Road My Own, by Beth 12/28

*Beth* · Dec 30, 2019, 06:46 PM

I saw my therapist today & told her about the problems I'm having with Zyprexa. She's a refreshingly empathetic person. Of course, meds aren't her "thing", but we did discuss some ways I might be able to approach Dr. W. without being afraid of Dr. W. reprimanding me. My appt. with Dr. W. is on Friday, therapist right after.

Came home feeling the unusual level of generalized anxiety, so took a prn K-pin. These afternoons of low sun are murderous. I wish it would get dark already.

I made an appt. with the physical therapist for Tuesday next. I don't think the PT does jack, but the pool is nice.

*Beth* · Dec 31, 2019, 09:59 AM

5mg. Zyprexa last night. Sleep was just slightly troublesome (insomnia). I suspect that sleep will be the most difficult part of stopping the AP. As with Seroquel, however, I don't want to take an AP just to sleep well

Someone told me that taking an AP to sleep is like burning down a house because it has ants in the kitchen.

Besides the slight sleep issue I have a tiny bit of paranoia (feel like someone inside the wall heater is watching me). The paranoia is the same degree I had when I started taking Zyprexa. Very mild, definitely annoying, but not overwhelming or dangerous.

I felt the usual anxiety (same on or off an AP) yesterday, so in addition to my usual dose of Klonopin I took the extra 1mg prn. K-pin is still the med that works best for me, hands down. I realize that's a possible problem, but what do you do when the problem is the best solution?

Since I'm dropping the Zyprexa I halved the Cogenton. Cogentin is another med that does almost nothing, but has very difficult side effects...extremely dry mouth and eyes. I am so done with my mouth being too dry to speak (have to constantly suck on cough drops) and - worst part - very dry eyes. Constantly red and irritated. People ask me if I'm okay because sometimes I can barely open my eyes due to the irritation from them being extremely dry.

*Beth* · Dec 31, 2019, 06:41 PM

Other drivers irritated me more this morning; i.e., I am less patient. But I also have emotions that are human being emotions.

2p.m. to dark is the hardest time for me (anxiety/depression, but mostly anxiety), so I took a Klonopin, which helps.

My worry is that the best pharma treatment for me is about 5mg daily of Klonopin. What can I say? It really helps me, with no bad side-effects.

My throat and eyes are not painfully dry today (reduction of Cogentin).

Wild Coyote · Dec 31, 2019, 07:21 PM

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!

*Beth* · Jan 01, 2020, 03:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!

The brightest of blessings to you...Happy New Year, WC!!!

Jan 01, 2020, 07:39 AM

I didn't realize it was your birthday. Happy belated birthday and a happy new year!

Sorry that I haven't caught up with your thread. Been feeling off. Just wanted to wish you a happy b-day and happy new year.

*Beth* · Jan 01, 2020, 10:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bluebicycle

I didn't realize it was your birthday. Happy belated birthday and a happy new year!

Sorry that I haven't caught up with your thread. Been feeling off. Just wanted to wish you a happy b-day and happy new year.

Thank you, blue

And oh gosh, no worries about my thread. While I appreciate any feedback, I'm really keeping it as a way to follow my medication withdrawal. I'm more likely to do so online than to write it down.

*Beth* · Jan 01, 2020, 11:08 AM

Sleep not great (not a surprise, though). Besides sleep, I notice that I'm not emotionally numb (what a relief!); I actually feel happy (wish it would last all day, highly unlikely). My eyes and mouth are less dry (from halving the Cogentin). Hand tremor no worse.

cashart10 · Jan 01, 2020, 04:01 PM

I haven’t been around for a bit so I completely missed your birthday. Hope it was a great one!

I totally understand about the weight gain because Remeron and then Seroquel took me from 135 to 225 in no time. My obgyn has put me on a very stringent extremely low carb high protein diet for life due to my severe PCOS. So far it’s helping me lose weight like crazy and was only hard in the beginning. Being told you have to have a different diet for a specific reason makes it much easier and more necessary to follow said diet I have learned. And, to my incredible surprise, the diet worked (I went 3 years with no period and then mid nov my obgyn prescribed a med to make me have a period and just over a month later I’ve had another with diet only changes, no other meds—unbelievable). She did put me on met form in to help me with appetite so that may be playing into the weight loss as well.

I’m glad you are keeping this thread and I hope you continue not to have diminished troubling symptoms and especially that your anxiety, depression, and mild paranoia subside.

*Beth* · Jan 01, 2020, 05:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cashart10

I haven’t been around for a bit so I completely missed your birthday. Hope it was a great one!

Thank you! It was peaceful, which is great.

I totally understand about the weight gain because Remeron and then Seroquel took me from 135 to 225 in no time. My obgyn has put me on a very stringent extremely low carb high protein diet for life due to my severe PCOS. So far it’s helping me lose weight like crazy and was only hard in the beginning. Being told you have to have a different diet for a specific reason makes it much easier and more necessary to follow said diet I have learned. And, to my incredible surprise, the diet worked (I went 3 years with no period and then mid nov my obgyn prescribed a med to make me have a period and just over a month later I’ve had another with diet only changes, no other meds—unbelievable). She did put me on met form in to help me with appetite so that may be playing into the weight loss as well.

It's terrific that your obgyn takes your weight gain seriously enough to advise you on a diet. My doctors (pdoc, gyn, GP) are all nice people, caring...but it's always, "That's something to talk to (other MD) about" - and they'll tell me that this or that is weight related, yet they don't seem to take it seriously when I bring the amount of weight I've gained to their attention.

