Fragmentation

This is kind of an odd topic, but one I wanted to see if anyone could relate to it. I do not know if it relates to bipolar or just a personality quirk or what – but as a person with bipolar, I feel it is appropriate to post it here. I often feel like I have most pieces of what makes up a well-rounded person, but they never overlap or connect. My life stays isolated into segments, and only one exists at a time. I have a really bad habit of becoming of intensely pursuing something (a new hobby, developing friendship, work related successes etc.) but it fades out pretty quickly. I consume myself in something and neglect the rest. It’s like “downtime” between episodes are just like the episodes I experience. Temporary manic highs, and temporary (albeit long) lows where they consume my daily life and nothing else matters. I guess in a way I can view it almost like I run my life the same way my emotions run me when I’m not on the right meds.

It’s a strange thought to have, but does anyone else ever feel similar? I guess my real question comes down to – when you seem to live only one aspect of life at a time, how do you begin to piece them together? I’ve never known how to “balance” life, I guess.

Hi welcome to PC!
some one will come along to answer your question. I don't have an answer for you.
It is good that you see the differences. Do you take meds?
Do you have a therapist?
they can help you figure out you emotions and moods. perhaps do time line?
If you have seasonal disturbances others have used a light box to combat a low mood.
I hope you have a nice day.
And seek medical attention for those head aches!...you are suffering!
bizi

I sort of get what you’re saying....I was a powerhouse at work then after a psychotic episode something switched and I got less involved with work and more into dating etc, now I’m not even working.....it’s like I can only handle one hat at a time.....where most people have work, play, love and family all at once.

HI!

Welcome to the Bipolar forum at PC!

I don't think "fragmentation" is the best term for what you describe , although I do understand why you might use it.
It seems like you descrbe sometimes being "single-minded" and immerse yourself in your current interest?
This may be a little "obsessive," perhaps?
A small portion of what you have shared sounds a a little like "compartmentalization."

I like where our friend Bizi was going with this. Do you have diagnosis(es)? Do you take meds? Do you participate in therapy?

When you describe your highs and lows and how they affect your everyday life, I began to wonder if you might need help with further stabilization?
we usually need mood stabilization before we can achieve any sustainable "balance."

I would like to ask you if you feel your mood is stable now? I would also like to ask you if you have someone helping to observe you and helping you to achieve a more stable state?

Although I threw out a few terms, we cannot diagnose you. We can try to support you while you and/or your therapist work on how to help you achieve stability and an optimal level of functioning.

I do hope to see you around!

I’m gonna stick with the term fragmentation if for no other reason that severity. Compartmentalization is often thought of as a coping strategy or defense mechanism. While being able to file away events, values, emotions and beliefs, etc. would be compartmentalizing. I’m not sure I’d consider this the same. I mean these are basic pieces of life that that have to co-exist for a healthy lifestyle, they’re not really coping strategies I wouldn’t think – unless you think separating my life into pieces is a coping mechanism, but that would be debatable. Mal-adaptive behaviors may better fit the situation. I’m not trying to split hairs or refute anything, just wanted to clarify my position is all. I have no connect between the pieces that make up my life and thus the “fragments” exist because I can’t piece them together. There are obsessive things about my personality and how I operate, I think you nailed that, though!

To answer your questions –
1) I have been diagnosed multiple times with varying degrees of validity (I don’t mean by the doctor who diagnosed me, but the change in diagnoses). It was first dysthymia and generalized anxiety disorder. Then it was Major Depressive Disorder (recurrent) + dysthymia + GAD, then it became Bipolar II with GAD, and now we’re back at MDD “officially”.

2) I do take meds – I take a mood stabilizer, an antidepressant and an antipsychotic (to boost the antidepressant). They seem to do their job. I know I feel much better on them than off them.
3) I do have a therapist I talk to regularly.
4) I don’t feel unstable, and if anything, I’m 1000% better than I was before I started these meds. I’ve tried a lot of medicine cocktails and this is the only one that really has helped (longer term and effectively). I generally can say mood wise I am OK. I don’t feel low nor high, but there are natural upswings and downswings that sometimes unravel me. I think it’s more of a conscious effort to combat negative emotions and mood in a preventative way than it is fighting a low/high mood.

I hope that clears it up a bit! Thanks for your response!

I don't have any answers for you, but I do have sympathy. What you're described in your OP is very common with BP, especially with mania. It's more than common actually; it's a symptom of BP.

I am absolutely sure that my father had BP and one of the reasons I am sure is because of exactly what you have described.

