Bipolar check-in #42

You are very fortunate, indeed!

I have had a few pdocs over the many years. Most were great!

The pdoc I was with the longest had retired almost 1.5 years ago. I had been with him for 20 years. I absolutely trusted him totally. He had worked very hard for my trust, too. I had been so traumatized, I was not into trusting anyone. We are still in touch now and then. We email just to say hi and to catch up a bit on how life is going for each of us.

My new pdoc? Her personality is the antithesis of his! Wow!
I have told her she is a "knee-jerker," as in has a lot of knee-jerk reactions to things. She also shoots from the hip more often than not.

She tells me that I have a very calming influence upon my surroundings, including her and her office.

Is this "backwards? Is it okay? Lol!

And so, we are very different from each other.

Sometimes, I want to call it a day and leave, looking for a new pdoc/therapist. Other times, I am intrigued and learn something important about myself via our interactions and.... well, I think there may be some "healing" in working this out with someone with a very different viewpoint and/or approach.

In all honesty, most of the times I am feeling like "quitting" with her and finding someone else, I am, on some level, judging her./her behaviors/her ideas/her beliefs.

I tend to think that the people, the behaviors, the areas in life where we hold judgment, are the very places we have something to learn

And so... I take it day-by-day with her. Time will tell.

In the meantime, I am very pleased she is fantastic with meds.

I hope you find a therapist most helpful to you!

What makes life wonderful, for me, is that I learn something new every single day. It's not always some complex or obscure thing. Sometimes it's something little that I'd think I should have known decades ago. Those discoveries can be profound, nevertheless.

Before I went to my therapy today, I thought I'd have nothing to say. I always do, of course, but sometimes still feel the session offers little. It was a surprise to find that the small thing referenced above made this afternoon's visit especially rich and rewarding.

I splurged on my way home and bought a donut. I asked for a vanilla cream filled, but when I bit into it it was Boston cream. That, in contrast to the above, was disappointing. Now I know that I should only buy it at this one grocery store, not Dunkin Donuts. The ones from the former show the cream oozing out, so there's no chance for mistakes. Why is "vanilla cream" now "Boston cream" in some places? What is the world coming to?!?!

My mom will probably continue to enable. I want to be optimistic and say she'll stop, but she enables in secret sometimes and then my dad and I find out later on that she has been enabling my sister. So I think these problems will continue as long as my mom continues to enable her. My mom has to learn how to stop, and I have tried numerous times to get her to stop, as has my dad, but she "feels bad" and continues to enable. So in that sense, I would say my mom is the root of the problems, not my sister. My sister just takes advantage of whatever is given to her because she is a sh_tty person.

There are two kinds of people: if someone drops a $20 bill on the ground and doesn't realize it, then the person who sees it fall either keeps it or gives it back. My sister would be the kind to keep it and run away.

And yeah, I observe. My sister and dad try to drag me into their drama, and then they both get mad at me when I don't say what they want to hear. I mean, I will be fair and say that my dad is not 100% innocent all the time, but my sister triggers him with her b_tchy behavior and the he gets exasperated and snaps. But who wouldn't get exasperated and snap when your own daughter is taunting you, saying the things she said yesterday?

It does stress me out, being dragged into this crap. I love my parents, but I don't want to be around them when my sister is there because she picks fights with my dad. I wish I could say I love my sister, but she treats everyone like sh_t (except for my mom, for obvious reasons), and she never ever talks to me unless she wants something. I will literally call her and text her, and she won't respond. I then have to call my mom to call her so that my mom can tell her to call me back. (This is because she takes advantage of my mom all the time, so she is VERY responsive to her.) But then when she needs money for something, she calls me like 3 times until I pick up the phone and she sends a barrage of texts.

My pdoc is increasing the dose of Remeron because it's not helping my depression so far.

Sleep is a problem but this time it's too much sleep instead of too little. Coffee and I have become best friends.

Saw my pdoc today.

He upped my Haldol to 20mg, and added Lexapro at a dose of 10mg. Now to wait around for them to kick in.

I forgot to say... I had my first guitar lesson today.

Everything went well and I learned a lot. The best part was that the entire lesson was supposed to be 30 mins, but it ended up being 47 mins and was only charged $20.

The bad news: my car is having transmission problems... already. ugh. Fortunately, it's still under warranty because it's not past the 3yrs/36,000mi warranty cutoff. I'm bringing it to the dealer for 7am tomorrow. Wish me luck with that...

Blue, you'll make it to the dealership on time and all will be well.

Listening to a favorite CD of mine in bed. I finally finished my book. On to another one.

Ooooh, I was meaning to ask how old she is. And there it is: old enough to kicked out and left to her own devices. I realize it's unlikely, given your mother's enabling, but imo, it's the only thing that even has a chance of bringing her down to the planet the rest of us live on.

