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#1
Nov 11, 2019, 10:26 PM
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Ever hate yourself so badly that you want to both live forever and want to be tortured to the brink of existence continuously?
I do. I'm bringing this up in therapy and with my pdoc tomorrow. I don't think there's help for this, anywhere. Yet, I want input from others. I don't think meds are going to fix anything. I know they aren't doing their job now. Therapy hasn't given me a fix for this either. I want to almost die, via suffering, as painfully as possible, forever. |
 bizi, cashart10, unaluna
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#2
Nov 11, 2019, 10:30 PM
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I am sorry you are having a hard time right now.
Am glad that you will be sharing your feelings with your mental health team. I have never felt like this but just wanted to encourage you and provide support. bizi
__________________
lamictal 2x a day haldol 2x a day cogentin 2x a day klonipin , 1mg at night, fish oil coq10 multi vit,, vit c, at noon, tumeric, caffeine Remeron at night, zyprexa, requip2-4mg |
| Wild Coyote
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 Wild Coyote
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#3
Nov 11, 2019, 10:33 PM
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Im sorry I can’t relate to this but I know that it must be unimaginably miserable. I hope you can get some help by sharing this with your therapist and talking about it in general. You are a loved part of this community and you do not deserve to die, quite the contrary! You deserve a long, peaceful, joyful life and I hope that one day you will receive that!
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***** Every finger in the room is pointing at me I want to spit in their faces then I get afraid of what that could bring I got a bowling ball in my stomach I got a desert in my mouth Figures that my courage would choose to sell out now Tori Amos ~ Crucify Dx: Schizoaffective Disorder |
| bizi, fern46, Wild Coyote
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#4
Nov 11, 2019, 10:47 PM
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I deserve to live, but be tortured by it. I'm here to experience pain. That's my reason for being. I'm not good. I'm not evil. I'm the in-between that deserves to hurt, forever
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| bizi
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#5
Nov 12, 2019, 11:45 AM
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The best I can offer to you is to contemplate that your beliefs are wrong. You listed a number of false beliefs that are compounding your state. You cannot break out of this unless you're willing to believe that your brain is feeding you false information. Once you can accept that you can begin to create a pattern of new beliefs that serve you better. Part of you already knows this is true. That's why you bother with seeking advice. I'm hopeful for you and wish you well.
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| bizi, Wild Coyote
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| Sometimes psychotic, Wild Coyote
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#6
Nov 12, 2019, 01:14 PM
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Hi SorryShaped,
I, too, am sorry you are in this state of mind. It seems to me that I have read of times when you were feeling quite differently. Is my perception of this correct? These ideas may or may not be a chronic underlying component of your challenges or it may be that this is a transitory state of mind? Neither therapists, pdocs or meds can shift us out of mindsets we have chosen to buy into. We must disown these ideas for things to change. Let's say your depression is very intense right now and that this type of thinking is a part of your depression. A therapist could help you to think about your cognitive distortions, possibly raising your awareness of such. A pdoc might give you medication which may/may not help to lift the depression. Even so, in order to get beyond these distortions, you'd have to reject the idea that these beliefs are truth in order to shake it off and to consider other possibilities. Sometimes, when we can do so, we have to "take the bull by the horns" and fight any depression, any unhelathy, non-supportive, destructive thinking, etc. In order to be as well as possible, we often must take an active role in shifting our beliefs and/or our state of mind. It is not likely we will shift into considering other possibilities if we play a passive role in our recovery, looking for therapists, pdocs, meds to totally solve, to "fix" our thinking, our erroneous beliefs. I do not see that you can move forward without questioning your beliefs concerning what you do and do not deserve. Of course, the decision to consider other possibilities is, ultimately, up to you. I do not mean for this to sound harsh. Not at all. Please take whatever you find helpful, if anything, and leave the rest. You are a smart guy. You can be very insightfuI. I fully believe you have the capacity to reach deep inside of yourself, even if depressed, to consider other possibilities for yourself. I am sure you would urge someone else in this kind of pain to do the same. I think fern has offered very helpful insights in her post above. I am simply seconding what she has said in her post to you. I believe in you. I am voting that you, alone, have the power to turn this around if you fully desire to do so. Others, therapists, pdocs, meds and even those of us here, can only support you in your journey. It's your bus and you are the driver. As always, I wish you well. 
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May we each fully claim the courage to live from our hearts, to allow Love, Faith and Hope to enLighten our paths. 
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| bizi, fern46
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| bizi, fern46, wildflowerchild25
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#7
Nov 13, 2019, 10:36 PM
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I have never felt that way. It sounds worse than feeling suicidal.
I believe you can find help though. Keep trying. I hope this passes.
__________________
Bipolar 1, GAD Lithium 900mg, Gabapentin 700mg, Zyprexa 10mg |
| bizi, Wild Coyote
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| Wild Coyote
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| Reply |
This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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