For example, he would become obsessively interested in one subject and pursue that subject as though he was using a jackhammer. He would sink money into *whatever* the interest was, learn all about it; it would become the center of his life. For months, even.

Suddenly BANG. Done. He would entirely lose interest in the subject, become flat, depressed, and come home from work only to sit and watch TV shows, one after another...just staring at the TV. Until the next "hobby" came along...

And come to think of it, I experience similar. For example, in February spring was showing signs of beginning. One day I felt so energized and excited that I decided to entirely redecorate my bedroom in a certain theme. I got in my car and hit the road, ended up going to 5 stores in 3 hours, blew several hundred dollars, came home, dragged all the stuff in, ordered more stuff online, and spent almost all night and the next 2 days putting my new bedroom together.

I recall sitting in the middle of the pile of merchandise I had purchased and feeling like it was Christmas morning and I was ten years old.

Then, suddenly, it all seemed wrong. Crazy. Foolish. I lost interest as if I was a different person. "Fragmented" works; I understand it.

Oh! I understand better and am very sorry about the severity you experience.

BethRag's viewpoint/input helps me to better grasp some of what you may be going through.

I understand you may feel better than you have in the past. This is great! If I was experiencing the symptom/experiences you are reporting, I'd seek further stability if possible.

Welcome to PC!

I'm very much like that. Not sure how to link them together but I just go from one thing to the next and eventually cycle back. Some people call this tunnel vision. Isn't that a common Borderline trait?

I have fragmentation too. I like this word because it suggests the "looseness" of my personality parts. Not that i'm "promiscuous"! Not that "looseness" as in "a loose woman"!!! But the idea that my parts do not co-operate as well as a healthy person's. I don't have a strong "executive personality." It's not quite dissociative identity disorder (DID) but it is shading in that direction.

It's not healthy because my "parts" are sometimes working at cross-purposes: the one who wants to be active and the one who wants to be sedentary; the one who wants to be an activist and the one who wants to be peaceful; the one who wants to be gregarious and the one who wants privacy; the one who wants sex and the one who wants celibacy; the one who wants to indulge and the one who wants moderation; the one who wants to be wild wild wild and the one who wants to be a couch potato; the one who wants to edit for an hour and the one who wants to scribble and move on.

I made a joke about it with my Facebook friends when i changed my avatar frequently and one person asked, "Who are you again?"! I say i am not "gender-fluid" but i AM "identity-fluid." Sometimes i feel strong and mighty. Other times i feel weak and vulnerable. At the moment i feel just pleasantly like i'm ten years old or so. Secure and curious about the world and open.

I also have the thing with passing fancies, or fascination with hobbies. The poet's call it having a "magpie mind." A magpie is a type of bird that gets fascinated with a shiny thing for a while then abruptly loses interest and moves on to the next shiny thing. In the past my main hobby was competitive Scrabble and i memorized thousands of obscure words in bit-size lists and had a great time -- they were organized in "stems" and were like mathematical songs to me.

I was fascinated with making public transit free in September and now am barely comfortable being a public transit user, much less activist. I also get fascinated with re-arranging my furniture here in my small living room and am delighted with myself but later see that it's not ergonomic and put everything back in the original spots. I also got fascinated with this song of Mormon oratory and scribbled the lyrics all over my kitchen cabinets in marker. I don't mind tho -- it's an uplifting song and the few plumbers who have seen it think it's cool. I scribbled lines of philosophy from the movie "Natural Born Killers" all over my bathroom walls in marker when i was fascinated with that movie.

I don't mind living this way. In fact, i think it's cool -- except for the acute fear or anxiety or frustration or rage episodes -- those i detest, of course. But i think the passing fancies are great and make me an interesting screwball type of person, a lovable bumble and we're good people!

Be well my friend!

Yeah – that sums it up better than I could really, thanks you guys!


You know, I’m not sure – I try not to self-diagnose but I often feel I may have a personality disorder as structured of a disordered pattern (even if that sounds contradictory) I live my life. I might do some more reading into that! BPD has come up multiple times in relation to Bipolar so maybe there is a connection there between the two.




Just want to start by thanks you for putting a well-defined smile on my face today. I thoroughly enjoyed your message (serious parts too!). I like the idea of “magpie mind” – it essentially is the essence of what I’m talking about. I’m glad to see I’m not alone. Thanks for your post!

@MarcusAurelius: I sent you a private message (PM) as it has to do with some controversial material that is never popular here. Just letting you know here as since you are new you might not know about PMs. You can access them by clicking on "Private Messages" in the upper right-hand part of the top of the screen. Happy reading!

@whatever2013: Thanks! I received your message and replied -- thanks again!