I am, thank the universe, on Metformin. I fairly begged my GP for it. In between stopping Seroquel and starting Zyprexa my appetite decreased remarkably. Started the Zyprexa and bang- teeth marks in the walls where I tried to eat them.

I’m glad you are keeping this thread and I hope you continue not to have diminished troubling symptoms and especially that your anxiety, depression, and mild paranoia subside.

Thank you so much for your encouragement and support.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wild Coyote · Jan 01, 2020, 05:56 PM

"Bang teeth marks"

That is a good one!

*Beth* · Jan 01, 2020, 06:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

"Bang teeth marks"

That is a good one!

Truth! My walls have holes in them

*Beth* · Jan 01, 2020, 06:12 PM

The anxiety was amping up again (just like it does every day at about 2p.m. So I took the 1mg K-pin and definitely feel like I've been sitting meditation for half an hour. As in, calm and peaceful.

It's very fortunate that Dr. W. sees the value in Klonopin (she pronounces it "clonAYzeepam", which drives me nuts) , because I think I see where this is going.

*Beth* · Jan 02, 2020, 07:54 AM

No Zyprexa last night. I did take a tiny piece of Seroquel (about 10mg.) to help me sleep. I would have taken ZzzQuil if I had any. Anyway, my sleep was good. Or at least the same as when I was on Zyprexa.

Going to call the clinic and try to see Dr. W. today. If not, I have an appt. with her tomorrow. I suspect that she will suggest an AP. I'm going to stand my ground if at all possible. As in, No means NO.

giddykitty · Jan 02, 2020, 09:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BethRags

Sees the value in KIonopin (she pronounces it "clonAYzeepam", which drives me nuts) , because I think I see where this is going.

What did you mean by this? Because clonazepam is just generic for klono...oh, I'm starting to think you know that...but where is this going??? Confused.

*Beth* · Jan 02, 2020, 01:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by giddykitty

What did you mean by this? Because clonazepam is just generic for klono...oh, I'm starting to think you know that...but where is this going??? Confused.

Hi kitty, I'm sort-of writing this thread to myself to keep track of my decision to stop taking an AP. So I'm sorry I confused you.

Yes, clonazepam is generic for Klonopin. The reason I commented about Dr. W.'s pronunciation of clonazepam is because most people pronounce it klon-ahz-eh-pam, whereas Dr. W. says klon-AY-zeee-pam with a loud "ay" and a long "zeee". I want to laugh every time she says the word because she's so eccentric.

By "I can see where this is going" I meant that I won't be surprised if she raises my Klonopin dose because K-pin is the med that works best for me, out of the 40 or so meds I'm been on. So I'm fine with being on a higher K-pin dose except for the tolerance issue, which is a major problem.

*Beth* · Jan 02, 2020, 06:24 PM

Had appointment with Dr. W. today. She believes I'm between episodes, which is a really interesting way to look at the situation. I believe she might very well be correct. I can be dense (no, really); I've never thought of myself as being between episodes in the way that she means. Therefore, the concept is new and interesting.

Dr. W. was fine with me stopping the Zyprexa at this time

I mean seriously...

She didn't even lecture me!

As I intuited she would, she has prescribed 4mg of Klonopin daily. 1a.m., 1 afternoon, 2 bedtime. I am very interested in finding out how the 4mgs affects me.

*Beth* · Jan 03, 2020, 10:47 AM

Wow! I made it through the night pretty well. Fell asleep easily and stayed asleep for 5 hours. Got out of bed for about an hour, then went back and slept for another couple of hours. I'm not feeling any lack of stability from stopping the Zyprexa. In fact, I feel more "myself" and nicely stable.

I'm seeing my therapist today and finally going to work on the primary issue that I started therapy for, which is an inordinate amount of grief and loss. I'm nervous, but also have a sense of relief, feeling stable enough to at long last bring the grief to the light.

I made an appointment for Tuesday to see the physical therapist for this exceedingly painful achilles tendonitis. The PT doesn't do a bit of good, but I love to exercise in the warm salt pool. I've going to take a deep breath and be assertive about not standing in one place and being compelled to converse. I'm going to take a deep breath and politely (but firmly) tell *whoever* that I really need to use the time to exercise (secretly hoping that no one else is in the pool

).

*Beth* · Jan 03, 2020, 08:05 PM

Damnitall, getting walloped with depression every afternoon. Doesn't have to do with the Zyprexa 'cause was feeling this since winter began. It's those long, sunny-but-cold creepy afternoons. Maybe I'll make the monumental effort to try the light box around 2p.m., see if it helps.

Victoria'smom · Jan 04, 2020, 12:10 AM

Hopefully the lightbox helps.

*Beth* · Jan 04, 2020, 09:59 AM

Thanks, Mm. I hope so, too.

Excellent night's sleep. Hurray! Probably would have slept longer by my "alarm clock" cat awoke me.

*Beth* · Jan 05, 2020, 05:13 PM

Slept a lot last night, much needed. It felt at least somewhat therapeutic to get my "grief" story out about my daughter in Grief and Loss.

So far, so good with no Zyprexa. I'm wondering if I ever needed an AP in the first place decades ago, or if I just believed I did. What a farce.

Depression sticky effing tired of it.

Fuzzybear · Jan 05, 2020, 05:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BethRags

Slept a lot last night, much needed. It felt at least somewhat therapeutic to get my "grief" story out about my daughter in Grief and Loss.

So far, so good with no Zyprexa. I'm wondering if I ever needed an AP in the first place decades ago, or if I just believed I did. What a farce.

Depression sticky effing tired of it.

I too wonder if I really needed the med prescribed decades ago

it was a farce..
(now I can't take them anyway)

I'm glad you slept