My dreams are fading away...

I just need to tell it someone...

This year, I began to study two schools at once. Composition at a conservatory and IT at a technical university. It was a really bad idea. The amount of things I had to do was big and it didn't have good impact on me.

I also got some sort of creative crisis which was very bad. I felt that music doesn't make sense at all. I'm not sure if it was due to depression, or if the depression came because of the crisis... but it's probably not important.

Four days ago I finally realized that I must stop it. I felt really sick, anxious and suicidal. I decided to leave the conservatory because music was so tiring for me. I left the school only temporarily for now, I can return there, but I'm not sure if I'll be able to do so.

I talked to my composition teacher about it. I didn't want to do so, but I was meeting him for quite a long time and I thought it would be rude not to tell him anything. He told me that he had a student who came from a technicians family (as well as me) and had hard time pushing ahead his career as a musician (as well as me). He developed schizophrenia during his study, stopped to be able to attend the school and slowly found out that music was actually the trigger of his illness. Well, it's quite scary...

I don't like this idea, but when I thought about it, I found out that it could be right. Maybe. I'm not sure. And it's horrible for me. I dreamed of becoming a composer and my dreams are fading away. I can't study two schools at once because I have bipolar disorder. I might not be able to create music because I have bipolar disorder. And there's the idea that music could cause it...

I feel so bad now.

Hi Isolde,
I really feel for you. I started my masters degree like 4 years ago and I truly believe that the stress of school make my bipolar worse. I kept pushing and pushing until I broke. I had to quit school about a year ago, and it broke my heart to give up on this dream. If you decide to take a break, it’s ok. as you said, it might be something you can return to later. And if not, that’s ok too. You will find a new direction to follow. Sending hugs your way

Isolde,

I studied double degree physics and music for 3 years, at which point I went to the hospital for bipolar disorder. For me, the stress was to blame. I ended up choosing music and dropping the physics degree.

Choose what path is right for you, but clearly the two degrees is not working for you. You have to pick one. Message me if you want to, I can tell you all about my experience.

I will say this, I did practice until 1am many days, and that didn't help. I had to find a way to create balance. It is possible.

Music may not be the cause of your distress. My money is on stress.

Isolde, I think studying for two degrees simultaneously would be stressful for anyone. Please keep that in mind.

This is my opinion only, but I think your composition teacher was way out of line saying what he did. You are not that other student, and that composition teacher is not qualified to decide what is and isn't a trigger for any of his students. Period! Does he also have a masters or doctoral degree in clinical psychology or is he a psychiatrist?

There's absolutely no shame in walking away from one of the degrees. Its just not the right time. I agree with above, studying 2 degrees at once would be too much for most anyone. If you are able and things are right for you, one day you will come back to it and finish it out. Don't beat yourself up over it. Concentrate all your efforts into the degree that you are choosing to complete. You will be able to give it your all and will probably see better grades for it.

I want to make another comment. I am now a professional musician. Mental illness need not stop you from pursuing music. It makes things harder, but doesn't it make anybody's life harder? That student who developed schizophrenia doesn't show that people with mental illness can't go into music, and it certainly doesn't show that music caused his illness. I know you are scared, but you don't have to give up on your dream. In fact, it's better if you don't give up on your dream.

I have issues with physical injury, so I've had to stop playing a couple of times. Each time I do, my mental health suffers. Music is healing, not triggering. Without it I feel lost. I don't agree with music causing mental illness AT ALL. If anything, it helps heal mental illness. I could play music at the worst of times and it helped. Dare to dream and follow your dream. It will pay off eventually; it certainly did for me.

I’m so sorry you have to make such a tough life transition. It is hard to give up on a dream...any sort. But, just because you give it up now doesn’t mean you must give it up forever. I know that my trigger is almost always stress. Even positive stress can trigger me. That is common in bipolar. All hope is certainly not lost! I hope things work out just as you desire in the long run!

Well, writing music is a bit self-destructive for me. I feel like i don't work hard enough and I must work harder and so on... The crisis must have come. And it was definitely a good decision to leave for now, because I literally stopped to be able to compose anything. Music became a bunch of worthless sounds for me. I hope it will get better with time and one day I'll be able to return.

It's usually hard to do anything artistic when I'm depressed. Programming or doing maths is a bit better.

I'm glad to hear that programming and math are better for you. Whatever works best for you is the path you should take. I'm so happy you've made a good decision for yourself.

Math is like making a different kind of music. Programming is the same. So your brain needs to compose in a different language for a while. That's ok. You're still able to be creative.

Your professor perhaps muddied the waters here a bit. It sounds like you've found a path that can work for you for now and that's the most important thing. You'll remember your way back to the music if the timing is ever right in the future.

Wishing you all the best on your streamlined path.

It's kind of funny that it's exactly the way I was thinking about my illness about four years ago, since I had no idea what's going on and why it is happening to me. I thought that it's because of the music. I was hypomanic at first and wrote a lot of philosophical texts about music and about a parallel universe which contains it… Then depression came and I was convinced that it was a punishment for doing all of it. I believed that I wasn't allowed to tell people what I see and that I was turning crazy because I feel the music too much. What my composition teacher told me really reminded me of these good old times…

He also told me that he thought that I'll end up this way. That's nice. Couldn't he tell me sooner?

I think studying 2 degrees simultaneously would be stressful for anyone.
Unfortunately for me music is triggering. I strangely find ‘La Mer’ by Debussy to be the most triggering piece of music. Weird.
Try not to let what your teacher said get to you. Music doesn’t cause bipolar. Only you know if music is triggering to you.