be seen by a psych dr and cross them off as you accomplish them- even something as small as making a phone call. If all else fails, go to the closest ER that has a psych department. Or if you cant do that call an ambulance. At the ER they can help you with some resourses - and maybe go inpatient if you need it.