I wonder (because I'm a bit prone to enabling myself) if it's not so much wanting to give her everything she wants as being afraid of the repercussions if NOT doing so. IOW, afraid to stand up to. Not judging, I've very much been there myself.

I have to admit I do rather look forward to her eventual comeuppance.

I also worry how this effects YOU. Sending good vibes.

It's hard to believe you guys grew up in the same house!

Good luck with your car!

EDITED TO ADD -- now that I've caught up reading the posts between when I wrote most of the above (lunch) through after work when I finished it (or, apparently not, lol!).... Your description of your mother's actions/inactions sounds otherwise motivated. Mine are fear-based. I truly don't get anything out of it. Doing because of "feeling bad" sounds like something else. But I'm not a T of course...

Regardless, I am SO sorry you are being pulled into this drama.

Hello!

Here you are! I had just told a friend I was getting concerned, as we have not had you with us as often lately.

I am so sorry, scooter, that you continue to have a tough time with depression.
I am very happy and relieved that you have stopped in to give us an update!

Please take good care, my friend!

Hey Blue! I have told you of some of the reality with my sister.
I have a very difficult sister, too. It's very hard on everyone. My mother does indulge her and it looks like simply enabling. It is, however, more complicated. My sister's wrath can be frightening, especially to an 80 y.o. mother. It's always been this way. People who stood up to her had hell to pay! She never forgets/forgives; she goes for the throat.

I am all for setting boundaries with her, etc. Yet, I am alone in this most of the time.

Much Love and Happiness!

Well, I made it through a nine hour work day. I am tired. I will get my first check on this Thursday. All of it will go to the credit card. I did not get SSDI informed about my new job. OOPS

Congratulations Tucson! I always found the first week of work was the hardest and it got easier from there. I hope that's true for you.

I hope this job works out well for you!

I got the blue blahs.

I hope Risperdal helps you quickly.. I think a T can help most people, it’s a good place to learn coping skills.

What a terrible situation I don’t really have any advice, your already avoiding her the best you can. There are indeed just shytty people in the world I’m sorry one of them is your sister.

Hi there ! I have been hoping you would pop up here. I hope the Remeron increase kicks in quickly

I was on Haldol years ago and at least for me any increases kicked in relatively quickly, I’d say 7-10 days I’d start to feel the help.

Hope it helps you sooner rather than later

Glad your lesson went well.

Oh god car trouble .... that is one thing that can remove my sanity. I hope they fix it ASAP... do you get a loaner car while they fix the problem if it’s going to take more than tomorrow?

Good job! Enjoy that Check even if it’s hitting your bank account and going right back out. Do remember to let SSDI know about your job, I’d hate to see you in a bind down the road.

I’m sorry I hope tomorrow is a much better day.

Well, no sleep tonight. Tried for an hour and was just ruminating and planning and all over the place. Totally amped up. Thrashing like a giant halibut on the boat deck. So, that's fine. I'm up and doing my thing.

Have been trying to sort through my whole picture here and not miss anything and one conclusion I have had to come to in the last few days is that: 1) My PTSD is having a huge negative impact on my mental health at the moment, and: 2) I have developed a somewhat hidden (from myself) and elaborate schema for avoiding dealing with this issue and am, in fact, pretending like it does not exist.

None of this is proving very effective or helpful to me, so I am going to have to figure it out. Interestingly, what I think I have discovered by doing a little CBT on this is that I am not actually today actively extremely worried about my actual tormentors. I think I might be able to handle them, sort of. What I am really most afraid of, terrified of, in fact, is being afraid all the time again. So, I'm afraid of being afraid.

So, that's good to know, I think. Now, I just have to figure out what to do about it.

Sending hugs and love to all!!!!

I've studied spiritual alchemy quite a bit over the years. I ran across this article recently. Your post reminded me of it, especially the fear of fear bit. There are a couple of books referenced in the article that may be worth your time.

Letting Go: Alchemy and the Art of Emotional Transmutation

I think your conclusion sounds spot on. Also, I feel as though sleep requires surrender and it is nearly impossible to surrender when one is perpetually running from the 'enemy'. Addressing your PTSD may be the key to a number of things you're hoping to improve.

Thanks.

I can see from my sister's perspective why she thinks it's "okay" to be b_tchy, and why there's no reason for her to be respectful toward others. I mean, she literally gets away with it every single time, so what reason does she have to change?

In my opinion, her boyfriend should breakup with her for his own sanity, but I think he's too chicken to do that. She abuses the hell out of him: She yells at him and whines, and she commands him to do things... and yet, he puts up with it. He shouldn't. But it's not my place to tell him to break up with her. I just hope he realizes that she's not going to change, and that if they get married, he will have to deal with the abuse and manipulation for the rest of his life.